Reconnecting with a child

Victoria Clayton • E-mail

What's the best way for a parent who's been away for weeks or months to bond with a young child? And how can adults help kids safely lose weight? Columnist Victoria Clayton answers your queries. Have a question about children's health and well-being? Send it to us at . We’ll post select answers in future columns.

Q:  I'm in the military and have spent more than a year in Iraq. Soon I will be returning to my 19-month-old daughter and I'm wondering what I should do to help the two of us bond again?

A: Believe it or not, when parents reunite with their children after a prolonged absence -- be it a tour of duty in Iraq or even a prolonged business trip or hospital stay -- it’s more about what they don’t do rather than what they do, says Dr. Karen J. Miller, a developmental-behavioral specialist at the Center for Children with Special Needs at Tufts New England Medical Center in Boston.

The No. 1 thing you don’t want to do is have high expectations for a Hallmark-worthy reunion. “Especially with a really young child, the parent who is returning has to remember that he or she isn’t a familiar person,” says Miller.

At 19 months, your daughter is probably in the developmental stage where she is very shy with strangers. And, through no fault of your own, you’re essentially a stranger to her right now.

There is good news, though. Young children live almost solely in the here and now. They are really only familiar with the few key family members or caregivers they see consistently. So once your daughter sees you again on a regular basis, you will also rather quickly join the ranks of her familiar touchstones.

To help facilitate this, don’t overwhelm her, advises Miller. “Let her explore and acquaint at her own pace and adjust gradually,” she says. Your job is simply to be warm, friendly and present.

Become part of their everyday life
For children of any age, instead of trying to plan spectacular outings or big family events to make up for lost time, it’s more important to become a part of their everyday life again. This will help everyone reconnect. Ask your spouse which tasks you might take over when you’re back, such as feeding the baby breakfast, giving baths or driving the older children to school.

The key is to take over some everyday events but to do it in a way that respects the routine established by the stay-at-home parent. So if your spouse has been giving baths at 7 p.m. for the past year and always does it a certain way, do the same. Children thrive on routine. Your family will do much better if their routine doesn’t change all that much when you’re back.

'They may be happy you’re back but also feel angry or betrayed that you were gone for so long.' — Meri Wallace child and family therapist

That’s not to say that you shouldn’t carve out special time for your children, though. You should. In fact, returning parents who have several children should make it a priority to have one-on-one time with each child, says Meri Wallace, a child and family therapist in Brooklyn Heights, N.Y. But you might find that you reconnect with your child best when you do little things like bring him or her along to the hardware store.

Wallace also notes that returning parents should be aware that older children will likely have mixed emotions. “They may be happy you’re back but also feel angry or betrayed that you were gone for so long,” she says.

Be patient and tell them you realize they may be angry. Underneath the anger, of course, is sadness and yearning. “Self protection gets involved,” says Wallace. “They may resist accepting you because they’re scared you might leave again.”

Try to put their worries to rest, if possible. If you know you won’t be going away soon, make sure they know this and also know that you, too, were sad without them.

Lastly, don’t forget to reconnect with your spouse. "Get a baby-sitter and plan to go out together alone," says Miller. "The family is a unit and the health of the family unit hinges on the parents’ relationship.”

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