Tribe has spoken: ‘Survivor
All-Stars’ is a big bore

It seemed like such a great idea — the biggest winners and best characters of the past “Survivor” seasons battling it out in the toughest season ever to see who could really outplay, outwit and outlast. But that’s not what happened. Instead viewers have been treated to a season that’s like a bad soap opera, with a more predictable outcome than any other season. Is the franchise finally starting to show its age, or was “Survivor All-Stars,” which ends Sunday, just a bad idea to begin with?

All Stars?
Do all these players really qualify as all-stars? Here’s a clue. If you didn’t make it on the jury of whatever season you were on, you ain’t an all-star. Yes, Shii Ann and even Boston Rob, who both finished ninth, this means you.

No wonder when this year’s Survivors had the vote about who didn’t deserve to be there, people picked on Shii Ann and Alicia (eighth isn't all that great — don’t wave your finger in my face, you know I’m right). Those two — along with Rob, the man who could potentially win the game — shouldn't have been invited back. It’s hard to believe that so many people turned down CBS’s offer to return that they had to scrape the “Survivor” barrel for the Shii Anns and Alicias of past seasons.

Why are there so few second place finishers? Where is “oh my heck” Neleh of the Marquesas, Clay of Thailand (or any of the top finishers from Thailand, for that matter), Kim of Africa, or the much put-upon Kelly Wigglesworth of season one, who definitely deserved a chance to seek her revenge on Sue. Perhaps all these people turned CBS down, but if they did, maybe it wasn’t time to have an “all-star” season yet. Jenna Lewis, Rupert, Alicia and Jerri all finished eighth, which means they just barely made it onto their juries.

Quitters aren’t Survivors
Okay, Jenna Morasca had a perfectly reasonable explanation for leaving the show. Though one could argue that if your mother has cancer and you’ve already won a million, maybe you could just tell the CBS producers “no” to begin with. Regardless, it made sense when she left.

This season is full of people politely telling the person who’s about to get voted off the plan for the evening. What’s the fun in that?

Then we have Sue Hawk. In season one, she proved herself to be one of the toughest competitors and gave the infamous “snakes and rats” speech on the final night. It’s hard to believe that this woman could be so shaken by having Richard Hatch rub up against her during a challenge. The phrase, “Mess with the bull and you get the horn,” comes to mind here. He took off his clothes as a strategy (and it was a pretty smart one) to keep people away from him. If Sue was so horrified, why didn’t she just jump off the log? Then in the next episode we have to hear her screech about “sexual harassment” and how she felt “violated” because she’d only been with her husband for so long. Um, Sue, Richard didn’t have sex with you. He was trying to get you to jump off that log. And it was in broad daylight. In front of everyone. Come on! This may have been an uncomfortable moment, but harassment?

Friends don’t make great Survivors

CBS Don't look so glum, Amber, you're probably going to win this game.

One of the worst things about this season is the fact that the contestants already know each other. The fun of “Survivor” is that it's unclear how competitors will interact, and players can’t have a strategy intact before they are launched into the game. This season is full of people politely telling the person who’s about to get voted off the plan for the evening. What's the fun in that? I don’t really care if Lex and Ethan are buddies, I want a good game, not a lot of “why me” whining.

Which, of course, brings us to the most pathetic moment on any “Survivor” season to date: Lex keeping Amber at Boston Rob’s request. This was so stupid that it actually made me wonder if the whole thing was rigged. Lex finished third in Africa, he should know how to play the game and yet, because he and Boston Rob are apparently friends outside the game, we are treated to a moment that is far too lame to appear on any “Survivor” season, let alone "All-Stars."

Hardest season ever? Hardly
Yes, it was great that producers started the game by giving the Survivors nothing, not even fire. But this has quickly turned into the most posh “Survivor” season ever. They gave them building supplies, for crying out loud. What’s next, cable?

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“Hardest season ever” at least made it sound like the challenges would be harder, but we’re being treated to the same-old, same-old. The obstacle course looks strangely familiar from Pearl Islands. Heck, Big Tom should have won the water-bucket challenge, he played the exact same game in Africa. Then there are the families who have to eat the disgusting food: check, that one appeared in Thailand.

Are the producers running out of ideas?  Why must we always have to suffer through the weepy “letters from home” episode? The only time a family visit has been interesting on “Survivor” was in the Pearl Islands when Jonny Fairplay got the bad news about his grandmother’s “death.” Jon, I miss your mischievous ways this season!

And the winner is…
The worst thing about "Survivor All-Stars" is that the season has been way too predictable. Partly because of the friendships discussed above and partly because these “all-stars” have been too stupid to vote off Boston Rob. Give those folks in the Marquesas a bit of credit for catching onto him early (except Kathy, of course, smart move, Kathy).

The only question left is whether the jury will choose Boston Rob because he played the game better (this will be henceforth known as “The Rich”) or Amber because she was less evil than Rob (this will be henceforth known as “The Vecepia”). The drama of this choice is. . .well, not exactly the most scintillating television ever.

Mark Burnett,  if you choose to go down the disastrous “all-star” path again, do something different, change up the formula (three teams isn’t a big enough change), invent some new challenges, make the game tougher. Heck, maybe you just need to add Donald Trump.

Paige Newman is the Movies Editor for MSNBC.com

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