HotmailMy married pals think I’m after their hubbies!
Getting a divorce can change how people see you, says ‘Today’ contributor Dr. Gail Saltz. It may be their fault — or yours...
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Q: After a split with my husband that I instigated, I'm divorced. Now something strange has happened: Lots of my friends are acting threatened. Why? And what can I do to reassure them I am not interested in their husbands?
A: Not all wives are paranoid. But if nearly all of your friends are having similar concerns, you should look at your own unconsciously motivated behavior.
Could it be that you are acting in ways they consider threatening? Are you — happily freed from the constraints of an unhappy marriage — being somewhat flirtatious, dressing more brightly or acting more animatedly around married men you know?
As you test the waters of your new status, you could be sending signals without recognizing it. You might be trying to reaffirm that men find you attractive and you'll be able to find someone new.
On the other hand, if only a couple of friends are worried, the problem probably is theirs — the most likely cause being that they are having marital troubles of their own which are making them wary.
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It's not necessarily that a friend thinks you'll swoop in and take her husband away, but since you went ahead and left an unsatisfactory marriage, she might be more conscious of a breakup as a possibility for herself. Your new freedom presents her with a very uncomfortable reminder of her own predicament.
These situations call for a lot of communication. Have you told your friends what a difficult time this is for you and how much you need their friendship and support? And have you told them straightforwardly that you have no designs on any husbands? Talk to your friends about what's going on, so you can calm their fears and, if need be, temper your behavior.
Dr. Gail's Bottom Line: If these are real friendships, don't beat around the bush. After examining your own situation, tell your friends you are not interested in their husbands.
'Bad girl' fears holding you back?
Q: I really feel like trying something new in bed. But if I bring it up, I'm afraid my husband will think I am too aggressive or weird. Should I risk it?
A: Absolutely!
Unfortunately, even in 2004 many women think that to be feminine means to be passive. Happily, most men don't.
Dr. Gail Saltz answers your questions about relationships, both romantic and not.
You are probably being stopped by the absurd fear that you are a “bad girl” if you are sexually assertive. Suggesting new techniques in bed does not make you a “bad girl.” It makes you a fun and creative sexual partner.
Many men would love to have a wife who wants to try new things. Your fears most likely are unfounded. Go ahead and proposition him!
Dr. Gail's Bottom Line: If you are reluctant to suggest new bedroom activities, remember that those negative thoughts are floating around in your head. Don't assume they are also in his head.
Dr. Gail Saltz is a psychiatrist with New York Presbyterian Hospital and a regular contributor to “Today.” For more information, you can visit her Web site, www.drgailsaltz.com. Her new book, “Becoming Real: Overcoming the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back,” is to be published in May 2004.
PLEASE NOTE: The information in this column should not be construed as providing specific medical or psychological advice, but rather to offer readers information to better understand their lives and health. It is not intended to provide an alternative to professional treatment or to replace the services of a physician, psychiatrist or psychotherapist. Copyright ©2004 Dr. Gail Saltz. All rights reserved.
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