Politicians take booby prize
in race for broadcast decency

By my count, there are currently about 260 million women’s breasts in the United States. As even the prudish among us must concede, these breasts have an avid following. I won’t bore you with armchair psychology about why this is true. It just is.

Many men pay dearly to glimpse these spectacular items, and many women do what they can to accommodate. They don push-up bras, slinky nighties, low-cut blouses, cleavage-bearing evening gowns, bustiers, pasties, halter tops, bikini tops, and any number of other slings, wraps and costuming contraptions designed to ensure that the twins receive an enthusiastic reception. And that is just attire. If I had a dime for every breast implant performed in our nation, I could buy my dream house in the mountains.

Those of us in the breast cognoscenti have come to a fascinating realization lately, a profound truth worthy of the great existentialists, which can be expressed succinctly:

If you expose one boob, you expose many.

Cleaning up the air waves? U.S.'s largest radio network pulls Stern show Stern says fear at root of suspension Clear Channel fires Bubba the Love Sponge Ventre: Politicians win booby prize in decency race

This can best be illustrated with the recent hullabaloo surrounding Howard Stern. The notorious shock jock has long been an aficionado of women’s breasts, as well as the rest of their anatomy. Howard’s humor is bawdy and ribald, and he entertains a likeminded audience. Over the years, Howard has delved into topics on the air that have created nervous perspiration on the brows of the suits who distribute his show. Yet they have never been so incapacitated by his outrageousness that they couldn’t cash the checks he was raking in from advertisers.

Of course, that was before Janet Jackson’s right breast made a one-second cameo on national television during the Super Bowl halftime show.

Free video King of (not quite) all media Feb. 26: CNBC's Bertha Coombs reports on Howard Stern’s complicated relationship with Viacom. CNBC

Suddenly, the female breast is a pariah in our nation. It can’t show its face. I notice women scurrying to work now with their arms crossed over their chests. Infants that ordinarily would be enjoying lunch outside in the fresh air are instead wailing in despair because the doors to the honey wagon have been shuttered. I wouldn’t be surprised if somebody throws a shawl over the Statue of Liberty.

This single act of bosom disobedience has triggered a massive reaction. Justin Timberlake, the jug thug who served as Jackson’s accomplice, was nixed recently from involvement in a Motown anniversary show; the announced reason was his lack of a Motown pedigree, but I think we all know there was concern that Timberlake might attempt the same stunt with Diana Ross. Janet Jackson was dissuaded from attending the Grammys. Lena Horne recently put the kibosh on plans for Janet to play her in an upcoming film, expressly because of the Super Bowl incident. Networks are putting seven-second delays on everything but test patterns.

But as usual, the booby prize goes to our government watchdogs. Because they’ve spent entire careers suckling off the taxpayer teat, these elected officials are uniquely qualified to preside over this matter. On February 11, a House subcommittee grilled Viacom president Mel Karmazin, whose company owns CBS, the public television network that broadcast the Super Bowl.

FCC chairman Michael Powell has vowed to clean up the airwaves, enforce existing rules and explore new options. This is coming from the same man who championed the consolidation of media conglomerates like Clear Channel, the outfit that suspended Stern from six of its stations, restricting the number of voices and viewpoints and creating a neofascist reality in American media. If Powell were any deeper in the pockets of the people he is supposed to be regulating, he’d die of lint asphyxiation.

One congresswoman, Rep. Heather Wilson (R-NM), was particularly convincing, as sanctimonious blowhards go. Said Wilson to Karmazin, with sparks flying off her tongue: “You knew what you were doing. You knew that shock and indecency creates a buzz that moves market share and lines your pockets.” What she neglected to mention is that the condemnation of shock and indecency from her public soapbox creates buzz among the pious constituents and lobbyists who line her pockets with campaign contributions. I’m sure it was just an oversight on her part.

This furor has had a frightening nipple, er, ripple effect. FCC chairman Michael Powell has vowed to clean up the airwaves, enforce existing rules and explore new options. This is coming from the same man who championed the consolidation of media conglomerates like Clear Channel, the outfit that suspended Stern from six of its stations, restricting the number of voices and viewpoints and creating a neofascist reality in American media. If Powell were any deeper in the pockets of the people he is supposed to be regulating, he’d die of lint asphyxiation.

But the Stern situation is particularly alarming. Believe me, what Stern got suspended for is tame compared to what has transpired on his show in the past. It is more about the current climate, a puritanical overreaction to a cheap stunt that should have been dealt with by a quick fine and a reprimand.

Instead, the decency police are rounding up the usual suspects to curry favor with the people who make them rich. They are trotting out the Howard Sterns of the world and having them pilloried in the town square. They are cutting out a brief shot of an older woman’s breast on the operating table on NBC’s “ER.” They are eliminating one of Timberlake’s band mates, JC Chasez, from the Pro Bowl halftime show, presumably because of guilt by association. They are blacklisting Justin and Janet — not, as you might guess, because of the quality of their music, but for subjecting children to something they’ve all seen before, and likely will see again.

If you expose one boob, you expose many.

I understand a line must be drawn somewhere. The airwaves are public, and standards must be created and enforced. But make no mistake, this is not about that. This is about politicians doing what they purport to be for the public good in order to serve their own self-interests. This is about cowardly executives at Clear Channel scapegoating one high-profile individual like Howard Stern in order to prevent organized boycotts of advertisers that might damage their bottom line. This is about holier-than-thou hysteria triggered by a preposterously overblown incident that threatens to desecrate the First Amendment.

Keep your chests covered, ladies. It isn’t safe out there anymore.

Michael Ventre is a Los Angeles based writer and a regular contributor to MSNBC.com.

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