Once a cheater always a cheater?

Brian Alexander • E-mail

In this month’s Sexploration, columnist Brian Alexander counsels a woman whose husband has gone astray, advises two men on matters of masturbation and responds to a bisexual reader with conflicted interests. Have an intimate question? To e-mail us, click here.

Aftermath of affairs
Q: My husband's National Guard unit was sent to a military post for three months, and there he started having an affair with a local civilian woman. I was tipped off through his cell phone bill, and then the other woman actually called me and confirmed it. Subsequently I find out from another soldier's wife that he slept with a woman in his unit after being deployed overseas.

I am ready to file for divorce yet he is begging me to give him another chance because he "swears" he has changed after being overseas, isn't doing anything wrong now and finally realizes what is important. We have a 3-year-old son and I know you shouldn't stay married for a child, but I want what's best for all. Will a cheater always be a cheater? I do feel very ignorant for asking this question because to me it is obvious that he has fouled too many times, but I guess I'd like another opinion.

A: Don’t feel ignorant. Love -- and lust -- can make everybody stupid. That's why millions of people go through this, especially those like military couples who endure long separations. “It’s common,” says William Fenton, chief of counseling at the United States Naval Base in San Diego.

So what to do? Well, first, step back from your assumptions. According to Shelley MacDermid, the co-director of the Military Family Research Institute at Purdue University, “there is evidence to suggest that when a marriage is not full of hateful conflict, and when it is not violent, and when there are young children involved, both parent and child may be better off in the long-run if they work it out.”

Fenton agrees. “It’s not automatic that marriages dissolve," he says. "Marriages can be stronger after an affair if counseling is sought and if both parties want to save the marriage.”

And by the way, MacDermid says some people do change, especially after serving in a war zone.

None of this excuses what your husband did. Being in the military, being deployed, is not a license to cheat -- twice. He’s a major league screw-up.

And none of this means you should stay married. Just don’t make your decision based on your pain. Get some help. The military makes counseling available and your husband should contact his unit commander or the family services division at his home base to tap into those resources. Even if he refuses, go on your own.

Meanwhile, Fenton recommends the following book that he sometimes uses with his clients: "After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful" by Janis Abrahms Spring.

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