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The 2003 Scoopie Awards
The good, the bad, and the gossipy
 Carlo Allegri / Getty Images file | Paris Hilton claimed the Booty of the Year award. |
Ah, 2003! What a year!
Or at least it seemed that way. It’s been hard to tell this year what’s real and what isn’t real, as reality TV took over the airwaves.
Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie’s reality show “The Simple Life” outperformed George Bush’s post-Saddam capture interview. But Paris’s simple life performance was upstaged by her porn life performance. Her publicist said she was deeply embarrassed, but some who know her said she was thrilled because it made her even more famous! Extra face time! (Well, maybe not face, but you get the idea.)
It was also a year when reality bit image in the behind. Tough talking anti-druggie Rush Limbaugh is a pill-head. Rapper Eminem’s racist lyrics were revealed. And some of those love matches made in reality TV romance land discovered that they don’t like each other so much when the cameras aren’t rolling. Which is what some nasty cynics have been saying about a couple of Hollywood’s hottest “romances.”
The year 2003 was a big year for returns. It was the return of the Michael Jackson scandal. “Return of the King” ruled at the box office. And Mr. “I’ll Be Back” became the governor of California
All in all, it was a year that will be remembered as one best forgotten. So, without further ado, Ladies and Gentlemen, Gossipers and Gosipees, the Brilliant Scoop Advisory board hereby brings you the winners of:
The 2003 Scoopie Awards
Booty of the Year Award:
Paris Hilton dethrones long-running queen J. Lo, as the hotel heiress’ private parts did bigger box office – no pun intended – than “Gigli.”
Hot Lips of the Year Award:
Britney Spears and Madonna, whose same-sex smooch knocked Iraq out of the headlines for a few days. When Britney was asked about the level of lustiness she felt towards on-and-off lesbian Madonna and if she was a resident or a merely a visitor to the island of Sappho, she said, “We were acting; there was no lesbian vibe going on.”
Hairy Hands Award:
Also to Britney, for her song “Touch of My Hand,” reportedly an ode to masturbation, which has the lyrics, “I touch myself, it’s not a sin.”
Fab Five Wanna-Be Award:
Montecore, the tiger who attacked Roy Horn of "Siegfried and Roy." A producer for the long-running Vegas act claimed that the big cat was merely upset because a woman in the audience had a large, ungainly hairdo.
Stonewall Gay Rights Award:
To Arnold Schwarzenegger, who declared that “gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.”
Gaydar on the Fritz Award:
Liza Minnelli who, when asked if her estranged husband David Gest was gay, replied that she didn’t know -- because she had never slept with him.
A Man Only an Animal-Lover Could Love Award:
Wife-beating rocker Tommy Lee, after being dumped by animal rights activist Pamela Anderson, starts canoodling with PETA protestor Pink.
The Johnnie Cochran Award for Stunning Legal Chutzpah:
The Kabbalah Center, which tried to copyright the red string bracelets that Buddhists have been wearing for centuries.
The Johnnie Cochran Award for Stunning Legal Chutzpah, Runner Up:
Sony planned to copyright the “Shock and Awe” war cry for a video game.
The Alan Dershowitz Award for Most Meretricious Legal Reasoning:
Fox News sued Al Franken claiming his book “Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right” infringed on its trademarked phrase, “Fair and Balanced.”
Dershowitz Award for Most Meretricious Legal Reasoning, Runner-Up:
An obsessed Japanese fan, who courts had ruled was stalking Britney Spears, sued her for unspecified damages for causing “extreme distress” after she filed a restraining order against him.
The Catherine Zeta-Jones Litigious Megalomania Award:
Barbra Streisand, who sued a web site for posting aerial photos of her Malibu estate on line.
The Barbra Streisand Hysterical Control Freak Award:
Catherine Zeta-Jones, who sued Hello magazine for running unflattering pictures of her and has threatened to sue any media outlet that reported she was on the Atkins diet.
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Frazer Harrison / Getty Images file |
The Marie Antoinette Common Touch Award:
Catherine Zeta-Jones, testifying in the lawsuit she and hubby Michael Douglas filed against Hello, said “One million pounds is a lot of money maybe to people in this room, but not us."
The Retching Excess Award:
Ben Affleck who rather accurately explained the backlash against Bennifer by saying ,“When we were in the first heat of things, we were too willing to shoot our mouths off and everybody just got sick of us."
Weapons of Mass Distraction Award:
The Brits, who when illusionist David Blaine spent forty-four days in a plexiglass box above London, were so annoyed by the inane publicity stunt that they pelted him with eggs and paint, flashed their private parts, and beat drums so he couldn’t sleep.
What a Drag it is Getting Crowned Award:
Mick Jagger who was knighted this year, prompting bandmate Keith Richards to fume: “I don’t want to step out on stage with someone wearing a f***ing coronet and sporting the old ermine.”
Humanitarian of the Year Award:
Busta Rhymes, who berated a fan for not standing during his performance. The rapper’s record label apologized when it was revealed that the fan was in a wheelchair.
Maybe God Didn’t Like the Casting Award:
Jim Caviezel, who stars as Jesus in Mel Gibson’s “Passion,” was struck by lighting during the filming. Assistant director Jan Michelini was also hit – for the second time during the shoot. A worker on the set told Variety: “I’m about a hundred feet away from them when I glance over and see smoke coming out of Caviezel’s ears.”
That’s it for 2003. It’s a wrap, folks. Happy New Year.
Jeannette Walls delivers the Scoop Monday through Thursday on MSNBC.com.
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