Yay! 101 real solutions for bewildered parents

Let's face it: Parenting is hard, and kids don't come with an instruction manual. That's why “The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries,” a new book by Michele Borba, is so helpful. Borba's book allows parents to flip straight to an issue that's bewildering them most and download needed guidance in a hurry. In this excerpt, Borba helps parents figure out how to assist their kids when they start exhibiting signs of stress.

Stressed
SEE ALSO: Angry, Argues, Defiant, Depressed, Fearful, Grief, Moving, Peer Pressure, Pessimistic, Sleepless

THE PROBLEM

Red flags
Physiological signs: bedwetting, nausea and diarrhea, stuttering, colds and fatigue, nail biting or hair twirling, restlessness and irritability.

Psychological signs: big mood swings, short-temperedness, withdrawal, inability to concentrate, arguing, excessive whining or crying, increased clinginess and dependency.

The change to parent for
Your child learns to recognize how his body responds to stress and situations that increase it and develops ways to reduce tension as well as cope.

Question: “My 8-year-old is so tense lately. She can’t sleep, is moody, and is having a tough time focusing on her schoolwork. Could this be stress-related? I don’t know how to help her.”

Answer: Stress isn’t just for adults. Studies show that today’s kids are feeling a lot more pressure than we think they are, and stress symptoms are showing up in kids as young as 3. Ask yourself these three critical questions: How does my child handle stress? What could be triggering it? and Does my child know healthy ways to reduce the stress?

Why change?
Think stress is just for adults? Not these days. In fact, a recent iVillage poll found that almost 90 percent of mothers think kids these days are far more stressed than when they themselves were growing up. Research finds that between 8 and 10 percent of American children are seriously troubled by stress and symptoms; if left untreated, stress can not only affect your child’s friendships and school success but also his physical and emotional well-being. Overscheduled days, competition, school, treadmill-paced lives, home problems, scary nightly news, and stressed-out parents are just a few contributors.

One thing is certain: stress is part of life, and some kids actually do seem to thrive on it. But one in three kids suffers from chronic stress symptoms that can not only break down his immune system but also increase his likelihood for depression. Your critical parenting question is this: Does the stress stimulate my kid or paralyze him? In order to know that answer, you need to recognize how your child handles normal stress and what unique signs he exhibits when on overload. When he gets to that level and stress is having too negative an effect, it is critical that you intervene for your child’s physical as well as psychological health. This entry describes proven solutions to help you determine just how well your child is coping, and ways to reduce your child’s stress.

Signs and symptoms
Each kid responds differently, but the key is to identify your child’s physical behavioral or emotions signs before he is on overload. A clue is to look for behaviors that are not typical for your child.

Physical stress signs

• Headache, neck aches and backaches
• Nausea, diarrhea, constipation, stomachache, vomiting
• Shaky hands, sweaty palms, feeling shaky, lightheadedness
• Bedwetting
• Trouble sleeping, nightmares
• Change in appetite
• Stuttering
• Frequent colds, fatigue

Emotional or behavioral stress signs

• New or reoccurring fears; anxiety and worries
• Trouble concentrating; frequent daydreaming
• Restlessness or irritability
• Social withdrawal, unwillingness to participate in school or family activities
• Moodiness, sulking or inability to control emotions
• Nail biting, hair twirling, thumb sucking, fist clenching, foot tapping
• Acting out, anger, aggressive behaviors such as tantrums, disorderly conduct
• Regression or babylike behaviors
• Excessive whining or crying
• Clinginess, more dependency, withdrawal; won’t let you out of sight

THE SOLUTION

Step 1. Early intervention

Identify the reasons. Stress is an unavoidable part of life, but too much stress is unhealthy. Your first step is to identify why your child is experiencing stress overload so that you can develop a realistic plan to reduce it. Here are common causes of unhealthy kid stress. Check those that apply to your child:

__Genetics: predisposition to stress out

__Overload: too many after-school activities with no time to relax; overscheduled

__Real-world events: scary nightly news or world events

__Trauma: fire, divorce, flood, accident, death of parent

__Peer problems: peer pressure, bullying, rejection; racial differences

__Appearance: concern with clothes, weight, appearance, fitting in

__School: grades, homework, overemphasis on performance

__Unrealistic expectations: too pressured; too high of standards in relation to abilities

__Home problems: divorce, illness, a move, financial strains, stressed parents, sibling rivalry

Get enough Z’s. Heavy workloads and overscheduling can wreak havoc on kids’ sleep patterns. And without a good night’s sleep, stress can build. Make sure your child is getting enough sleep. Also check to make sure she is not using the computer within 30 minutes of going to bed (flickering lights on the screen can inhibit sleep) and not drinking caffeinated sodas or energy drinks.

Identify potential stressors. Frightening nightly news on the TV? A bully on the bus? Too much yelling at home? You can’t (and shouldn’t) protect kids from all stress, but is there one thing that is causing unhealthy stress that you can eliminate? For instance, hire a tutor to help with his science homework. Stop yelling in front of the kids. Turn off that scary nightly news. Minimize those stressors you do have control over.

Cut one thing. Many parents admit that a major kid stress culprit these days is overscheduling. Could this be your kid’s problem? Spend a week evaluating your child’s daily schedule of school, home, and all extracurricular activities. How much free time does your child have left? If you can cut out just one thing in your child’s weekly activity, it may make a tremendous difference in reducing the stress.

Keep to family routines. Sticking to a routine helps reduce stress because it boosts predictability for a child. Those family meals, bedtime rituals, nighttime stories, hot baths, hugs and backrubs not only create great family memories but also bust stress.

Monitor TV viewing. Tweens say one a big stressor is watching late-breaking news without an adult to explain the event. So monitor what your child views, limit viewing of those stressful real-world news events (terrorism, war, kidnappings, storms), or at least be there to reassure your child about that sometimes scary news.

Help your child learn stress signs. Point out your child’s stress signs so that he will learn to recognize them. “When you get tense you clench your fists.” “Have you noticed that whenever you worry you get a headache?”

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Don’t overprotect! Of course it’s tough to watch our children deal with tense situations and feel stressed. Our parental instinct is to swoop in and rescue them, but fight that urge. Researchers from Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine analyzed over 20 studies and found that too much parental control and overprotection actually increase kids’ anxiety. Stress is a part of life, so your child will have to learn how to cope. And the only way he will learn how to handle stress is by experiencing it. The parenting secret is knowing  when your child is on overload and dealing with too much stress or doesn’t know how to cut back to reduce it.

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