‘Have you done drugs?’ How to answer your kid

Talking to your children about substance abuse can be difficult, especially when they turn the conversation around on you. In his book, “How to Raise a Drug-Free Kid,” Joseph A. Califano offers tips on how to have a productive discussion about drugs. An excerpt.

Communication — talking, listening, and guiding — is the core of parental engagement. You need to be able to talk with your children about difficult issues, including substance abuse, to get them to talk to you honestly about what’s going on in their lives, and to guide them to make healthy, sensible decisions.

But how?

With a teenager especially, how do you connect on a level that is comfortable and natural?

How do you become engaged in your son’s life without making him feel as if you are invading his space? How do you ask questions without making your daughter feel like she’s being interrogated?

How do you talk about substance use (or other risky behaviors) without it turning into a confrontation or a fight? Without getting a “You don’t trust me!” shouted back?

The first step in building good communication is to start early spending quality time just talking to your child — in the car, during dinner, watching TV, going to church, at ball games, walking the dog, playing games, in the park, on vacation — using the moments you have together to get to know your kids and to let your kids get to know you. Talk about anything and everything, it doesn’t matter so much what the subject is as long as you and your children are communicating openly. Your children won’t feel comfortable talking about difficult issues, like drugs and alcohol, if they don’t feel that it’s normal to talk to you about what’s going on in their lives.

With a solid foundation of open, two-way communication, cemented by talking and listening to your child, you will have the Parent Power to guide your child to make the right decisions if your guidance has the ring of authenticity to both of you.

What do I mean by authenticity? Your guidance to your child on making healthy, drug-free decisions and the discussion that accompanies it will have authenticity if they are based on facts and nourished by love.

Know the facts and stick to the facts
The facts I set out in Chapters 4 and 5 give you plenty of accurate information to help you make the case that your teen should stay away from drugs. Use that information confidently. You have science and medicine and the law on your side. You don’t need to exaggerate or embellish the dangers of tobacco, alcohol, and drug use. If you exaggerate those dangers, your kids will smell a rat.

Be realistic about why people abuse alcohol and other drugs.

For example, they can make you feel good and forget about your problems — but only temporarily. Underscore that while it may seem to your child that marijuana and other illegal drugs are everywhere, most people don’t use them and haven’t tried them.

If you can’t answer all your child’s questions or you don’t know all the facts about a drug your son or daughter asks about, just admit it. If you’re not sure of something, tell them that and say, “Let’s find out together.” For instance: “I’m not sure exactly what meth does to your body, but I’ve seen the ads on TV and they worry me. What do you think it does? Let’s learn more about this together.” You and your child can start by reading the “Parent Power Glossary for Parents and Teens” in this book; you can also consult other resources from the library, visit health or government websites like www.nida.nih.gov, or ask your doctor for more information.

Take advantage of opportunities in the news to talk to your teen. When there’s a story on television or in the papers about a drug overdose, celebrity antics under the influence of alcohol or drugs, or a drunk-driving incident, use it to open up a conversation and probe your teen’s reaction.

When you talk to your kids, focus on facts that are relevant to them. Let’s say you’re talking about why smoking is bad. Describing the long-term dangers of smoking — lung cancer, heart disease, chronic bronchitis, and emphysema — will make their eyes glaze over. Most teens have a sense of invulnerability, that they are immortal, impervious to harm; for them, those are diseases that happen to “old people.”

If you see an ad for cigarettes with your child, point out that the tobacco companies are trying to manipulate kids to get them addicted to their product so that the companies can profit from their habit. Say, “Don’t let the tobacco companies make a sucker out of you.” If your child tells you that friends or classmates smoke, say, “The cigarettes smoke, your friends are just the suckers on the other end.”

Use pithy examples. Telling your teenage children that “Kissing a smoker is like licking a dirty ashtray” might make the point because they’re likely to hear it from, or tell it to, their boyfriend or girlfriend.

Communication starts with you
Let’s say you want to have a conversation with your son about drugs in school. Imagine you begin by lecturing him about not using drugs. Your son listens in silence.

You say, “Are you listening to me?”

Your son says, “Yes,” and then goes to his room and shuts the door.

That wasn’t much of a conversation, was it?

Video   Talking to your kids about drugs, alcohol Sept. 3: Joseph Califano, author of “How to Raise a Drug-free Kid,” shares advice for parents on teaching kids about substance abuse. Today show

If you want to be able to talk about substance abuse (or any difficult issue) in a comfortable way with your child, you need to establish the lines of communication well beforehand, by encouraging conversations when your child is younger. Conversations are also a give-and-take operation: Make sure that you are receiving (listening) as much as you are giving (talking). Sometimes an open mind and an open ear are the best things you can bring to a conversation with your teenager.

Here is an example of how a productive conversation with your child might sound:

Parent: “Why do you think someone your age would want to smoke marijuana?”

Teen: “I dunno. To be cool, probably. Maybe just to try it.”

Parent: “Do you think that smoking pot is a cool idea for someone your age?”

Teen: “Well, probably you would get into trouble if you got caught, so that’s dumb. But I dunno. Lots of older kids do it.”

Parent: “Did you know that marijuana is addictive? It affects your ability to think and to learn. Also smoking pot when you’re young increases your risk of getting hooked on other drugs.”

Teen: “Really? I didn’t know all that! Well then how come everyone does it?”

Parent: “Actually, everyone doesn’t do it. Most kids don’t smoke marijuana. In any case, your [father/mother] and I know that you’re smart and you’ll make healthy choices about what you put into your body.”

You need to get to the point where spending time alone talking to your child feels natural to both of you. The goal is to really get to know your child — your child’s hopes, fears, likes, and dislikes — and to have your child get to know you too! Your child will be comfortable discussing difficult issues with you if he knows what your views are, what your parenting style is, and that you’ll react to the difficult truths your child may reveal without yelling and/or rushing to conclusions. Self-discipline on your part is important. Balancing understanding and firm guidance is no easy task, but if you master it, you will find your child more willing to talk to you about the problems he faces. Once you and your child are comfortable talking to one another, you can persuasively convey important messages about what behavior is — and is not — acceptable for your family.

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Year after year, when CASA surveys ask teens what issues are their greatest concern, teens name drugs more than any other. Social pressures are close behind, and social pressures probably include the pressure to do drugs. These concerns are well ahead of getting good grades, getting into college, sexual pressures, crime and violence, being bullied, or getting a job. Your kids are concerned about drugs, and they want to talk to you about their concerns. But your children may hesitate, or feel uncomfortable discussing their concerns, or even refuse to talk to you if you haven’t established ongoing communication with them or if they believe you will be hostile in response to their honesty.

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