What summer’s big movies say about us

How did “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” make $400 million but fail to draw most of the people I know into theaters? Because nearly every adult person I’ve spoken to this summer has said something much like the following to me: “Were you being ironic when you said you actually enjoyed that movie?”

“No,” I would respond. “I like chaotic cinema experiences and the disorienting effects of metal things being crunched up into gigantic wads of noise. And I mean that sincerely.”

“Well, I won’t be seeing it,” they’d sniff.

So I have snooty friends. That’s what their refusal to enjoy anti-auteur Michael Bay’s filmic output says about them. But what does the fact that you saw it say about you?

The top five grossing widely released films of summer 2009:

1. ‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’
Approximate domestic take: $400 million
Director Bay knows how to scratch the Big Dumb Itch. He knows that you will sit through most anything for the luxury of lounging for three hours in a chilly air-conditioned movie theater. He also knows that the guy with the biggest marketing campaign often makes bank the biggest bank.

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As for you, having seen it doesn’t mean you really have to worry that it makes you this or that kind of person. It just means that it was there to be viewed and you happened to view it. Just like when a crazy homeless person dressed head-to-toe in aluminum foil walks past you on the sidewalk. It was a spectacle at which you could momentarily gawk.

Maybe you made a choice. Or maybe your friends did and you were just like, “Sure, I’ll see whatever.” Either way, it cattle-called and lots of you showed up. You don’t have to feel like you were wrong. I laughed at those robot-testicles, too. I’m not ashamed.

2. ‘Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince’
Approximate domestic take: $300 million
We’re completists. If sequels keep giving us candy we haven’t tired of tasting and if the films don’t leap on motorcycles over shark-tanks too egregiously, if the cast gets cuter and the situations more dangerously high-stakes as time goes on, we’ll stick around.

And the best thing about the kid wizards is that they’re finite. We don’t feel endlessly strung along and we know the real, true, no-take-backs ending is coming in a couple more movies.

The “Harry Potter” series’ success means we’re good, loyal friends and that each of us who sees all of them will have given about $200 per person — in ticket and concession money — and 20 hours of our lives to the cause, not counting any Halloween-related dress-up moments as “Sexy Snape.”

3. ‘Up’
Approximate domestic take: $290 million

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The most moving, sophisticated, thoughtful animated movie of the year is also, thankfully, the highest grossing animated film in this country. The latest lukewarm, brain-dead, yawn-inspiring “Ice Age” sequel made more worldwide, closing in on a billion — yes, a billion — dollars.

But we don’t have to think about that here. This film, and not that blandly reupholstered prehistoric cartoon-swamp, will be the one that people remember with love in their hearts. That’s because it’s about something other than selling Happy Meal toys. And every time I think about it I get the urge to talk like that dog with the veterinarian’s cone around his neck.

4. ‘The Hangover’
Approximate domestic take: $270 million
It means that studios will think that Bradley Cooper can open a movie now. But what it actually means is that you really dig Zach Galifianakis even though — unless you regularly watch “Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job!” or were a fan of “Tru Calling” — you had no idea he existed until this summer. Go back and watch it again. He’s got all the funniest bits and carries the whole darn movie. If huge beards make it out of hipster-trend territory and back into mainstream life, it will be his doing.

5. ‘Star Trek’
Approximate domestic take: $260 million
It means you really want to see where this whole hot-n-heavy Spock/Uhura thing goes.

Honorable mention: ‘Inglourious Basterds’
Approximate domestic take (so far): $75 million
In two weeks of release, Tarantino’s Nazi revenge fantasy is gunning its way toward the hundred million mark in the U.S. alone. It might not overtake the top five, but it’s already way too popular for the comfort of most high school history teachers.

Vote and discuss

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