‘My grandchildren never visit me on holidays’

Dr. Gail Saltz TODAY Contributor • Profile • E-mail

Q. My daughter-in-law has controlled my son’s life over the past 21 years to the point they spend every holiday with her parents. I have never had my son, his wife and my three grandchildren spend a holiday with me. It hurts terribly.

I know my son should have put his foot down early in the relationship, but her excuse was always that it took too much stuff to travel with the little ones. But she always found a way to go to her momma’s house, no matter what.

I am getting more upset about it as the grandchildren are reaching high school, and I know they will never all visit me in my home the older they become. This hurts terribly. How can I handle how I feel about it?

A. You seem to have little or no relationship with your daughter-in-law. We don’t know why she doesn’t want to visit your house, but you have allowed it to happen for 21 years. That is a long time.

For you, the past is over, but for other readers, I would urge them to tackle a problem like this early on. I think you should change your attitude and approach toward your daughter-in-law’s family.

Your note is missing some crucial information. You don’t mention how close you live or how difficult it is for your son’s family to visit your house. If it requires an airplane flight or overnight drive, that may explain why they don’t visit frequently.

Geographical distance, however, does not explain why they haven’t come once in 21 years to spend a holiday with you.

You don’t say whether you travel to spend holidays with them. Often, grandparents are retired, with flexible schedules, and are more able to visit the grandchildren than vice versa.

You also don’t say whether they visit at other times, like vacations or weekends, or whether you feel there’s something special about holidays. Sometimes families have religious differences. The holidays are often supercharged with emotion, so if that is a sensitive time of year, it could be helpful to focus on non-holiday visits.

The who-visits-whom issue, while not a non-issue, is less of an issue than that of spending time together. If the kids don’t visit because their maternal grandparents live across the street while you live across the country, then you need to work harder at arrangements.

It is understandable that you would like to host the kids at your house, but the important thing is that you keep up a good relationship with your son and his family.

I’m not sure why you think high-school-age kids will never visit you. As they get older, they can visit you on their own, without their parents, and have an exciting time with you. It is a great way of building a relationship with the kids.

It seems that the root of your distress is animosity with your daughter-in-law, and it also seems that you haven’t acknowledged or investigated this as a problem. Sometimes mothers-in-law don’t want to know the real reason for emotional distance. They don’t want to be the one who must exhibit flexibility, and don’t want to be confronted with the truth, which could hurt.

You might suspect, rightfully so, that you will hear you are overbearing and controlling. From your tone, and your mention of your son’s failure to “put his foot down,” it seems possible they are avoiding you because they have an uneasy or unpleasant time in your company.

I would urge you to examine this possibility. Don’t be accusatory or defensive, but work on forging a closer relationship with your daughter-in-law. Ask her (or your son) how you can improve the relationship. Maybe this includes visits to their house or e-mails with the children. But most of all it means that you must be willing to make changes yourself. There must be flexibility on your end.

Dr. Gail’s bottom line: If a relationship with a daughter-in-law and grandkids doesn’t come easily, it must be cultivated.

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Any ideas, suggestions in this column are not intended as a substitute for consulting your physician or mental health professional. All matters regarding emotional and mental health should be supervised by a personal professional. The author shall not be responsible or liable for any loss, injury or damage arising from any information or suggestion in this column.

Dr. Gail Saltz is a psychiatrist with New York Presbyterian Hospital and a regular contributor to TODAY. Her most recent book is “The Ripple Effect: How Better Sex Can Lead to a Better Life” (Rodale). For more information, please visit www.drgailsaltz.com.

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