‘Wipeout’ is even tougher than it looks on TV

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Next was The Sucker Punch, which is basically a sadistic human-sized version of Whack-a-Mole. Caked in mud, I clung to the wall as a series of boxing gloves affixed to hissing air pistons jabbed at my body. I was already so drained that I didn't really feel the beatings, yet I only made it half way down the wall before dropping into the frigid drink below.

After a quick dip, I was up and over to the show's infamous Big Balls, four inflatable red spheres affixed to steel supports above more frigid water. For the second season, Kunitz and his crew have added The Motivator, a giant pendulum designed to whack contestants in the rear if they don't immediately lunge from the platform onto the floating Big Balls.

Keeping Kunitz's advice in mind, I propelled myself forward before The Motivator could have its way with me. It's all a rubbery blur in my mind, but I think I firmly planted my face into the second red ball. What followed was the longest, coldest swim of my life — made more embarrassing because dozens of steely eyed crew members were silently gazing at me.

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Another new addition this season is a second mechanical obstacle. During my visit, it was that series of bobbing foam-padded doughnut-shaped hurdles that are controlled at a table about 50 feet away by an evil human operator who grinds his teeth as he mashes the controls. They were formidable indeed, but I didn't let the doughnuts stop me from moving ahead.

Following the hurdles, I faced the last obstacle: a tire swing over another vat of water onto a swaying platform that would then require a final vault ending on top of a piece of foam shaped like a giant hog dog that was covered in ketchup and mustard. I tried but didn't make it, dropping into the chilly water one last time before wading to the finish line.

"Spectacular," co-host Jill Wagner mockingly proclaimed of my performance as I limped over. She's the field correspondent who watches each contestant make his or her way through the show's courses.

"It's like I've never seen a man go through the course like you did," she said. "It was like a gazelle elegantly moving through the course. It deserved $50,000."

Wagner revealed my time was a respectable 5 minutes and 32 seconds. Kunitz later told me if I was actually participating in the show, my time would have qualified me for the next round.

Uh, no thanks. The excruciating experience — and glob of mud I blew out of my nose on the car ride home — was enough for me.

I haven't looked at a doughnut the same way since.

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