What we can learn from our parents' marriages

Marriage Lessons

“Share sweet nicknames”
Even when my parents were upset with each other, they would always use some term of endearment, like honey or babe. It really rubbed off on me. Now, even when Andrew and I argue, I say something like, “Babe, you’re really starting to annoy me!” —Kristan Allen, 24

“Share the work and the fun”
My parents have run a family bed-and-breakfast for years. Watching them, I learned that it’s important to work together and feed off each other’s strengths, whether it’s working a business, maintaining a house, or even raising kids. In our marriage, Kristan and I share in the joy of home repairs. We also study tae kwon do together—and we’re both working hard for our black belts. —Andrew Allen, 31

Kristan and Andrew have been married for one year. Kristan’s parents have been married for 26 years, Andrew’s for 39 years.

“Take a team approach”
Before they divorced, my mom and stepdad rarely spent time together, and they didn’t have a united front. As a kid, I knew that every time my dad told me no, I could go to my mom for a yes. So in our marriage, John and I hang out a lot together. We even go to bed at the same time so we can spend more time with each other. We always decide on things together. —Tricia Goyer, 37

“Take one for the team”
Right now, my mom works outside the house and my dad stays home. Seeing how they reversed their jobs taught me to be okay with working around the house. Now, Tricia and I have flexible roles. We do whatever needs to be done — whether it’s professional work or housework — because no matter what the job is, we both benefit. —John Goyer, 41

Tricia and John have been married for 19 years. Tricia’s mom and stepdad divorced after 13 years of marriage; John’s parents have been married for 45 years.

“Put your marriage before your kids”
My parents always told me to put your marriage first and not let your children become the only priority. They said that the best gift you can give your kids is a happy relationship. Over the years, John and I have always made sure to stay close. When our daughter left for college last year, John and I were okay being alone. We’re still happy together. —Loree Wagner, 49

“Put your wife on a pedestal”
My dad always took care of my mom and did “gentlemanly” things for her. Even though Loree is very independent, I think she likes it when I open the door for her or send her flowers. Chivalrous gestures, no matter how old-school they seem, still have a place in a marriage. —John Schoonover, 49

Loree and John have been married for 26 years. Loree’s parents have been married for 50 years; John’s had been married for 51 years when his dad died.

“Treat your partner as a friend”
Joyce: Since I never knew my dad growing up, I learned from my mom that you don’t get strength from a marriage or a man. She was my single source and example of self-sufficiency and independence, and as I got older, being strong and self-reliant became a way of survival for me — even after I got married. After 10 years of marriage, I still have a difficult time letting go and relying on Uchenna.

Uchenna: Joyce and I share similar stories. Because my parents divorced when I was young, I didn’t have a textbook example of what a marriage is supposed to look like; I didn’t learn much about being in a committed relationship. Looking back, I see that my communication and conflict-resolution skills suffered a great deal from my lack of example. When you’re married and have a disagreement with your partner, you can’t just pick up your stuff and leave. You can’t walk out on your marriage without having tried everything to make it work. What I had to learn on my own is that communication is a big part of keeping our relationship solid.

Joyce: Both of us are still learning how a marriage works! I’m slowly starting to learn to lean on Uchenna more, but it’s difficult. It helps for me to think about all the times he has been there for me and had my best interests at heart. One example happened a few years ago, when we were on the show "The Amazing Race." If we hadn’t depended on each other, we wouldn’t have won the race. (Yes, we won!) Uchenna was there for me completely — and I needed him to be. Whenever I get into my I-don’t-need-a-man mode, I remind myself of that positive experience, how we worked so hard together and ultimately succeeded as a team.

Uchenna: Marriage is a lifelong process. While Joyce and I don’t profess to “have it down” by any stretch of the imagination, we’re both committed to pushing through the difficulties and being the best spouse and friend to each other that we possibly can be. That’s the one thing about marriage that we’ve both figured out.

For more tips and relationship advice, visit Redbook online.

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