HotmailHow to assess your self-worth
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Keep in mind that our culture and environment typically stipulate markers or benchmarks for the establishment of mastery and validity. While such markers often provide the context for viability by measuring specific aptitude and/or ability for a particular undertaking (such as entrance to medical school), in other cases, cultural rituals and habits serve no greater purpose than to control our behavior. “Groupthink,” peer pressure, and media messages all exploit our vulnerabilities; and they can also coerce us to believe that we’re not beautiful, smart, or worthwhile unless we conform to a specific mind-set. Take a moment now to let your mind float away from the culturally induced markers for validity you’ve been subjected to. Can you resist the incessant outside editing and altering that society subjects you to and see the incredible person you are inside? Can you feel validated and valued? Will you grant yourself that level of respect? Understand that when you recognize your innate worth, you’re more inclined to strive to fulfill your potential, and having done that, you will be happy.
Women who are successful exude a sense of confidence in themselves. One of the things such individuals have in common is their ability to harness their own thoughts and behaviors; they bring a great deal of personal intention to their lives. They realize that they’re the directors of their own destinies and therefore take a positive stance as they look forward. They’re happy people—by happy, I’m referring to an experience of contentment, joy, or positive well-being. It’s the sense that life is generally good, meaningful, and worthwhile.
Are you in that place? Do you think you can create that kind of life for yourself? Specialists in the field of psychology and behavior say that you can. Armed with the wisdom and reflections of hundreds of women who responded to my questionnaire about their worth, I will show you how.
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The first step in acknowledging and accessing your worth, value, and sense of fulfillment is to take an honest personal assessment. Set aside some quiet time where you can have privacy and think.
Now take out your journal and a pen, and answer the following questions:
- Are you happy?
- What gives you joy?
- What contributions do you make?
- Do you feel acknowledged for these contributions?
- Are your relationships fulfilling?
- Do you nurture and enjoy your relationships?
- Are you achieving goals that you set for yourself?
- Do your activities and lifestyle contribute to your sense of worth and well-being?
- Do you take personal responsibility for your actions?
- Does something or someone else dictate how you should feel or act?
If you don’t want to write down answers to these questions, at least consider them. And feel free to add additional queries of your own that are more specific to the particulars in your life.
An assessment of who you are and where you stand is vital to your ability to function freely in the world. Be creative, and assess yourself with flair. Does this sound frivolous to you? It shouldn’t, for it’s a joyful recognition of who you are. By evaluating and recognizing your abilities, you validate yourself, and you need to be able to do that before anyone else can validate you.
I’ve gone over all of the preceding questions myself, and I admit that the first few responses I wrote were brief and short on details. But as I allowed myself more time to think, I began to remember things about my life, along with how I truly feel about particular memories. My personal assessments and soul-searching answers to difficult questions have helped me get to know myself. The journal I’ve written all of this in has become my own never-ending story, and for me, it’s a treasure.
FYI, when you assess and validate yourself, you’re accepting the truth about who you are. This is not a form of surrender, although your insecure mind may take you to that conclusion temporarily. Please resist that. Accept your assessment as intentional recognition — which actually sounds more like power and self-determination than surrender. When you can accept yourself as an individual, you become even more credible as a participant in the collective.
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April 30: TODAY’s Meredith Vieira talks to psychologist Cheryl Saban about her new book, “What Is Your Self-Worth? A Woman’s Guide to Validation.”
Assessing your life demands a certain level of pride, respect, and courage because it means you’re taking responsibility for it. Responsibility also suggests ownership—of your feelings and actions, as well as the outcomes of your actions. The easiest road may not be your chosen path, and growing pains will be part of your overall development. Nobody said life and growth would be easy.
It’s a good idea to learn to take responsibility at a young (that is, eager and absorbent) age. So if you’re a mother, I hope you’ll teach your children to be independent and self-assured when they’re still little. Give them opportunities to work out their problems, which includes allowing them to fail occasionally so that they can figure out for themselves how to succeed. It takes courage to let your kids individuate away from you — but trust me, they’ll benefit, and you’ll feel a sense of accomplishment as well.
Individuation is a psychological term used to describe when individuals separate or distinguish themselves from others, and it’s a big part of personal discovery. We’ve all done it — it’s a natural, yet sometimes difficult, transition. If we have teenagers, we know how this feels, and we can be certain our mothers felt the same way.
When cultures, rituals, and customs establish constraints to it, individuating can be especially tricky. For example, in various parts of the world, females are continually stratified and marginalized: Many women are relegated to roles and duties prescribed by antiquated cultural mores and rules that make life difficult, arduous, and at times seemingly hopeless. Girls are routinely denied education, ownership rights, and power over their bodies. So the suggestion that they buck the system and take charge of their lives may seem as disingenuous as telling them to fly like birds.
Yet stories continually surface of women in dire, restrictive circumstances who manage to take action to change their lives for the better despite the odds against them. One notable example is Ayaan Hirsi Ali, who so eloquently shares her personal saga in her book Infidel.
Born in Mogadishu, Somalia, Ali has dared to criticize Islam, a defiance that could cost her her life. Her screenplay for Theo Van Gogh’s movie “Submission,” which criticizes the position of women in Islamic societies, resulted in death threats against her. (Van Gogh himself was murdered in 2004 by a Muslim.) Despite the very real dangers facing Ali, and perhaps in spite of her upbringing as an obedient Muslim daughter, she’s become an outspoken advocate for women and a political activist. Even though she now lives and works in an undisclosed location in the Netherlands, her story as recounted in Infidel reveals her deep convictions and unfaltering courage. Read it and weep ... Ayaan Hirsi Ali is a true hero.
Excerpted from “What's Your Self-Worth? A Woman's Guide to Validation” by Cheryl Saban. Copyright (c) 2009, reprinted with permission from Hay House.
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