Social netiquette: When poking isn’t polite

Rule: Learn self-defense
“There is a bit of a risk in losing some control over personal details,” says John Abell, the East Coast editor for Wired.com. “... One reason is you often forget how widely circulated things are.”

Although you may have only intended for your 112 online friends to see that status message declaring that you hate your job, or that photo of you locking lips with a stranger, it can spread like fire if you aren’t familiar with your privacy settings. Make sure you are aware of who can see what is on your profile, particularly if you aren’t comfortable sharing the information with the whole world.

In addition, says Popkin, it’s completely acceptable to delete others’ comments on photos or your wall if they are inappropriate.

“You can send an e-mail to your friends saying that you’d appreciate it if they keep their comments clean,” she says. “You should also remember that someone’s mom or boss might be looking at their profile, so you should be respectful with your comments also.”

Kirsten Dixson, an online branding expert, advises Googling yourself every now and then to ensure you know what’s out there. “You want to make sure that very personal or unflattering information, if it's on the Web, is buried at least past page three of a Google search,” she says.

Rule: Smile for the camera
Remember that holiday party when you had too much eggnog and ended up with your shirt over your head? Months later that picture you forgot about ends up on the Web. In this situation, it’s probably in your best interest to untag yourself from the picture.

Popkin says for really embarrassing pictures, you can and should request that the photo be taken off the Web. “Your friends might rag you about it, but just take it in stride and laugh at yourself,” she said. “You can always blame it on ‘hearing scary stories about the Internet.’ ”

To avoid being caught off guard, make sure you adjust your settings so you are notified when a photo of you is tagged.

Rule: Poking people can be annoying
One of Debrett’s golden rules is “Don’t annoy your friends by constant, frantic poking.” The problem with the poke, a feature on Facebook that represents a digital version of poking someone with your finger, is that there is no collective understanding of what it means. Some take it literally as a sexual overture, while others say it’s just a way to say ”hey.” Depending on the nature of your relationship with the “pokee,” you can determine whether to poke or not — just keep it to a minimum.

If you are on the wrong side of an aggressive poker, Popkin suggests ignoring the poke, but leaving it up — the poking perpetrator will be unable to continue targeting you.

Rule: If you don't want to play, that’s OK
You moved across the country to get away from that girl who tormented you in high school, and now she’s trying to friend you. Don’t worry, says Popkin, just ignore the request.

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“You have no obligation to friend people, just like in the real world,” she says. “The best thing to do is ignore them, block them, and forget about it.”

That can be easier said that done, especially if the request you’re ignoring comes from a co-worker or boss with whom you interact on a daily basis.

“I have a Facebook friend in San Francisco who faced this awkward problem a couple of times,” Abell says. “She had to tell a co-worker ‘I don’t Facebook friends people that I work with.’ ”

The easiest thing to do is to tell the unwanted friend politely that you are trying to keep your network small, or that you want to keep it to close friends or family.

“If your boss still demands that you accept a friendship request, then he’s a jerk and you should probably look for a new job,” Popkin says.

Rule: Make mom proud
But how do you deal with friend requests from your family? Gone are the days when the different aspects of your life — your peers, your relationship, your work and your family — could be separated. There’s no easy way to spare mom’s feelings if you’ve decided to ignore her request.

“I’m not ready for you to see the genital references on my wall, the filthy verbing in my applications or my pictures tagged ‘Tuesday — drunk again,’ ” writes blogger Rottin’ in Denmark, in a post titled “I denied my mom’s friend request.” “My heart breaks a little bit every time I click ‘ignore.’ ”

In this situation you have a few options: Continue to ignore your mom’s request and just pretend you don’t know why she keeps bringing up the fact that she carried you for nine months; reluctantly accept that your granny, your mom and your kids are on Facebook and clean up your online act; or just tell the family your dirty little secrets before they discover who you really are by looking at your profile.

“It’s a good idea to limit your tweeting or posting to things that you wouldn’t mind your mother or grandmother seeing,” Jackson says. “Ask yourself, ‘Would mom be proud of me?’ ”

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