The naked truth: Junk and jubblies sell games

Winda Benedetti Citizen Gamer • E-mail

This just in: A penis is on display in a video game!

You heard right, a penis. A man’s sexual organ. A willy, if you will.

No, it’s not a pair of bouncing boobies (for once). It’s a penis. And I, for one, say … yeah! And, uh, ick!

As you might expect, the Internet is absolutely abuzz with all the nude news. Meanwhile, parent’s groups are busy tossing out their usual warnings (Save the children! Save the children!)

And in what game did this outlandish organ make its appearance? Well, “Grand Theft Auto” of course.

Yes, surprises all around.

Hold on a sec. Let me get this off my chest: Penis. Penis. Penis.

I know. I know. I’m acting like a 13-year-old girl, all red-cheeked and tee-heeing.  But, I can’t help it. The month of February has reminded me that video games and sexuality have nothing if not the kind of awkward, fumbling and utterly juvenile relationship you’d find between two be-zitted adolescents. That is, the two desperately want to get it on like grownups, but can’t seem to make it past first base without getting thumbs caught up in bra straps or without mom walking in and spoiling all the fun. Meanwhile, when they finally do start rounding the bases toward home plate, the experience tends to have all the charm of a roll in the hay after a few too many shots of tequila.

My question then is this: Video games have been around for decades now. Decades. So when are they — and when are we — going to finally grow up?

To review, let’s take a look at the previous month in gaming — a month that has presented a veritable smorgasbord of titillating (emphasis on the first syllable in that word) gaming fare.

At the end of January, “Afro Samurai” launched on the PS3 and Xbox 360 bringing with it plenty of stylish swordplay as well as a scene in which players get to slice and dice four topless ninja strippers.

And then came two games that offered more bared booty and bouncy boom-booms than a month at a strip club. “X-Blades” is a hack-and-slash game for the PS3, Xbox 360 and PC that features the curvaceous Ayumi, a sword-swinging relic hunter who’s capable of finding all manner of hidden treasures and yet, strangely, remains incapable of finding herself a pair of pants. Dressed in her bum-baring thong and a bikini top, Ayumi makes Lara Croft look like a prude in her sensible khaki shorts and t-shirt.

SouthPeak Games Sensible monster-killing wear or sales tool? Ayumi, the under-dressed star of the new game "X-Blades," has no problem finding hidden relics but can't seem to find herself a pair of pants.

Meanwhile, Ayumi seems to be sharing her wardrobe with Aya, one of the two “sexy samurai sisters” who star in the zombie-killin’ “Onechanbara” games launched for the Xbox 360 and the Wii. In addition to the teeny-tiny undies and barely-there brassiere she wears, Aya has added a cowboy hat and feather boa to her accoutrements. (Cuz nothing says zombie hunter like panties and a boa.)

After all the jiggling jubblies, a gal gamer can’t be blamed for cheering the appearance of some man meat – even if it is a highly unsightly bit o’ junk.

Last week, Rockstar Games launched “The Lost and Damned,” a massive downloadable expansion pack for the Xbox 360 version of “Grand Theft Auto IV.” The expansion takes gamers on a road trip into the violent world of biker gangs, putting players in control of a biker named Johnny Klebitz. During one particular mission, Klebitz meets a crooked congressman named Thomas Stubbs as he’s in the midst of receiving a massage. Stubbs, not being the shy sort, drops his towel to converse with Klebitz, displaying his flaccid middle-aged tool for all to see.

And jaws everywhere have been dropping ever since.

The parents’ group Common Sense Media was quick to point out the obvious: That this M-rated game “should be kept away — far away — from children.”

Meanwhile, the gaming sites have been having a field day coming up with clever penis-themed headlines to trumpet the news of the knob’s arrival just as gamers around the globe have been weighing in with their reactions to the dude-ity.

Writes blingbling078: “gta always tries to push the envelope but to have full frontal male nudity? with pubes and all? Wtf ... just beat that mission last nite. after that i had to stab my eyes out.”

All of which illustrates my point:  Something just isn’t right when the appearance of a penis — an organ that at least half the planet sees on a daily basis — makes headlines when it shows up in a video game … not to mention makes people want to stab their eyes out.

If all was right with the world, depicting sex and sexuality in video games meant for adult players would raise nary an eye brow. After all, adults in the real world have sex. Adults in movies have sex. So why shouldn’t adult characters in video games get it on or, you know, appear in their computer-generated birthday suits?

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