Moment-by-moment recap of the Oscars

4:06 p.m. PST
Welcome to the “Slumdog Millionaire” awards. I’ll be telling you really important things you need to know about what goes down, just in case you’re not actually watching. Or maybe you are watching — and reading this and Tweeting and at a party and playing Oscar Bingo and voting in a pool all at once. Maybe you’re that able.

So I’m kind of excited to watch the show. Bill Condon, the director of “Kinsey” and “Dreamgirls,” is co-producing it and I kinda-sorta know him. I’ve made him pancakes at my home. That doesn’t make me fancy. Just fancy-adjacent. Anyway, I trust his touch. You saw “Dreamgirls,” right? That was like the sparkliest movie of 2006. That means this show is going to be similarly shiny. All I hear about is the secret stars that are going to just spring out of holes in the stage like jack-in-the-box toys. I can’t wait for that.

Red carpet action that I’m catching up with on my TiVo:

Dial’s Antioxidant Cranberry Body Wash is sponsoring this thing they’re doing on E!’s red carpet coverage. Wherever Miley Cyrus, Zac Efron or Vanessa Hudgens happen to be, a big bar with their name on it floats over the screen and locates them. The bar is attached to a big pointy bolt of lightning that pinpoints their exact location on the crowded carpet. Except all you see is the back of a head. It could be anyone. In fact, it’s probably a publicist. But it’s my favorite thing about this red carpet situation. And I just kind of like saying Dial Antioxidant Cranberry Body Wash because it sounds like a made-up thing.

4:16 p.m. PST
Best part of the red carpet so far: Phoebe Cates. Remember her? She was famous in the ‘80s. She was in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High.” Then she married Kevin Kline and dropped out and made some babies. It’s never the people you want dropping out, you know?

Then there’s Sarah Jessica Parker and her gigantic dress. You want that kind of thing from her. E! has her making a grumpy face.

4:18 p.m. PST
OMG WHAT IS SHE WEARING?!

There, got that sentence out of the way.

4:35 p.m. PST
“Gaultier did me a real solid,” says Mickey Rourke, speaking of his outfit. Best part equals the necklace with the little picture of his adorable and recently deceased dog. I’m not goofing on him here. I like that.

Now Seacrest is asking Josh Brolin to explain Harvey Milk to the audience at home who refuse to go see “Milk” as the camera pans the sea of closeted celebrities. Oh, look, there’s one DL lesbian talking to Seacrest right now! No names, of course. But I live in this city so I know some things.

4:46 p.m. PST
Brangelina! First shot!

A discussion has broken out in my living room among the assembled guests: Who’s hotter, Angelina or The Octomom? The verdict: The majority of living room people are fans of Octomom’s fertility and commitment to the whole insanity thing, but we’re into the super-prettiness of Angie.

Who are they wearing? No one knows yet. I’m wearing pajama bottoms from Old Navy, L.L. Bean slippers, a T-shirt with a band name on it that can’t really be printed on this site, and a flannel bathrobe from I forget where. Figured you might want to know.

4:56 p.m. PST

Slideshow   Academy Awards: The big winners Kate Winslet and Sean Penn claimed honors, but “Slumdog Millionaire” was the story of the night. more photos

OK, enough carpeting. The show is about to start ...

5:07 p.m. PST
Psych. First disappointment of the night: The red carpet coverage continues on ABC, with an official countdown clock. Thirty more minutes of blah blah blah. At least there’s Tim Gunn. And some people who are, I think, from “Good Morning America.”

Oh, awesome, there’s Diane Lane. She was in the best movie ever: “Ladies and Gentlemen, The Fabulous Stains,” the one about the all-girl punk rock band. She was like 15 in that movie.

5:20 p.m. PST

Slideshow   Academy Awards: Red-carpet style “Slumdog” stars shine; Sarah Jessica Parker goes for the glamour; Heidi Klum glows in bright red. more photos

Aside from Sarah Jessy Parker’s Dior Haute Couture gown, Viola Davis, star of “Madea Goes to Jail,” (OK, co-star) looks the best of anyone in this whole rehash of the E! carpet parade. I saw “Madea” on Friday. It’s crap, of course, just like “Doubt.” But totally watchable all the same, just like “Doubt.” And Davis is the best thing in both. So that’s her role in the world now, making stuff better by showing up.

5:24 p.m. PST
I stand corrected: Penelope Cruz is wearing a mind-blowing, 60-year-old vintage Balmain gown. Sarah Jessica Parker and Viola Davis can stand behind her.

5:34 p.m. PST
OK, so I was right about it being sparkly. There are about five billion crystal thingies hanging from the stage. 

And Hugh Jackman didn’t waste any time making a recession joke. Even though no one in this room is experiencing the recession. It’s cute that they pretend to care.

5:47 p.m. PST
So there was just a 99-cent store theater musical number with some fake cardboard Oscars and Hugh Jackman singing about swimming through excrement. This may turn out to be awesome after all. Then he jumps into the audience to shake hands with every single person there. It appears that the main acting nominees are all sitting on folding chairs in the orchestra pit. There are going to be some seriously numb buttocks to go with all the numb foreheads.

MORE FROM OSCARS 2009

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