Heavy load: How to marry someone with baggage

By Marion Winik

updated 2:36 p.m. ET Feb. 4, 2009

*Some names have been changed

When Dave Adams* told his mother that his girlfriend, Maggie, had accepted his marriage proposal, Mom blurted out, “Have you told her about your student loans?” Later, Dave related his mom's comment to Maggie, who promptly asked, "What student loans?" Dave owed $60,000 to a bank — a monetary shocker that he'd overlooked when talking to Maggie about their future. “He honestly hadn't thought of telling me,” Maggie says. “Financial matters just aren't his specialty.” Still, when you're about to marry someone, you've really got to give your intended the whole picture, no matter what.

Financial obligation is a classic example of personal baggage, a term often used to define any encumbrance — debt, children, exes, friends, relatives, psychological issues, physical conditions — that can potentially cause conflict. Just about everyone in the world has at least a small suitcase, if not several loaded steamer trunks.

Baggage allowance
The critical first step in dealing with someone else's burdens is simply being aware of exactly what those burdens are. This can be accomplished by taking the time to get to know each other thoroughly. Some experts say that couples who live together or have long engagements have a better chance of staying together in the long run because they know what they're getting into. John W. Jacobs, M.D., a New York couples therapist and the author of “All You Need Is Love” and “Other Lies About Marriage,” advises couples to be completely honest with one another before they get married. “Get it all out there on the table so each of you can decide what you can handle and what you can't.” Dr. Jacobs' golden rule: the baggage a person brings to a relationship is his responsibility to unpack.

Dollar dilemmas
Instead of waiting for his mom to bring up the subject, Dave should have practiced full disclosure with Maggie. Even if you don't have such a huge financial liability, you and your fiancé, committing to a life together, should obtain copies of your credit reports and show them to each other. Everything on these statements can affect your joint financial future, which will come into play when you're trying to make a major purchase, such as a car or home.

Some financial matters may be negotiable; things like child-support payments and loan installments are not. You have to accept, says Dr. Jacobs, that whatever part of your fiancé's annual income goes toward these payments is a done deal and won't be part of your family resources.

If your potential mate is behaving irresponsibly toward his financial duties, Dr. Jacobs suggests that you discuss his actions immediately and find a solution. Put the marriage on hold until the negligent behavior has changed; otherwise, the fiscal responsibility may fall in your lap.

Bad company
What about friends or family members who are difficult, dependent, or divisive? First of all, says Dr. Jacobs, remember that your primary allegiance is to each other — just like the marriage vows say. Maybe there's a particular buddy of his — call him Sam — who rubs you the wrong way. If you spend a lot of time with Sam, Dr. Jacobs suggests that your spouse first consider downsizing the relationship a bit, and that you excuse yourself from their get-togethers. If Sam becomes destructive to the marriage — dragging your husband to strip clubs, for example — the friendship may have to change or end.

Sticky situations involving relatives, on the other hand, can't — and shouldn't — be as easily dismissed. Part of the commitment of marriage is doing things you don't necessarily want to do, like spending time with family you find trying. You may have to have dinner at your mother-in-law's more often than you'd like, or take a vacation now and then with his sister's out-of-control kids. What you don't have to accept is incivility.

Mark and Jackie had a persistent problem. His divorced mother continually criticized everything about Jackie. Because Mark felt sorry for his mom, he did nothing to defend Jackie. What can you do in such a sensitive situation? Have your fiancé talk frankly to the person who's causing conflict and insist that you be treated with kindness and respect. It will also help if you try to forgive the offender and learn to take the criticism less personally. If the verbal abuse continues, you'll need to speak up. Saying “you're being hurtful” may jump-start his mom into a reality check. If not, Dr. Jacobs says, walk away. Your fiancé may have to deliver an ultimatum — be more courteous with my loved one or spend less time with me.

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