HotmailDate three men at once to find ‘Love in 90 Days’
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1. Use the three-question dud/stud test
Use the test below to determine whether a guy is worth putting into your Dating Program of Three. These three questions separate a DUD (Definitely Unworkable Dude) from a STUD (Seriously Terrific, Utterly Devoted Dude) and weed out those who are heartbreakers or not good love matches. There is no perfect guy. But you can find a wonderful guy who is willing to grow into an almost perfect STUD!
When you meet someone, ask yourself the following questions.
Is this guy:
I. Crazy About Me? (Program of Three Contender = Yes on at least 4 of the below)
- Eager to see me
- Reluctant to leave me
- Interested in me and my life
- Wants to be helpful
- Is verbally and physically affectionate
- Wants to be sexual with me
- Acts like I am very special; doesn’t really want to date others
- Willing to hang in there as I work the Program of Three
II. Willing to Grow? (Program of Three Contender = Yes on at least 2 of the below)
- Takes suggestions or advice
- Is self-reflective
- Is willing to go to therapy or life coaching
- Takes growth courses
- Meditates or prays
- Was or is in a 12-step program or men’s group
III. Meeting the Basics? (Program of Three Contender = Yes on at least 4 of the below)
- Is a good guy — reliable, tells the truth, cares about others
- Wants a real, committed relationship
- Willing to have children if I want them
- Is successful — has a good income
- Is a member of my religious faith
- Is not in a relationship with anyone else
- Comes from a stable family of origin
- Is geographically desirable
You will read more about these criteria in the next chapter, but for now I want you just to get an overview of the three critical questions. A guy has to meet the standards in each of the categories to date you on an ongoing basis. Choosing from this pool of men will save you a lot of wasted time with men who are not into you, scoundrels who betray you, or narcissists who blame you for any and every problem. Using the DUD/STUD screening sets you up to have a solid, long-lasting love relationship. This means that your partner is your best friend, but with great sex.
I know, I know — you can’t even get one good guy to date. Yes, you can, and you will. The Program of Three will get you there.
2. Don't pass on the ones that are not your type
If a guy passes the three-question test, give him a real chance, even if he is balding, paunchy, nerdy, or is not particularly attractive. In fact, you want to date against type. Even if you are not exactly blown away by a person on the first date, remember to stay open. If he passes the DUD/STUD Test, go for at least a second or third date. You cannot know what secret goodies are hidden in someone just by meeting him once.
You have to let a potential partner unfold and show you his different sides. If there is any connection with this person at all, give it another chance. Even if you feel there is no chemistry. Chemistry can happen in a heartbeat.
Remember, you are breaking your Deadly Dating Patterns, which have led you to be attracted to guys who were not right for you. Love almost always comes in a surprise package; most people do not end up with the kind of person they imagine for themselves. The woman who dates starving artists marries a rich, balding lawyer. One of my students who was deeply infatuated with a hot George Clooney look-alike later created a gem of a marriage with a short, plain guy who was her champion and a healing force of nature in her life.
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3. Use the open (Opening Possibility Exercises Now) techniques with guys who are not your type
Jan. 30: Psychologist Diana Kirschner talks about her new book “Love in 90 Days,” and gives tips on how to find the right person for you.
If a guy passes the DUD/STUD Test — he seems crazy about you, is willing to grow, and is a good guy — use my OPEN Techniques to see what may be there. First, think of him as a present wrapped in nested boxes. As you interact with him, you are unwrapping the present and finding out more and more things about him that may be wonderful and open marvelous chemistry and connection!
Try using one or two of these affirmations before each date: I have fun with this man. I see the hidden possibilities in (his name). This man is a present for my enjoyment. More will be revealed about this person. I uncover and enjoy the wonderful aspects of this man. I find chemistry with (his name). This guy is a hottie! (His name) turns me on!
Second, go on dates that are exciting, novel, and get the adrenaline pumping. This simulates the speedy brain chemistry of love. Go on a roller coaster at the amusement park, rock climbing at your gym, take a helicopter ride, try hiking on a high, winding trail or windsurfing, make a mad dash to catch the sunset at the beach, scream yourselves silly at a football game or the racetrack. Studies show that people who are emotionally aroused, whether by joy, fear, or any feeling, fall in love more easily. As two love researchers once wrote, “Adrenaline makes the heart grow fonder.”
Third, see him in his element. Plan a date around skiing, a performance of his rock band, a wine-tasting event, or whatever he excels at. You will catch sides of him you haven’t seen before. His personal power and charisma will be at their height and just may open up a host of juicy feelings.
Fourth, to open up chemistry, try turning yourself on first. Go on a date wearing your sexiest lingerie under your clothes. Flirt with him, get touchy-feely, whisper in his ear, and maybe kiss him. If he suddenly comes back with some sensual, sweet, mind-blowing moves, your “chemistry experiment” may prove to be a sparkling success!
Excerpted from “Love in 90 Days” by by Diana Kirschner. Copyright (c) 2009, reprinted with permission from Hachette Book Group.
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