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Case study 3
Outward behavior: Too busy to date
Underlying causes: Procrastination and avoidance
I’ve had lots of clients I’ve called Mr. Busy. Mr. Busy types remind me of my brother, who we used to call Five-Job Jimmy because, well, he had a lot of jobs. These are usually great guys — warm, honest, and fun to be around.
That is, if you can find them.
Like my brother, Jimmy, did when we were growing up, Mr. Busy types either have one really demanding job, or two or three jobs they juggle. They’re overextended in every possible way — coaching their kid’s soccer and baseball teams, volunteering at the local soup kitchen or fund- raising for their favorite charity, very involved with a hobby that takes up enough time to be another full- time job. On the rare occasions that Mr. Busy is home, he’s swamped with home improvement projects that he insists are going to help him attract and keep the woman of his dreams.
You know, the woman he hasn’t met yet because he hasn’t had time to go on any dates.
Mr. Busy types think that finding love is the next piece in their life puzzle.
To me, it’s the only piece of their puzzle.
But if they want love, they’re first going to have to devote some time to finding it.
Finding love isn’t what you do in your spare time: it’s what you commit yourself to doing all the time. If you’re here reading this book, chances are you finally see that you have to get over yourself and some of your issues in order to find love, and making time to go on dates and meet people is the first, most basic part of the process.
Simple as it sounds, making time to find love requires that you make your search a priority, and making it a priority means you’re ready, willing, and able to connect with people. And just as with other types of daters, Mr. Busy types often aren’t quite there yet.
Being too busy to date is another garage door behavior because packing your schedule with too many activities and obligations and plans prevents you from having a relationship. A man who doesn’t have time to date is almost always a man who is afraid to date — afraid to risk getting close to someone, afraid to risk making himself vulnerable.
If we keep connecting the dots we’ll soon find that behind that busy schedule is a guy who was hurt in some way, either in a past relationship or by a traumatic loss that has made him afraid of losing someone or something he doesn’t even have. The reason he’s putting love last isn’t because he’s a jerk, but it’s probably why he’s had trouble with dating and relationships in the past: nothing makes a woman feel less important than a guy who makes her his last priority.
Get Over Yourself Solution: Whether you’re a workaholic or an overextended volunteer, examine the reasons why you’re avoiding yourself and spending so much time on everything but your search for love. Then, re-prioritize your schedule so that you’ll have time to get over yourself and get back in the dating game.
Case study 4
Outward behavior: Too chunky/dumpy/frumpy/lumpy
Underlying causes: Insecurity, low self-esteem and confidence, fear of rejection
I’ve had plenty of clients who were a hundred pounds overweight, but I’ve had many, many more who were only twenty or thirty or fifty pounds overweight or who haven’t changed their hairstyle since the eighties or updated their wardrobe since the nineties. These Chunky/Dumpy/Frumpy/Lumpy types are having trouble with their appearance, and it’s causing them to have trouble with dating.
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Most of the time, these problems are easy to fix. New clothes, a trip to the salon, joining a gym and committing to a healthier lifestyle are sometimes all it takes to get someone off the couch and into the dating world.
And almost always problems with appearance have a lot, if not everything, to do with self-esteem — a significant breakup or rejection or some other kind of major incident that has shaken their self-confidence enough to make them want to hide.
More often than not it’s that impulse to hide that is at the root of weight and appearance issues. Crazy hair, sloppy or eccentric or outdated clothes, and too much weight are the perfect covers under which to hide. It’s the perfect protection from having to get back out there and risk more rejection and pain. It’s also the perfect way to keep you isolated, keep your wounds from healing, and keep you from finding love again.
Get Over Yourself Solution: Deal with your wounds — rejection or anger or sadness or loneliness. Make a few long- overdue improvements to your appearance and commit to changing some of your unhealthy health habits so that you can feel better about yourself and stop hiding from the love you deserve.
Case study 5
Outward behavior: Too old to be acting that young
Underlying causes: Low self-esteem, issues with aging, post-divorce adjustment
Whether it’s the divorced mom with kids who won’t leave the bar before closing time or the soon-to-be-middle-aged Party Boy who behaves like an obnoxious frat boy, older singles who can’t, don’t, or won’t act their age have problems.
Most of the people who fall into this category are second-time arounders — women and men who are divorced and reentering the dating world after long marriages. Often they’re unsure how to behave now that they’re single again — either they’re enjoying their freedom a little too much by overindulging in the dating scene, or their newly gained independence is making them anxious because they’re used to being coupled and scared that they’re never going to meet anyone again. Whether it’s excitement that’s motivating them or a fear of loneliness, this type of dater is out partying too much and probably having way too many booty calls for their own good, let alone to be a successful dater.
Other people who fall into this category are more commitment-phobic and narcissistic than sad and lonely because of a change in relationship status. The Party Boy or Player is usually motivated by not wanting to grow up and because of that he wants to keep dating younger and younger girls to feel young and free for as long as possible. But dating twenty-year-olds when you’re pushing forty isn’t attractive — in fact, it’s a red flag for smart, interesting women who are looking for a real connection, not just a night doing shots.
Get Over Yourself Solution: Cut back on the drinking and partying, stop the booty calls, get an age-appropriate attitude, and start acting like who you are instead of who you were twenty years ago so that you can find love.
Case study 6
Outward behavior: Too promiscuous
Underlying causes: Low self-esteem, still getting over an ex, anger issues
Similar to the Age Inappropriate Dater, the dater who is too easy and overly promiscuous is having trouble in the booty-call department. The person having too much casual sex and behaving in ways that are unsafe physically and emotionally is in just as much trouble as the person who can’t get any dates — if not more. Singles who date too much and sleep around too much are problematic: Their lack of selectivity and their need for constant attention is an obvious sign that something isn’t right.
Men have been having casual one-night-stand sex for as long as humans have been walking the earth, but most women haven’t. Casual sex and one night stands are relatively new for women, by-products of the sexual revolution and one of the things the modern woman has become all too familiar with. Lots of women think of booty calls as a sign of the success of feminism. It’s the idea that women, like men, now have the sexual freedom to go out there and hook up with someone they just met and barely know — but I couldn’t disagree more. Promiscuity — whether in the form of club- and bar-hopping one night stands or texting old flames for a late-night house call — is a sign of an unhealthy ego or unresolved emotional issues in both men and women.
Promiscuous behavior is also a garage door behavior, though it’s a less obvious one. Many of my clients who sleep around too much say they do it because they’re alone and lonely.
I tell them they have it backwards.
I tell them they’re alone and lonely because they do it.
Hooking up indiscriminately and way too often is what people who are afraid of intimacy do: they guarantee their own failure at dating by sleeping with anyone they can get their hands on.
Sometimes promiscuous behavior is fueled by alcohol. Almost always it’s caused by low self- esteem. Whatever’s at the root of that dangerously low self-esteem — sadness over the end of a relationship or anger at someone who dumped and rejected you, which is now anger turned inward because instead of respecting yourself you’re disrespecting yourself — has to be addressed before you can move on and find real love.
Get Over Yourself Solution: Watch the alcohol, stop the booty calls, and figure out what’s making you treat yourself with so much disregard and disrespect so that you can be ready for true love when it comes back around.
Excerpted from “Get Over Yourself” by Patti Novak. Copyright (c) 2008. Reprinted with permission from Random House.
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