Can’t get a date? It’s not them, it’s you

Patti Novak, star of the A&E series “Confessions of a Matchmaker,” says that finding true love isn't about having the right shoes or a flat stomach — it's about being ready. In her new book, “Get Over Yourself,” she breaks down how to get yourself ready to date by first understanding and fixing your own problems. In this excerpt, she diagnoses some common dating problems and explains the underlying causes.

Self-Diagnosis: Identifying the true problem behind your behavior so you can stop it, fix it, and get over it
Chances are, if you’re having trouble dating, you — and you alone —  have something to do with it. People often think the problem is external — “My dates have all been jerks” is a common reason I hear for why things never work out — but I can tell you from years of experience that while external factors play a part, most of the time, most people’s problems with dating and finding love are their own.

Like agreeing to date jerks!

If you can’t make it to a good matchmaker or a good life coach or a good therapist, anything that gets you to look at yourself and your behavior — and gets you in the habit of being more self-aware and self-reflective — can be tremendously helpful when embarking on the search for love. Which is why identifying yourself and the types of people you commonly date is so important.

There’s an appendix at the back of the book called “A Field Guide to Dating Types,” which you can refer to as you read on. Spend some time there to find out what type of dater you are and what type of dater has been your type.

Identifying your problem behaviors in dating — figuring out if it’s your tough-girl attitude that’s turning men off, or your controlling behavior that’s turning women off, to name only two annoying and problematic behaviors — is a very important step.

Dating trouble isn't the problem — it's a symptom of other problems.

This is crucial to understand: If you’re having trouble finding love, chances are dating is not your main problem. Chances are your trouble with dating is a symptom of other problems — larger, deeper emotional issues that are at the core of who you are.

Those larger and deeper emotional issues — your core — will be covered in depth in the next section of the book, but first you need to identify them. Taking a cold, hard look at yourself and developing a deeper understanding of who you are and why is one of the most important and fundamental parts of the process of finding love. Many of the people who come to me show up because they’ve spent much of their life avoiding themselves and not looking at what their own issues are and why they have them. They’ve spent years having trouble in relationships or not having any relationships because they’ve been too afraid to sit themselves down and try to get to the true cause of their dating difficulties.

The problem with avoiding your core is that it eventually catches up with you. You can run but you can’t hide from the fiber of your being — your childhood, your hurts, your wounds, the relationships that have formed you and made you who you are today, good or bad. Almost everyone tries to outrun their past, but eventually you will arrive at a point at which you know there’s nowhere left to go but inside.

Some problems are easier to solve than others. Some clients come to me with issues that are relatively easy to fix once those issues are identified.

Maybe it’s a question of low self-esteem for someone who has gained weight after a bad breakup or after a long period of being alone. Starting a fitness program or weight loss program might be just the spark they need to get them back on track and feeling better about themselves. Maybe it’s a question of making some adjustments in clothes and makeup to stop sending the wrong message. Choosing clothes that aren’t as provocative and revealing and toning down the mannequin-like makeup can help someone stop attracting the wrong kind of guy. I’m not saying don’t be sexy — I’m just saying less is more.

Some other issues — usually of trust or social awkwardness or deep emotional scarring — require more help than a matchmaker can give, which is why I’ll often suggest to someone whose problems are of a sensitive nature or seem very deep- seated that they seek professional counseling from a trained therapist who can help them on a level that I can’t.

But for most of the people I see and for most of you reading this book, a few basic, fundamental — and relatively easy to fix — problems are the most common causes of dating difficulties.

Problem behaviors in dating = self-protective behaviors
Once you’ve identified your problem behavior(s), you need to connect the dots to what’s behind them and to understand what emotional wounds or painful life experiences have caused you to develop these behaviors. Connecting those dots won’t solve your problems instantly. It might take awhile to change your behavior and make peace with some of your issues, but it’s still a crucial step in understanding that your behavior and emotional health are contributing factors in your relationship history.

Probably the biggest revelation to most of my clients is when, after our long first interview and after I’ve figured out what makes them tick and why, I explain to them that their problematic dating behaviors are self- protective: that is, they’ve developed ways to protect themselves from being vulnerable to anything from emotional injury to plain old disappointment. Once my clients understand that connection — that their appearance-related problems, for example, are related to the fact that they’re afraid of getting hurt again or that their overly promiscuous behavior is a way to avoid true and meaningful connection because they have trust issues — they begin to see much more clearly who they are and how they come across to other people. And it’s at this point that they begin to realize that the more they understand themselves — the more they know who they really are, instead of who they just think they are — the better chance they’ll have in their search for love.

Outward behaviors — aka ‘garage doors’— and what’s behind them
I call these problematic self- protective behaviors “garage doors” because they keep you inside yourself and away from what you really want to find: love. Garage door behaviors are what we hide behind when we’re not ready to get out there and date, and they’re what must be lifted and opened if you’re ever going to get over yourself and find love.

I’m going to help you diagnose yourself by showing you some of the most common dating problems and how these problems can affect your success in dating and ultimately in finding love. In each case, I’ll show you the outward behavior and then the underlying cause. As you read, think about what garage door behaviors you have and why, and what they’ve been protecting you from doing or feeling.

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