Perez Hilton: Get your 15 minutes of fame

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Being a player in the gossip game has given me an insider’s view of fame, celebrity, and scandal. I’ve been doing this for many years now, and, lucky for you, I’m going to share with you in the following pages all of my knowledge in a how-to format — because to quote Jessica Simpson, there are no such things as applied sciences, only applications of science. In fact, consider this book your bible to fame whoredom. All it really takes is a few red carpet suicides to make it in Hollywood, and I’ve handpicked the twelve most effective ones and presented them to you in twelve easy steps. If you follow them like the Ten Commandments, you too will enter the kingdom of Hollywood and reap the rewards: premieres, bottle service, late-night parties, hard-core sex, big money, fast cars, and tabloid cover stories.

You can find these twelve red carpet suicides in the first part of this book, “Becoming a Hilton.” After you’ve made your media-whore transformation, proceed to the second part of the book, “The Future of Hilton,” where you will learn how the Hilton generation will evolve and who will be the next set of celebrities to rule Hollywood. Who knows, maybe your name will be included in that list after reading this book! And finally, the third part, “My Life as a Hilton,” documents my own journey through Hollywood and hilton life. I’ll let you in on some of my juicy celebrity secrets and outrageous encounters!

But before you even start reading the first part of this book, you should get to know the hilton types, so you know which one you want to be and whom you want to model your suicide attempts from. The following are token hiltons to consider. Mix and match. Be creative and make a hilton mutant even! There are no limits when you are a hilton.

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The heiress
This hilton’s fame is truly in the name, so if you were born an heiress, most of the work is already done for you. If you’re not as lucky, make up a name and fake the funk. And make sure you have your princess image down to a T!

Examples: Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Brooke Hogan, Kelly Osbourne, Drew Barrymore, Tori Spelling

Identifying quote: “Daddy, I want an Oompa-Loompa now!”

The sibling
This hilton thrives on the demise of his or her famous sibling(s). They’re like scavengers who pick up the scraps — though you might need to do some waiting around and real sacrificing if you want to follow in this hilton’s footsteps. La Toya Jackson has to wait for Michael to have another boys-only sleepover before she outs him to the media or publicly admonishes him for his behavior. And then there’s Ashlee Simpson, who wanted to be just like Jessica, and did just that when she got a nose job!

Examples: Ashlee Simpson, Ali Lohan, Aaron Carter, Jamie Lynn Spears

Identifying quote: “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!”

The reality star
The best part about this hilton is that all you need is to be yourself. Except more annoying! Though it’s definitely the easiest way to get fame, it also has the shortest shelf life. In no time, Lauren Conrad will be long forgotten and won’t be able to find anyone who’ll want her, except maybe Hollywood Squares. Even then, we won’t be able to remember why she was famous.

Examples: Lauren Conrad, Spencer Pratt, Kim Kardashian, Tila Tequila

Identifying quote: “How can you possibly not know who I am?”

The has-been
These hiltons just can’t accept their faded spotlight and do whatever they can to stay in the game. They’ll do anything and anyone to keep their platform, and sometimes it pays off. Some of these hiltons still end up in magazines, but only for filler purposes.

Examples: Tara Reid, Nick Carter, Nick Lachey, Mischa Barton

Identifying quote: “Find me a script ... or a scandal!”

The Disney sexpot
This hilton is a whore in training and has a pretty influential pimp: Disney. Try out to be the next Hannah Montana and just play into the media’s expectations. It’s this hilton’s destiny to be the slut of Hollywood.

Examples: Lindsay Lohan, Miley Cyrus, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Vanessa Hudgens

Identifying quote: “Have you ever kissed a mouse between the ears? Would you like to?”

So now that you know your hilton type, you’re ready to get started! And for those who are worried that you might not have the talent to make it, just remember that it doesn’t take any talent at all! With just a little help from a drug dealer and the local liquor store, anyone can be a hilton and rule the world. Even you!

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Perez Hilton: Get your 15 minutes of fame