January is the saddest movie month of the year

If you’re a moviegoer, the transition from December to January is a rough one, like falling asleep in Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory and waking up in the dystopia of “Blade Runner.”

In December, the films that are positioning themselves for awards roll out in rapid succession, each trying to be the last movie voters see before their ballots arrive. And then in January, you find yourself staring at a set of showtimes thinking, “How were there eight things I wanted to see two weeks ago, and now I’m choosing between a cheap horror remake and something called ‘Hotel For Dogs’?”

This year turned out to be a strong one for film, with December openers including “Frost/Nixon,” “Revolutionary Road,” “Doubt,” “The Reader,” “The Wrestler” and “The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button.” Of the odds-on favorites to pull down a lot of big awards — not counting comic-book blockbuster “The Dark Knight,” which had to bow in the summer — only “Milk” gambled on coming out a few weeks earlier, trusting that its indelible mark on the minds of those who saw it would last longer than Frosty The Snowman.

Many viewers haven’t even had the opportunity to see some of these movies yet, since some — notably “Frost/Nixon” and “Revolutionary Road” — aren’t in wide release for another week or two. If you can convince yourself to view these holdovers as part of January/February and not part of December, then the dawning of the new year may look brighter to you.

Otherwise, prepare to experience a paralyzing sense of dread.

Charm bombs away

Video   ‘Bride Wars’: Jan. 9 Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson star as two best-friend brides who find they've scheduled their wedding dates on the same day.

The most ubiquitously advertised January arrival is “Bride Wars” (Jan. 9), starring Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway as squabbling friends whose weddings are scheduled for the same day — har har! — and hilarity ensues.

There is probably not an actress alive who has squandered more promise more aggressively than Hudson, whose twinkly presence in “Almost Famous” gave way to a series of awful choices, from “How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days” all the way through 2008’s widely panned “Fool’s Gold.” Hathaway, however, could give Hudson a run for her money if this is the direction she goes after “Rachel Getting Married.”

“Bride Wars” is a perfect example of the kind of movie January so often brings: one that’s destined to be watched on pay-per-view in a hotel. It will undoubtedly have enough cute jokes and girly banter to be watchable, but suffice it to say: you would not release this movie in December. The filmmakers know you will return to your deluxe queen room at the end of a long day with no energy to do anything but eat cashews out of the mini-bar and put a movie on.

Video   ‘New In Town’: Jan 30 Renée Zellweger plays a career woman from Miami who gets transplanted to a small town in Minnesota. Harry Connick Jr. co-stars.

Hudson and Hathaway aren’t the only ones looking to drop charm bombs on our heads in the chill of January 2009. Renee Zellweger could use a comeback after her appearance in the George Clooney bomb “Leatherheads,” a movie not nearly as bad as its reputation, but one in which her skittish, overworked performance was the least successful element.

The trailers for “New In Town” (Jan. 30), in which she plays an executive who travels to New Ulm, Minnesota in the dead of winter to improve the operations of a factory, look promising in places, as she flirts with Harry Connick, Jr. and blanches at the same “oh, yah” accent-driven humor that provided a lot of the gas in “Fargo.” But two minutes of overdone accents and ice-fishing jokes are one thing; a full movie is something quite different, and there’s not much to say about out-of-town professionals stranded in lovable small towns that hasn’t been said countless times before.

From the makers of ‘Daddy Day Care’...
Not feeling entirely discouraged just yet? How about “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” (January 16), a comedy starring Kevin James, late of CBS’s “The King Of Queens”? From the director of “Daddy Day Care” and “Doctor Dolittle 2,” “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” is the story of a bumbling, out-of-shape mall security guard confronted with a real, “Die Hard”-like emergency.

Video   ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop’: Jan. 16 Kevin James stars as a mall security guard who must deal with some nasty bank robbers.

If you’re the kind of person who could watch 50 or 60 consecutive episodes of “America’s Funniest Home Videos” without tiring of shots of large people falling down and being hit in the crotch with bats, you are the target audience for “Paul Blart: Mall Cop.” It’s probably safe to say that this one is not hurting its awards chances by coming out so early in the year.

And sometimes, the title alone is enough. Ladies and gentlemen: “My Bloody Valentine 3-D” (January 16).

Video   ‘Underworld: Rise of the Lycans’: Jan. 23 This origins story tells how the Lycans rose up against a group of vampires known as the Death Dealers.

But perhaps the most puzzling development of early 2009 is the approach of “Underworld: Rise Of The Lycans” (January 30), a werewolf/vampire movie. It’s part of a series that last produced “Underworld: Evolution,” a 2006 film with a stunningly terrible 14 percent positive rating over at critic-aggregating site Rotten Tomatoes.

The surprise isn’t that “Underworld: Rise Of The Lycans” exists; it’s that it stars Michael Sheen, whom you will soon be able to see — if you haven’t already — as David Frost in “Frost/Nixon,” and who played Tony Blair in the widely lauded “The Queen.” Sheen was in “Underworld: Evolution” and the original “Underworld” as well, but he’s either stuck in a multi-picture deal that somebody was awfully smart to lock in several years ago, or he’s making some pretty perplexing choices for a guy who would make a respectable Oscar nominee.

Video   'The Pink Panther 2': Feb. 6 Steve Martin returns as Inspector Jacques Clouseau is back, and he teams up with a group of international detectives who are as clueless as he is.

Unfortunately, February doesn’t look much better, featuring the stale catchphrase-exploiting romantic comedy “He’s Just Not That Into You” and a second performance by Steve Martin as Insp. Jacques Clouseau in “The Pink Panther 2.” March is always a dumping ground for movies that studios have given up on (one look at the March 2008 crop, most of which you’ve undoubtedly forgotten, will demonstrate the point), and it’s counterproductive to release anything good in April that you could hold until the May start of the summer season.

It’s not that you should resign yourself to four months of mediocrity — there will be exceptions to all these rules. But this is the time when we plunge from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. From Kate Winslet movies to Kate Hudson movies; from Michael Sheen as David Frost to Michael Sheen as a werewolf. If you find yourself stranded at a theater in January, you’ll have to do your best to find something to watch. Of course, if you’re stranded in a hotel, you can watch plenty of movies from last January.

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