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Hard times forcing families apart on holidays
Parents feel ache of longing
But for parents, the absence of their adult children during the holidays can be especially hard. Many take it as a sign that their family has begun to fracture, experts say.
“Even though you know that they need to move on, when they actually do start moving on, it’s hard because it’s not just theoretical anymore; it’s real,” Molitor says. “We all know that, but each step of the way, as they start to separate from you, it tugs at your heart, because it reminds you that you’re not the only person that’s special to them. There’s a whole world opening up to your child, and you’re excited for them, but you’re sad because other people are going to be important to them besides you.”
Burns says every time he talks to his mother on the phone, she asks, “Are you sure you can’t come home this year?” before getting choked up all over again.
“Christmas has been kind of a bummer this year,” says Burns’ mom, Jeannie Edwards, who lives in Atlanta. “To hear that, even though I had prepared myself for it, it was sad. It was tough.”
Acknowledging such feelings is an important part of moving forward, says Molitor. “You have to recognize that it is sad; it’s going to change the nature of the holiday a little bit,” she says. “But if you can’t shift gears and focus on the people who are around your table it’s going to be tough for everybody.
“If you’re feeling bad or sad, try not to make them feel guilty; try not to make it worse,” Molitor says. “That will push them away and maybe make them not want to come home next time.”
Carole Disenhof, a clinical psychologist in Beverly Hills, Calif., says that parents and adult children who have to be apart will likely feel better if they seek comfort in others.
If you can’t be with your family during the holidays, “do not be alone under any condition,” she says. “When we’re alone, we tend to get depressed, even if it’s not a holiday. We’re not meant to be alone.”
Virtual Christmas
Experts recommend taking advantage of high-tech ways to be together, especially the real-time ways that Web cams and Skype, an Internet telephone and video service, offer. Last Christmas, 29-year-old Kris Lamb set up a special surprise for his mom who was upset over the absence of her daughter Katy, who was in China teaching English. On Christmas morning, he connected his laptop to his parents’ TV, logged on to Skype and there was Katy in the family’s living room, waiting for their mom when she came down the stairs.
“It was all tears; she was in absolute shock,” says Lamb, who lives in Raleigh, N.C. His parents live in Middlesborough, England, where the family regroups each year for the holidays. “At first she thought it was a recorded message; it took her about five minutes to realize she was really there.”
The Lambs played Monopoly with Katy via Skype during the day, and they even set a place for her for dinner. “She had a virtual Christmas dinner with us, with my laptop on the table,” Lamb says.
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But a holiday apart from extended family can also be a chance to start new traditions, as Ryan Burns is going to do with his two kids, who are 2 and 4. He’s looking forward to a Christmas like the ones of his youth, when his parents would force him and his brothers and sisters to wait at the top of the stairs on Christmas morning until they gave the OK to run down to the tree.
“To some extent, that’s kind of cool,” Burns says. “We’ll actually get to be home and be together. We’ll get to do some of the traditions that I grew up with. I guess that’s kind of a way to bridge the fact that we’re not with family. There are these things that I’m able to bring to my kids and my family now.”
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