Hard times forcing families apart on holidays

Melissa Dahl Health writer • E-mail

For the first time in his life, Ryan Burns can’t afford to go home for the holidays. During Christmases past, he and his wife and two kids have traditionally spent much of the day in the car driving from their home in Orlando, Fla., to gatherings with their parents and grandparents, who live in various towns in Georgia.

But in October, Burns, 30, had to take a job that relocated the family to Bellingham, Wash., even though he’d been looking for one that would have kept them closer to home. Just a few weeks ago, it hit him that he couldn’t afford to travel for Christmas this year.

“I just had that kind of homesick feeling when I realized I’m not going to get to see my mom, my dad, my brothers and sisters this year,” says Burns, who works for a company marketing Bible study software.

“It was just kind of a somber moment realizing that, wow, I guess I’ve taken for granted how wonderful it was to be so close.”

As the financial crisis continues to bear down on the country, more families who can’t afford to travel for Christmas this year are facing being apart. The AAA expects holiday travel to drop 2.1 percent compared to last year — the first time it’s declined in the U.S. since 2002. Others are afraid to take time away from work, fearing that soon there may not be a job to return to.

”I’m hearing people talk about this a lot,” says Nancy Molitor, a clinical psychologist in Wilmette, Ill., and a spokeswoman for the American Psychological Association. “Our phones ring off the hook this time of year, anyway, but it’s especially poignant this year.”

A quieter holiday
Burns said he had a preview of how Christmas might feel this year when his family celebrated Thanksgiving without the Georgia relatives who’ve always surrounded them.

“With Thanksgiving, it was me, my wife and my two little kids,” Burns says. “We cooked this enormous Thanksgiving meal, and we looked at each other and realized, wow, it’s just the four of us.”

Apart from your family? How to cope If you can’t afford to travel, don’t feel embarrassed or guilty about being financially realistic. Especially this year, you’re not alone. Try volunteering this year – it may even become a holiday tradition for your family. Talk to other friends who are in the same position, and invite friends who are without their families to celebrate the holidays with you. Stay connected! Take advantage of text messaging, Web cams and Skype as virtual ways to spend the day together.

Often that despair is paired with guilt, as those who can’t afford to travel feel almost as if they are abandoning their families. Christian Hawley, who’s 41 and lives in Denver, has traveled to Dallas to see her big Texan family every year since she moved to Colorado in 1992. But this year, the finance industry is in trouble and layoffs are rumored at the investment firm where she works. Hawley was afraid to spend the $500 for a plane ticket because, she says, “I have to be realistic: The chances of my having a job after the first aren’t very high.”

Ever since she made the decision in November, she’s been agonizing over whether she made the right choice, especially since her mother has been giving her near-constant guilt trips (“But we’ll all miss you, and you live so far away…”)

While it's painful to disappoint family, psychologists say no one should be ashamed about being financially realistic.

“There’s no shame, especially this year, in admitting that you can’t afford $1,000 for plane tickets in your Christmas budget,” Molitor says. After getting over the initial feelings of loneliness or guilt, Molitor says that many of her patients have actually warmed to the idea of a very different Christmas this year.

“People are telling me they were upset a month ago, but now they’re telling me they’re almost relieved. All the extra pressure is gone,” Molitor says. “A lot of people are really telling me they’re looking forward to just kicking back and making it simpler this year.”

'A surge of independence'
Some young adults’ financial constraints have pushed them into a grown-up holiday season away from their parents before they're ready. When 26-year-old Christina Halper realized she wouldn’t be able to afford the plane ticket from New Jersey to visit her mom and brother in Sedona, Ariz., she was heartbroken at first.

Video Is holiday stress making you fat? Dec. 22: Nutritionist Ellie Krieger and psychiatrist Dr. Janet Taylor discuss ways to avoid stress-related eating during the holiday season. Today show

“[My mom] offered to pay for my plane ticket, but it’s not her responsibility; I’m an adult,” Halper says. “Also I need to be with my boyfriend’s family, and get used to their traditions. They might be my family one day. I didn’t want to be a 26-year-old baby crying home to my mommy. I just needed to buckle down and say, ‘I’m staying in New Jersey.’

“Do I miss them? Of course,” Halper says. “But it’s also this surge of independence, and it’s carving my own path.”

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