Does life suck? Go from crappy to happy

Show up. Be present.
Have you ever woken up during a really fantastic dream and willed yourself to go back into that dream when you went back to sleep? I have a friend who did this the other night when she woke up while waiting for George Clooney to pick her up for a date. (Two-timer!) She was so into the dream that when she fell asleep again, she managed to pick up where she had left off. Dreamy. After she told me about it, I had my own little Aha. No, not about George. I found myself wondering, “How often do we will ourselves to get back into the moment when we’re awake?”

Awake, of course, as in not sleeping. With some people, it’s hard to tell the difference.

If you’ve ever lost your car keys, put the milk carton in the cabinet and the cereal box in the fridge, or missed your exit while daydreaming, then you know what it’s like to tune out and be unaware, if only for a moment.

But moments count. Moments are when life happens. Not in hindsight, or tomorrow, or whenever you think you’re ready for it. Right now. And since life happening is what got you to this point, this now, you’d be a smart cookie to pay attention so you can shape your next now. Bring all of yourself to the moment: your energy, your thoughts, your intention. Show up fully present and engaged. If there’s an experience happening, you can bet a choice is soon to follow, so be conscious in the experience. Note my emphasis on conscious. Conscious choosing means you are fully aware and making the best choice you can. You are mindful.

Some people never see that they have options or they make choices every day that they aren’t aware of: unconscious choosing. Wake up on time or roll over and be late. Meet your buddy at the gym or pull a no-show. Eat right or wolf a doughnut. Keep reading the newspaper while your kid is talking to you. Stay in a damaging relationship because it’s easier than summoning the guts to leave.

Video   The secrets to happiness Dec. 9: What are the secrets to happiness? We ask the experts, from authors to doctors to Elmo. Today show

These are the people who think that life “happens to” them. They don’t associate the choices they’ve made with the results that show up in their lives. If you are an unconscious chooser, you probably don’t know you’re doing it. This is what is known as a blind spot — something you do that you aren’t aware of. It is being clueless about the joy opportunities around you. So you have to look for clues that alert you to make changes. These clues show up as problems, blame, feeling like a victim — all stuff that sucks. What doesn’t suck is that you can make internal changes to your “chooser” that will positively affect your external world. Your choice affects the outcome you get. Once you become aware of the options presented to you, you can connect your choices to your life circumstances, and then you will experience the awesome power of choosing. You’ll know that you control your weight, your mood, and your actions by your choices. And when crazy things happen that you can’t control (tornadoes, flight delays, premature babies), you can choose to respond in a way that makes those situations a little easier to deal with. You always have a choice.

Let’s revisit those earlier examples that reeked of “I had no choice”: You obviously weren’t there when I had to listen to my friend gripe for an hour about her blind date or when my boss made me stay late and I missed front-row seats for the play-offs. Time out! You always have choices; you just have to learn how to see them. And you can’t confuse having a choice with liking the choices available to you. You could choose to tell your friend that you only have 10 minutes to listen. You could choose to ask your boss if you could come in early the next morning instead.

Want to see more options?

• Think of a role model — someone who’s really good at choosing. What would he or she do? What would the court jester do?
• Think “and” not “or.” Some people think choosing means picking between two things, this or that, when in fact choosing can be from among many things, such as x and y and z.
• Force yourself to write out at least two options that you have. It may feel like slim pickings, but they’re actually the first two on a list of endless possibilities.

How to make choices: The skills
People who are unaccustomed to choosing often feel they have no choice because they don’t like what the act of choosing requires: inconvenience, clarity, discipline, willingness to risk something new, courage. But those near-term hurdles are what let you win the long-term race. It’s worth being inconvenienced if you have a lighter conscience. It’s worth being gutsy if your choice lets you sleep at night. It’s worth being a little more disciplined if it lets you feel your strength and inner power. It’s worth sticking your neck out because that is how you get a life that doesn’t suck.

Tips to consider

• Base your choice on reality — how things are now.
• Be crystal clear about your desired outcome.
• Break it down into bits.
• Seek the input of people you respect.
• Balance messages from your heart and head.
• Consider all options, then narrow them down.
• Set a deadline for making your decision.

Traps in decision-making

• Unaware of your biases or filters
• Over/underestimate input from others
• Too analytical
• Too emotional
• Ignore your gut feelings
• Not clear about your desired outcome
• Too many or too few alternatives
• Frozen
• Distracted

Part two: The 10 life-changing Ahas

Some questions to ask yourself when you are choosing
Here’s an example of making a difficult choice: Rebecca had been dating Jim exclusively for several years. She loved him dearly, and they were very good to each other, yet she had the feeling that the relationship had stalled over the last year or two. It just seemed like it wasn’t offering growth and actualization to either of them. How could she address this proactively, yet not just end a relationship that still felt good? She ran through these questions to help her choose.

How soon does a decision need to be made? Well, it’s not urgent, but it is important. In order to honor our relationship, I need to have a conversation with Jim about this in the next

Slideshow   Home sweet home Top photographers capture the diverse rituals and experiences of U.S. life in the new book, “America at Home”. more photos

90 days — if only just to talk about what’s on my mind.

What, exactly, is my desired outcome? I would love to hear how Jim feels. I want to be honest with him about how I feel. I don’t want to hurt him.

Do I have enough info? I do. The only way I would get more information is by talking to Jim directly.

Can I consider/brainstorm a variety of options? Now this is an interesting question. I guess I only see two options: Take action to revitalize our relationship or end our relationship. It’s not really an option to keep it as it is. But wait. Maybe we could do something kind of crazy, like redefine our relationship. Maybe we could still see each other but also date other people. Or take 30 days “off” to see what we miss about each other. Or maybe Jim has some other ideas.

Can I take the steps to really do it, once I decide? Holy crap, it makes me really nervous to bring this up with Jim. What if he gets fed up and breaks up with me? What if my choice is to break up with him? God, am I really ready to do that? It’s not like our relationship is bad.

Can I live with the consequences? You know what? I’ve already decided that something needs to change, and just because I don’t have the exact answer doesn’t mean I shouldn’t talk about it with Jim. I trust him. We’ve had a great relationship based on candor and being kind to each other. Why should this be any different? If I feel something has to change, then my decision is made and, yes, I can live with the consequences. I guess it’s time for us to have a serious talk.

MORE FROM

Over 50? Simple secrets to grow younger

Over 50? Simple secrets to grow younger How one mom learned to translate baby cries Quiz: Test your smarts about children’s health ‘Stand by Her’: A breast cancer guide for men Cesar Millan: How to help your pup learn Mom's guide to a happy work-home balance The birds and bees: Talking sex with your child One mother’s battle to save her son from OCD The worst meals for kids ‘Josie’s Story’ turns grief to patient-safety fight   Add headlines to your news reader: