Does life suck? Go from crappy to happy

In her new book, “Get a Life That Doesn't Suck,” consultant and life coach Michelle DeAngelis serves up a combination of street-smart wisdom and cheerful irreverence as she shares how to enjoy life regardless of the roadblocks or potholes along the way. DeAngelis shows that joy is a repeatable by-product of living one's life in integrity and of making conscious choices every day that kick misery, worry and guilt to the curb. She explains how most people are not naturally equipped to deal with life's challenges and then introduces foundational tools and effective techniques to take readers from crappy to happy. In this excerpt, she writes about how you can take control of your choices.

Aha #1: Choose
There once was a court jester who was known throughout the kingdom as a very smart, clever, and funny man. He had a knack for choosing the right jokes at the right time and was one of the only people who could make the king laugh. One day, however, the jester went too far and insulted the king in such a way that the joke was deemed to have treasonous intent and was therefore punishable by death. The king, feeling compassion for the jester, told him that he could choose the way he would die. Many people, without thinking, would have chosen a quick and painless death. The jester, however, had been practicing making choices his entire life. He paused to think for a moment and then replied, “I choose death by old age.”

You always have a choice.

Ha! You gotta be kiddin’ me. Always have a choice? You obviously weren’t there when I had to listen to my friend gripe for an hour about her blind date or when my boss made me stay late and I missed front-row seats for the play-offs. These are classic examples of how some people are really bad at choosing. They haven’t been taught how to do it.

Why aren’t we given the big picture and the tools to understand that the life we create is a series of choices — profound and mundane? Is it because the thought of every choice being so weighty and influential paralyzes us? Is it that the moment outweighs the future? Is it that we just don’t know ourselves well enough to even grasp the importance of those choices? Teenagers are one thing, but 30- or 40-year-olds are another. Don’t you think we’ve had enough life experience by now to have some of the basics figured out? Why don’t we have the tools, the perspective, the wisdom? As I sit here, I realize that I just kind of “did” my biggest life choice moments. I mean, I carefully considered them, evaluated alternatives, and then “just did” what seemed like the best choice at the time.

There seem to be three camps when it comes to not choosing. The first set of campers believes that life just “happens,” seemingly without any choices (“It’s not my fault”). The people in this camp need awareness and education. They are unaware that choices exist and need to learn how to see their choices. The second camp can see their choices, but they are afraid or reluctant to make them (“Something bad might happen”). They need skills. Finally, there are those who can see their choices but think they all suck, so they don’t consider them real choices. These people need a spanking.

Back in 1989 when I was still enmeshed in corporate America, I faced what seemed to be a somewhat desperate situation and had to make some good choices fast. I was leaving for the (then) Soviet Union later in the evening, and, as I was taking care of last-minute details in my office, I found out that I had to rewrite my division’s budget — cutting 15 percent off the total. The deadline was 3 days away, but my flight was leaving in 12 hours and I still had to pack; leave notes for the housekeeper, pet sitter, and gardener; and call my parents.

First, I cussed. Then I cried. How could I run my division with a randomly chopped-up multimillion-dollar budget? And then I turned that question into, “How can I accomplish this task in a way that won’t hurt my division and still make my flight tonight?” Bingo! I sat at my desk, wiped my eyes, and took 15 percent off of every line item. It might be hell to live with later (15 percent pay cut, anyone?), but I was willing to take that risk. Then I smiled serenely and left. Early! I had a choice and I made it.

Why choosing is important
Your life is defined by the decisions you make. Choosing one thing over another, or over four others, shapes what happens next. And what happens next is your Life, with a capital L. (Hey, no pressure. I guess that explains why some people avoid choosing.) This can be a small “chocolate or vanilla” choice that changes your moment, or it can be a big “take that job in Portugal or stay here” choice that changes your life. And some of those seemingly small choices can end up being life-changing.

If there were choices you could make that would make life better, wouldn’t you make them? It sure seems so, but that’s not what most people do. And that really sucks because choosing is what allows you to live the life you want to live, not only in the big decisions, but in every moment of every day. Consciously choosing puts you in charge of your life. It effectively transforms you from a victim into a victor because you are actively deciding what you will do and how you will do it. If you choose, you are not kicking and screaming while other people run your life, and you are not stagnating in a puddle of indecision.

Contrary to popular myth, you can and do choose how you feel. You may not realize that you’re choosing, though, because over time your emotional “choices” have become a function of automatic pilot. For instance, when someone says something that seems like an insult, your “I’m upset” emotion gets triggered. But you can turn off that autopilot function and consciously “choose” how you want to feel: neutral, understanding, or perhaps even compassionate.

That doesn’t mean you won’t experience sadness — you will — or that life will be perfect — it won’t. Learning how to choose just means you’ll have the tools and the emotional wherewithal to deal with life in the best possible way.

Why people don't choose
Some people love to choose (Cool! I get to pick!), and others dread it (Bummer. I have to decide.). If you love the self-determination and power of making choices, choosing is a breeze. You feel secure in choosing, and you trust yourself to make the right choices. But if the prospect of making a choice creates anxiety, indecision, or conflict, you need to learn the skills that can help you work through those things. You need to get into making decisions. Choosing can be scary. Not choosing can be scarier.

• There are all kinds of reasons people don’t choose.
• They’re afraid. I’m scared she’ll get mad.
• It hurts. Don’t make me deal with all that stuff. What a pain.
• It’s too much work. Yech, I hate the pressure.
• They want to be liked. They’ll think I’m a bitch.
• They don’t see any options. I had no choice.
• The options they see are not acceptable to them. No way in hell.
• They don’t want the responsibility. There was nothing I could do.

First Person Giving thanks '08 TODAY viewers' share photos and words about what they're thankful for this holiday season.

And what if your choice bombs? What if you hate it and feel like a big goober, or lose a bunch of money, or get fired for your choice? What if somebody stands up at the next office meeting and sarcastically asks, “Who was the Einstein who made that decision?” You own it, and you stay awake. You’re about to get smarter if you just pay attention and don’t block the learning with anger, a third glass of wine, or tuning out in front of the TV. Sit with the discomfort and digest your lesson du jour. If you do it right, you’ll only have to eat that meal once. Your mission is to get out of avoidance and fear and know that you can learn to make choices with confidence. You are building your “choice muscles.” You can say no to dessert. You can say yes to getting up early. You can do whatever you choose.

And hey, if you don’t like the results of making one choice, you can always choose something else.

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