How to talk to an unemployed friend

“The main challenge in this situation is that most of us project onto the laid-off person how we’d feel if we were laid off,” says Karen Romine, a psychotherapist in Santa Monica, Calif. “In most cases, this means we see them as a helpless victim who's in real trouble. The truth is, while it's a setback, it's not nearly as bad as we tend to think.”

The ‘survivor syndrome’
What may be at play in this situation is something called the “survivor syndrome,” says Holly G. Green, owner of management consulting firm The Human Factor. Sometimes people who still have jobs feel guilty and also worry that they could be next, she says. Those feelings could negatively impact your relationships with unemployed friends.

Suddenly you’re just two sad sacks wallowing in bad vibes, and that helps no one.

But, Green adds, don’t go overboard raving about how great your life is when you meet up with a friend at a Christmas party and discover he or she has lost their job.

You can share the fact that you’re going on a vacation or just got a promotion, she says, but also acknowledge what they’re going through. “Say ‘I’m sorry.’ Offer them support, and be specific.”

If your laid-off friend likes to communicate on a social networking site, it's OK to use that technology. Although some believe the phone is preferable, e-mail also is acceptable. Understand that your friend might have a lot going on, so don’t take it personally if he or she doesn’t respond right away.

You should also set helping limits.

“Don’t be an ATM,” warns career expert Nicole Williams, author of “Earn What You’re Worth.”

“You should also never give them money hoping, and maybe even secretly expecting, that you’ll be paid back. This may never happen,” she says. “Assume that anything you help them with, from buying them a beer to a small sack of groceries, is a gift. But don’t worry — the karma gods will reward you someday.”

And never, ever ask them if they found a job yet.

“I'd say, ‘Let's talk about something else. Anything else,’ ” pleads out-of-work Schuett.

“Friends and family have a brilliant opportunity to offer their job seeker a haven away from the nagging concern,” she adds. “Let us know we're still valued for something else.”

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