Not shaken or stirred: My Bond deflowering

B. Car chases have been ruined by cable news
You don’t need to see a Bond film to know that the cars are characters themselves; I just didn’t realize how much time was spent on car chases. And sure, I might be jaded by working in a place where car chases are treated with the importance of lunar landings, but given that chase scenes take up so much screen time, if you aren’t into them — and the inherent gadgetry that goes along — you’re going to spend a lot of time doing what I did: asking my co-workers to remind again what I was supposed to like about this stuff.

C. I feel no more culturally informed than I did a week ago
Will Femia, a senior writer for msnbc.com was present for my Bond deflowering and after witnessing countless heavy sighs, snarky comments and plenty of eye rolling, he asked, “Don’t you at least understand ‘Austin Powers’ a little better?” The answer is no. I mean, I get what he was driving at, but thousands, if not millions of Austin Powers fans have enjoyed the series for what it is without a deep understanding of any Bond subtext. I feel like I should feel changed somehow, and I just don’t.

All that said, there are reasons to respect the Bond franchise. First, it’s a money maker in a time when the entertainment industry — and the economy as a whole — could really use it. The first 21 Bond films have grossed more than $11 billion; “Quantum of Solace” is on track to make $150 million in its first week of international release. That commands some level of respect.

And there’s also this: nostalgia. One friend of mine, one I expect to respond to my queries with sarcasm instead was thoughtful about his Bond exposure over the years. He recounted evenings spent watching Bond with his dad, and thoughtfully explored why he liked it despite its inherent flaws. “Roger Moore was my first Bond ... just a generational thing. It wasn’t till later that I learned there was more to Bond than quips. I just grew to love it more ... or Moore?” I’m not going to take that kind of trip down memory lane away from anyone.

So what now? I know this for sure: If I go back to the Bond well, I’m not dipping from the Bond era of the mid-90s, which I’ve learned is basically considered the emasculation and watering down of James Bond into a politically correct iteration of the spymaster, when they stripped everything controversial away and left nothing but puns — and Dame Judi Dench — behind. As one friend put it, “The new Bond is back to being a cold-blooded, womanizing cat and men are all over it again. You watch Daniel Craig and you know that guy could kill people. He is just the man.”

I might not be all over it, but hey, who doesn’t deserve a second date?

Courtney Hazlett delivers The Scoop Monday through Friday on msnbc.com.

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