Parents of teens weigh in on safe haven law

Little support for parents of teens
While sympathy runs high for a parent dealing with a colicky infant, a towering teen screaming at a parent in a public place is more apt to bring on annoying glares over soothing condolences from onlookers.

"Parents are almost always blamed," said Dr. Norman Hoffman, a family therapist in Ormond Beach, Fla., and author of the book "Bad Children Can Happen to Good Parents."

"It's like, `What did I do wrong?' But there's hope in every city and every state. It's just a matter of understanding the ways in which to work with the system. You have to fight, you have to scream and shout for services."

Stressed-out parents with meager finances, little education or language barriers may have trouble navigating often complicated procedures and paperwork to seek help, either through government agencies or private organizations, Hoffman said. And shame may hold some of them back, allowing defiant, drug-using or otherwise troubled young people to spin out of control.

Yet Hoffman considers the notion of abandoning an older child under safe haven "barbaric" and "primitive" when free or low-cost treatment and intervention is available. Parents in a variety of life circumstances agreed.

Doris Montano, 40, is a single parent working three jobs to support herself and her 15-year-old daughter in Baldwin, N.Y. Her divorce after 13 years of marriage was finalized two years ago and was rough on her child.

"I get a lot of mouth. A lot of temper tantrums when she doesn't get her way," Montano said. "It's designer everything, the trends. She's a little prima donna. But no matter how angry she makes me I can't see life without her. She and I were meant to be together."

At 43, Robert Blodgett owns his own marketing and public relations firm in the San Diego, Calif., area. He calls himself a "father in the trenches" with a 14-year-old son and three younger boys.

"Sure, there are times where I'm just completely exasperated on how to communicate with my son," he said. "Sometimes I wonder, `Who's home?' His room's always a mess. He forgets things constantly. Many times he's flat out lazy and can never, ever wake up on his own. It drives me bonkers. But I can't ever imagine a situation wherein my stress level would get that bad."

It's up to the Nebraska Legislature to decide how to deal with the state's safe haven controversy during a special session the governor scheduled for Nov. 14. Speaker of the Legislature Mike Flood said he'll introduce a bill setting a 3-day-old age limit for child abandonments.

Lorenz, Londergan, Blodgett and other parents hope the loophole that led to the dumping of older kids is closed.

"It's a tightrope that we walk for 18 years," Lorenz said. "Click your heels and say hallelujah because your struggles are going to make your children more capable and more interesting."

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