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Stay connected to each other
You love your partner, and you find him sexually attractive. But when you both get caught up in your jobs, domestic chores, routines, children, and hobbies, you can often forget to give attention to your most important connection — the one you have with your lover.
Don’t become invisible to each other. Smile and be glad to see each other. Ask relevant questions about each other’s day. Think before you, or he, starts ranting about work, grumbling about the babysitter, or worrying about the bills. If it is not that important, leave it unsaid. Don’t waste your time on negative trivialities.
You can maintain your emotional connection by keeping your exchanges light and flirtatious. This will make it easier to feed your sexual connection—it is hard to turn on your sexual excitement when you spend the evening arguing about domestic trivia. Eat dinner together and try to go to bed at the same time as your partner. Even if you don’t have sex, you can spoon or cuddle before you sleep. Alternatively, if you both enjoy morning sex, set the alarm 20 minutes earlier and indulge in a quickie before you get up.
Intimacy and romance
Everybody has a desire for intimacy. Add some romance, conventional or otherwise, and your relationship becomes exciting and exclusive. We want the whole package from our loving relationships — affection, hand-holding, cuddles, sharing, lovemaking, and flowers. Though the image of a couple strolling off into the sunset is a cliché, this is what we long for. And believe it or not, it is achievable — you can build a relationship in which intimacy and passion abound, years after the first date.
Romance is an attitude 
You don’t have to wait for your lover to turn up with a bunch of flowers in order to enjoy an intimate moment. Romance is not a single event, but an ongoing attitude. When sitting in the car, reach over and touch his thigh. Leave him a love note on the fridge door. Post a sexy promise on his pillow. Call him at work and tell him you’re thinking of him. These small things add up to something much bigger.
Preserve a little mystery
It might go against popular opinion, but there is no reason to share everything with your lover. He doesn’t need to know that you plan to shave your legs tonight, or every sordid detail of your year abroad. He may be your soul mate and you may have the burning desire to reveal all your secrets, but a little mystery will keep things interesting. Men are usually not so inclined to share — don’t demand every single last detail of his life, but do let him surprise you with the occasional new story.
Create your own moments
If your man prefers a Saturday night in front of the TV to a candlelit dinner for two at a restaurant, there is no reason why the occasion can’t be romantic. Don’t spend hours cooking, just order in or enjoy a gourmet takeout. Dim the lights, snuggle up on the sofa, and enjoy the intimacy. Don’t let the dishes, the phone, the children, the laundry, or mundane thoughts about work interrupt your time together. Make sure you don’t let the TV stop you from showing him some thigh and kissing his neck, and seize the opportunity to seduce him during the commercial break.
Use your sense of humor
Make your relationship a haven for laughter, silliness, and fun. Whether it is the private nickname you call him, his shower songs, or your special jokes during sex, intimacy is created through these little secrets. Allow room for humor, even during arguments. Have a safe word you can rely on when a disagreement becomes heated — perhaps a reference to your favorite movie or a past joke he made — and agree to use it to defuse the situation. Jokes can’t solve arguments, but every once in a while they can prevent a silly argument from getting any bigger.
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Make disagreements work for you 
Nov. 10: TODAY’s Amy Robach talks to psychotherapist Laura Berman about keeping the fire going in your relationship.
Accept that even if you and your partner have almost everything in common, you are never going to agree on every single topic. Luckily, these differences of opinion don’t have to get ugly — and sometimes they can even help you create extra passion. Use the heat generated from your political debates to spice up your relationship.
A little verbal sparring can be very sexy, especially if you are secretly fantasizing about tearing the other person’s clothes off. Your different beliefs can create excitement in the bedroom. Your relationship can continue to be fun, intimate, and romantic — with the proper nurturing, it should be the most fulfilling and meaningful part of your life.
Reap the benefits of intimacy
The most beautiful part of being in a relationship is knowing that you are not alone — that no matter what else happens in the world, you have someone to count on to make you laugh, wipe away your tears, and pick you up when you are down. You and your partner can take turns at being the support system — when you have health or family concerns, you know you have someone to worry with you and to offer practical help. Take turns caring for each other, whatever happens.
Loving rituals
Sexual and emotional routines are a simple way to create intimacy in your relationship. Nonsexual rituals such as Tuesday-night tacos, Friday-night movies, or breakfast in bed on Sunday can help to create intimate bonds between you. You should both look forward to these rituals, and enjoy them. You can also create sexual rituals — you may already have a few, such as cuddling after orgasm.
Reprinted by arrangement with DK Publishing from “Real Sex for Real Women.” Copyright © 2008 by DK Publishing. Text © 2008 by Laura Berman, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
Dr. Laura Berman is the director of the Berman Center in Chicago, a specialized health care facility dedicated to helping women and couples find fulfilling sex lives and enriched relationships. She is also an assistant clinical professor of OB-GYN and psychiatry at the Feinberg School of Medicine at Northwestern University. She has been working as a sex educator, researcher and therapist for 18 years.
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