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The caterpillar: Late elementary through middle school
I think of elementary and middle school as the caterpillar years. When the caterpillar larva is developing, it goes through four or five periods known as “instars.” Every time it prepares to go into the next instar phase, it must shed its skin so that it may expand and grow. With each instar, the larva moves further and further from its place of origin in search of more food. Eventually, it begins the prepupal stage in preparation for the creation of the chrysalis. The caterpillar continues to wander until it finds exactly the right location to begin its metamorphosis.
School-age children, particularly those in middle school, need opportunities to shed their skin and find a safe place to begin establishing their identity. This is why young adolescents begin experimenting with their hair, clothing, language, and other forms of self-expression. They are discovering who they are and what they believe. They are learning to associate with others with whom they can identify and will even alter their own appearance to fit in with their crowd. This is how they stay safe emotionally. Similarly, caterpillars try to find a place to blend in with the environment to keep predators at bay as they are making the change into creatures capable of flight.
Parents must help their young caterpillars through what can be a very painful process, allowing their children to make mistakes and grow along the way. The following are some suggestions:
Allow your child latitude with fashion and hair when possible. Learn his school’s dress code, and establish standards of modesty within your own family. Outside of these rules and standards, allow your child to create his own identity through fashion. Don’t get too hung up on hair and clothing. Hair grows back. Be stricter about things that will cause permanent changes to your child’s body, such as tattoos or piercings. Anything short of that, within reason, can be healthy for your child to experience.
Establish places where your child can develop independent mobility. For example, are there any stores or other public places where your child can ride his bicycle from your home? Help him set up excursions with his friends that don’t require parental supervision. Teach him to stay in groups, as abductions are not likely when there are several kids together, and not to accept any rides or items from strangers. Equip him with a phone so he can call you when he gets to his destination and when he is on his way home.
Encourage your child to take risks by requiring her to participate in a limited number of scheduled activities. You don’t want to overschedule her (more about that in a later chapter). Have her try one new thing in sports and the arts each year so she can find a place to fit in and take risks. Ensuring participation in sports and the arts will help her explore lots of different things. Be sure she understands that she needs to commit to each activity she chooses, and require that she finish it. By doing so, you will be teaching your child the value of trying new things and providing her with built-in adversity that she must overcome.
Face a new fear with your child. Go on a scary roller coaster, or learn something new that you may have thought was risky before. Talk to your child about fear, and experience the joy in overcoming it together.
Seek out a new adventure with your entire family. Try camping, scuba diving, rock climbing, or anything that would be completely out of the realm of your past experiences. Let your child watch you take risks and rise above adversity.
Enroll your child in babysitting classes where he can learn first aid and CPR. These are offered through the Red Cross, the YMCA, and other community groups. Such classes help young people develop the confidence they need to take care of others who are younger and will help you feel more comfortable leaving your child home alone.
Find ways for your child to have outdoor interaction with peers after school. You might be able to trade off days with neighbors to be home at that time. The middle school years are the most important time for you to be there when your child gets home from school. Ideally, a preteen should be able to move around the neighborhood with friends and bop in and out of the house for refreshments, to tell you a story, and so on. If you can’t be there yourself, consider getting a neighbor to help or even hiring someone for this purpose. A college student who can function as more of a big-brother figure than a babysitter works well.
Above all, never let your child give up anything just because it gets tough. Be very careful not to instill your fears into your child throughout this process. Yes, she will probably fail from time to time. She may become embarrassed or stressed or nervous or upset. But don’t let her quit. A child who learns to finish things will learn tenacity and commitment. She will learn to get things done in school, on the job, and in life, regardless of the obstacles that are put in her way.
Excerpted from "Drive: 9 Ways to Motivate Your Kids to Achieve" by Janine Walker Caffrey. Copyright (c) 2008, reprinted with permission from Perseus Books Group.
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