Dumb dumb dumb dumb: TV's stupidest shows

The dumb that falls in mud and comes up smelling like roses: If you watch “The Hills,” you know that what makes the show feel magical is that no matter how ridiculous the behavior of the principals, nothing bad ever really happens to them. Push them down, they get up. Mire them in scandal; they start a clothing line. Unlike competitive reality shows that live on the joys of schadenfreude by teasing the comeuppance of villains, “The Hills” gets its punch from the absolute confidence that no one will get what’s coming to her. Lauren and Whitney burn a borrowed designer dress with a curling iron, and — poof! — they get another. Heidi abandons her job during a business trip to go home with Spencer, and — poof! — all is forgiven. It’s one thing to display stupidity; it’s another thing to shamelessly glamorize it as something that has no consequences.

Also in this category: “My Super Sweet 16,” also from MTV, which shows that you can abuse your parents, harangue your friends, demand holograms as invitations and a Jay-Z/Amy Winehouse duet as the entertainment, and you can still get a BMW at the end of your birthday party. See also: “Bridezillas,” which often feels like “My Super Sweet Wedding Day.”

The dumb that makes the show: “Survivor” is not a dumb show. But it does rely on people doing two fundamentally dumb things to keep the plot moving. If neither of those two dumb things happened, there would be no show.

First, it counts on people to forget that other people also are attempting to win. This is how you get alliances that make no sense, decisions to “trust” that someone else will put your interests above his own, and the repeated exposure of soft underbellies. Second, it counts on its contestants to take everything far too much to heart, personalizing what should be no more emotional than a long poker game.

But it needs all this stupidity. Without regular freak-outs about betrayal and loyalty, “Survivor” would just be a lot of people walking around in dirty bathing suits and periodically running through obstacle courses.

The dumb that hides behind serious drama: There’s a good argument to be made that the dumbest fictional characters on television are on “Grey’s Anatomy.”

Scott Garfield / ABC Do not let these "Grey's Anatomy" doctors care for you. They will let you bleed out while arguing or flirting.

Sure, most of them are doctors, some of them are renowned doctors, and just about all of them have had a chance to save lives.

Nevertheless, the way they conduct their personal lives suggests that, if one of them accidentally put her head up the sleeve of her shirt, she could not find her way out and would have to wear it around for all eternity, asking for help and then bumping into the furniture. Cheating on your spouse? Great idea! Casual affairs with people you work with? Why not! Restarting your failed relationship for the seventh time on the theory that this time will be different? Of course!

Linda Holmes is a writer in Washington. D.C.

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