How to restore your ‘sexual confidence’

Of course, the sexual revolution of the 1960s and seventies taught us that sex was simply about feeling good. “If it feels good, do it!” the bumper stickers read. So many of us did it, and it felt good for a while, but the good feelings didn’t last. Younger women are beginning to echo the same sentiment. Many Generation Xers and Yers have found that “hooking up” and having “friends with benefits” hasn’t prepared them for a lifetime of marital bliss as much as a lifetime of marital stress. Could all of these sexual freedoms that women now enjoy actually be stunting our growth into mature, sexually confident women? I believe so. We’ve become so confused about the real purpose of sexuality that we’re wandering way off track rather than pursuing genuine intimacy and relational fulfillment. For example,

Today we have sex toys and vibrators of every size, shape, and color, but do we understand that sex isn’t just a game we play to achieve orgasm? Do we understand our most basic needs as sexual beings? Do we know how to get those needs met? We have female condoms, morning-after pills, and all sorts of birth control options, but do we have control over our own sexual identity? Do we know what we really want in order to feel intimately connected to another human being?We have pornography at the click of a mouse, steamy love stories on HBO, and wild romance novels on our bookshelves, but are we passionate about our own marriage relationship? Do we know how to keep the home fires burning?

If you aren’t sure how to answer these questions, perhaps you need to get on the right track toward sexual fulfillment and discover (or rediscover) the three purposes (or three Ps) of sexuality:

1. Procreation

2. Pleasure

3. Pair- bonding.

The three Ps of purposeful sexuality
Most of us are well aware of the procreation aspect. Those beautiful babies women give birth to? They are created through the act of sex. Hopefully that’s no news flash to you, so we won’t spend much time on this aspect. The upside of using sex for procreation is that we are able to produce sweet little bundles of joy that closely resemble two unique gene pools and are a constant reminder of our blissful (or once blissful) marital union. Children give us great cause for celebration, and more Kodak moments than we could ever completely capture in the thickest of Creative Memories scrapbooks. The downside, however, is that it can take only one sexual encounter to produce a child. If procreation is the only reason a wife engages in sex, she’s going to have one sex-starved relationship.

Which leads us to the next purpose of sexual intimacy: to provide pleasure. Hopefully you’ve experienced it — that erotic feeling of abandoning all inhibitions and just going with the sexual flow. That supernatural, euphoric feeling of slowly ascending to the highest peak of physical pleasure. That wave of complete satisfaction that suddenly washes over you — a wave that is absolutely impossible to verbalize, regardless of how creative your vocabulary may be. And the overwhelming joy of witnessing your partner’s eyes roll back in his head and the guttural sounds emitting from his mouth, indicating that he’s going over the top, and it’s you who is ushering him there. Of all the physical pleasures known to man and woman, none compares with sexual arousal and climax.

However, I believe there is something that sexual intimacy can provide that is even more precious and coveted by women than pretty babies and great orgasms. What might that be? Listen as these women try to explain their deepest desire.

• “My husband wants to look at my body, but what I really want him to see is me. Behind these big breasts is a heart yearning for a spiritual connection.”
• “I don’t care about intercourse. I care about intimacy. If I had to choose between a roll in the sheets or a stroll in the park, I’d pick the park every time.”
• “I don’t want an all-night sexual marathon, just one hour of his attention and affection.”

I’m tempted to send these comments to spammers that send out stupid e-mails like Take Viagra — she’ll love you for it! … Ejaculate like a porn star! … Add three inches overnight! … Fill her mouth completely! Doesn’t anyone get it? A woman isn’t as interested in having her tonsils tickled as having her soul touched. Her innermost need is for an emotional and spiritual bond with another human being — a need called “ pair- bonding,” which is actually the third purpose of sexuality. Every healthy woman longs to feel intimately connected — mind, body, heart, and soul — with her mate.

Video   The sexually confident wife Oct. 3: Author Shannon Ethridge sheds some light on sex myths and explains how women can better connect with their husbands. Today show

But for all those women who want the emotional connection instead of the physical connection, I have a revolutionary news flash: There is scientific evidence that proves you’d be spinning your wheels to try to get one without the other.

Creating sexual balance
The secret to having the marriage of your dreams is understanding the need for “sexual balance” in the relationship. To help you understand this concept, let’s look at what I call the Seesaw of Sexuality. Our sexuality has four unique components: the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.

Keeping these components of our sexual relationship in balance is an art form and the goal of the sexually confident wife. If things get out of balance one way or another, either the husband or the wife can feel cheated and used. She can feel like nothing more than a piece of meat because he’s getting his physical needs met while she starves emotionally. Or he feels like her little lapdog: she’s getting lots of his time and attention, but he gets nothing more than a pat on the head to meet his physical needs.

A sexually confident wife not only will be able to maintain a balance between his needs and her needs, but will also recognize how they all work together to create synergy in the relationship. It’s no longer about keeping score or who’s getting his or her own way. It’s about how the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual are all combining to form a magical elixir that keeps them both intoxicated with passion for each other.

Understanding our sexual layers
When it comes to marital intimacy for a woman, these four components of sexuality can best be prioritized by visualizing them as multiple layers found beneath the earth’s surface, with the physical dimension being the most superficial and the spiritual dimension being the deepest, most fulfilling level of connection.

Again, for a woman, the most superficial of sexual connections is the physical. Don’t get me wrong. Sex feels great. But anyone can touch our bodies, and many men seem eager to do so. A mental connection is somewhat more fulfilling, as he sparks our imagination and stimulates us intellectually with deep conversations. An emotional connection is even better, as our heart is stirred and drawn in his direction because of his obvious care and compassion for us. But a spiritual connection is the ultimate sexual experience!

When our husband takes the time to look past the externals of what we look like, to look beyond what we can do for him, and to recognize who we are as a beautiful person created in the image of God, that is when we feel valued and cherished. The same is true in how a wife looks at a husband. He wants you to think he’s eye candy and he wants you to appreciate all that he does for you, but his greatest desire is for you to respect who he is in the core of his being. This type of pair- bond, coupled with a deep spiritual connection with the Creator of masculinity, femininity, and sexuality, creates indescribable euphoria in the depth of our soul. Even better than a mind- blowing orgasm is a mind- boggling soul-to-soul connection with another human being (which, serendipitously, most often leads to the best mind-blowing orgasms!). When we experience this kind of deep spiritual connection over and over within marriage, it fulfills us in a way that nothing and no one else possibly can.

However, just as we can’t get to the innermost layers of the earth without going through the surface, we can’t get to the innermost emotional and spiritual layers of our sexuality without first going through the physical and mental. In fact, there’s scientific evidence that humans need physical touch to feel fully connected to another human being. I call this scientific evidence “the big O!” — standing not for orgasm (which we’ll talk more about in Chapter 4) but rather for oxytocin.

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