Skip navigation

Leap of faith: Marrying outside your religion

< Prev | 1 | 2
  How we worship
  Christianity
Brazilians get baptized in Israel, a megachurch opens in Houston, and devotees carry a cross in the Philippines.
  Islam
Whirling dervishes perform in Turkey, pilgrims gather in Mecca, and an elderly man is doused with holy water.
  Judaism
Jews pray at the Mount of Olives, matzoh is baked in Brooklyn, and thousands of rabbis pose for a group photo.
  Other religions
Japanese ascetics hang from a cliff, Shinto believers pray in ice water and a 60-foot statue takes a colorful bath.

Often considered one of the most flexible of the clergy, an interfaith minister can blend whatever religions you specify during the ceremony (mentioning God or other deities), or can keep the service religiously neutral. A Unitarian Universalist minister performs a nondenominational service without specific theological significance. If you want to get away from religious references altogether, opt for a judge or a civil servant who will provide a secular ceremony — usually in the person's chambers. Another nonreligious option worth considering is having an Ethical Culture Society leader perform your wedding. Known for their warm, humanistic approach, these officiants focus on a couple's values and sentiments rather than prayer and theistic references.

Going to the chapel?
So your usual house of worship isn't an option? Don't lose faith — there are plenty of romantic and inclusive locations that lend themselves to blended weddings. A few to consider include:

  • University chapels: On-campus houses of worship are usually open to all students, alumni, and members of the community. Most are nondenominational.

  • Unitarian Universalist chapels: Many of these sites allow interfaith ceremonies.

  • Quaker meeting houses: In these unadorned buildings without altars, civil and interfaith ceremonies are always welcome.

  • Hotels, wedding halls, botanical gardens: These are considered neutral sites, so anything goes.
Story continues below ↓
advertisement | your ad here

Looking down the road
When it comes to setting up a home, cultural traditions can be very important. “For example, a non-Jewish person who falls in love with a Jew who's not particularly religious might think she is marrying someone like her. But down the line, she may find that her partner's Jewish identity manifests itself in different ways,” says Rabbi Singer. Maybe he wants his baby boy to have a bris, a Jewish ritual circumcision ceremony; or perhaps the thought of having a Christmas tree in his house makes him cringe. Buddhists traditionally keep small shrines in their homes, which have a photo of their deity, plus food offerings and a lamp, explains Lama Pema Wangdak, a Tibetan Buddhist teacher at the Palden Sakya Center in New York City. “This cultural practice could be very uncomfortable for a nonpracticing partner,” she says.

Discuss:

Confronting all of these basic issues early on can save untold problems in the future. Egg or matzo hunt? Sunday school or Friday-night temple for the kids? “There are no easy answers,” says Rabbi Singer, “so you need to prepare to explain contradictions and inconsistencies to your children.” Some interfaith couples have their kids practice one religion; others try to integrate both. Occasionally, the choice is to avoid religion altogether. Whatever path you take, it's crucial to arrive at a mutually agreeable decision so that children don't get a mixed message.

Take comfort in knowing that your efforts to clarify things may actually benefit them in the long run, says Gayle Peterson, author of “Making Healthy Families” (askdrgayle.com): “Families who blend different faiths may be at an advantage in having to take a more conscious approach to religion than one-faith families do.” This is especially true when handling the holidays. While it's reasonable to join your in-laws for their religious celebrations, it's also a smart idea to start traditions of your own. “This is a necessary step new families must take to establish their own identity,” says Peterson. “Maybe that means combining the different holidays in one big celebration that is unique to your family. The important thing is that you learn to share the joyful occasions together.”

Sources of peace
These references offer additional advice and words of wisdom.

On the Web:

  • WeddingOfficiants.com: A nationwide service that provides names of available clergy of many faiths.

  • InterFaithFamily.com: An outreach organization and Internet magazine listing support groups, resources, and local affiliations for Jews marrying outside their faith.

  • The-Insight.com: Buddhism and Shintoism examined in an information-packed site with educational links to more than 25 other religions and spiritual practices.

  • Uua.org: A Unitarian Universalist Web site with listings of more than 1,000 liberal congregations in North America.

  • AmericanHumanist.org/index.html: Information on the humanist philosophy and local affiliates that practice it.

  • Cms.PsychologyToday.com/rms/prof_search.php: A listing of therapists within a 50-mile radius of your home.

In print:

  • “Love United: Romantic Interfaith Weddings —A Workbook for Couples Who Are Getting Married” by Rev. Bardet Wardell (Dynamic Peace Society, 2003)

  • “Interfaith Wedding Ceremonies: Samples and Sources” by Joan C. Hawxhurst (Dovetail Publishing, 1997)

  • “Celebrating Interfaith Marriages: Creating Your Jewish/Christian Ceremony” by Devon A. Lerner (Owl Books, 1999)
      

This article originally appeared in Brides magazine. For more wedding tips, please visit Brides.com.



< Prev | 1 | 2

  MORE FROM WEDDINGS  
  
Weddings Section Front
 
Add Weddings headlines to your news reader:
 

Sponsored links

Resource guide