HotmailSee the signs: How to know if he’s straying
How long did it take to get from meeting to cheating?
Hal spoke candidly to me about his infidelity. “Julie and I had been boyfriend and girlfriend in college so when she moved back into town we got together at first to talk of old times. That was my first mistake. It was strange to think that the woman I was cheating with knew me longer than my own wife. I don’t know why that meant so much to me, but it did. It still took me almost three years after her return before I cheated on my wife. So it must’ve been technically fifteen years that I knew her. ”
Here’s the good news. The reason I talk about listening for the name of the new woman at work or at the ball game is that you will likely have some time to work on your marriage before anything awful happens. As much as you may worry about the one-night stand, only 6 percent of the cheating men had sex with a woman after meeting her the same day or night. Twenty-seven percent had sex within one month of meeting this other woman, which sounds very quick but will still give you some warning. But 36 percent of the men waited more than a month and up to a year before having sex. All told, 69 percent of the men said they had sex within one year of meeting the woman. It’s scary to think how quickly things can deteriorate, but now that you’re educated in what you can do about preventing it and how you can be aware of it before the worst strikes, consider yourself empowered to take the lead and create a solid marriage.
Quick action program: Get involved in his work and play lives
Seventy-two percent of cheating men met the other woman either at work or through an activity of personal interest, so learn as much as you can about these two areas of your husband’s life. They represent major parts of who he is, and he puts enormous energy into both.
Become a part of that energy.
1. Get involved in his work.
- Have daily chats about what went on.
- Show genuine interest in details about his day. There’s an old saying, “If you want better answers, ask better questions.” Find out some details about his work (projects, deadlines) and also ask about office politics and gossip. This will help you know his surroundings at work and give you an emotional sense of it.
2. Get involved in his hobbies.
- Familiarize yourself with his interests so that he can converse with you about them. Otherwise he will keep all of that positive energy for others.
- Become a part of it. You don’t have to demand that he never watch another ball game, go jogging, or attend charitable organization meetings without you. But there is no reason why you wouldn’t want to play a more active role by being present more than you have been. Perhaps if you open yourself to his hobby, you will feed off his energy and you’ll have a collective interest that can only increase your friendship.
Today show
Why you want to know asap if your husband is cheating
Sept. 22: TODAY’s Amy Robach talks to M. Gary Neuman, author of “The Truth About Cheating,” about why some married men are unfaithful.
There is a severely complicated issue around lying that many people miss. Usually, as my research shows, there is lying and it continues for a period of time. It’s during this time that the ability to ever repair the relationship diminishes. Cheating is more than the cheating itself. It’s also about the lying. A man who tells his wife about the cheating without putting her through months of painstaking torturous confusion trying to figure out what’s going on is a man who has a better chance of repairing his relationship. For every lie that is avoided, there is a greater chance of success, because it is the lying that causes wives to feel as though they can never trust their husband again.
Just cheating is bad enough. But if a man finds himself lost and comes to his wife and says “I (or we) need help” after his wife has been lied to straight into her eyes, she has the unfortunate task of not only getting over the affair but also figuring out whether she and her husband can repair their marriage. She worries about whether she will trust that he won’t cheat again and lie over and over about it.
If a husband hasn’t lied to his wife and they’re able to work things out, she’ll be able to trust that if she ever asks him when she finds him pushing the marital boundaries in any way, he’ll be honest with her. Believe it or not, that can make all the difference in whether a wife will ever feel good about her marriage again.
Unfortunately, if your husband has cheated there’s a 93 percent chance he’s not going to tell you (and an 81 percent chance he won’t tell you even after you initially question him). If your idea is to keep badgering him about it until he cracks, guess what? Bad, bad idea. The longer you continue that process of feeling that something is going on and waiting for him to come clean while he continues to lie to you, the farther away you are from being able to repair your marriage.
If you feel he is cheating and he denies it, take action — check cell phone bills and e-mails, ask friends or relatives you can trust if they’ve heard anything suspicious, or hire a private investigator — for your sake and for the sake of your marriage.
Excerpted from "The Truth About Cheating" by M. Gary Neuman. Copyright (c) 2008. Reprinted with permission from John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
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