See the signs: How to know if he’s straying

He avoids contact with you
The next signal was “avoidance of contact (cell phone calls),” at 29 percent and dipping slightly to 24 percent once the infidelity began. The contact you have with your husband during the day, even if it is about the ordinary business of life, still helps you develop a general awareness of each other. His avoidance of your calls or desire not to spend time with you points to a desire to disconnect, whether he is conscious of it or not. Stay connected with little calls to say, “Hi, I love you” and “How is your day going?”

He criticizes you more
“More criticism of wife” scored 25 percent but dipped to 19 percent once the infidelity began.

Stephanie didn’t understand what was going on. “He used to love my cooking. My mother was Italian and he’d be proud of my ethnic dishes. All of a sudden, he was tired of my food and wanted me to ‘mix it up’ a bit. I was insulted but I tried other things and he seemed okay. But then he started on me for how I was spending the money. Ever since we were married I took care of the finances because I have an educational background in finance. Now he was questioning me and looking over my shoulder. Suddenly, he didn’t like the way I was putting away our savings, and we had a huge fight over all of the changes he demanded.” Six months later Stephanie discovered her husband was cheating and funneling money to help out his mistress.

He starts more fights with you
Twenty percent said they started more fights with their wives. Notice that criticizing their wives and starting more fights can be seen as very similar signals. Put them together and you have a large portion of men who were more harassing to their wives.

Video   Why do men cheat? Sept. 22: TODAY’s Amy Robach talks to M. Gary Neuman, author of “The Truth About Cheating,” about why some married men are unfaithful. Today show

Most cheating men spent more time away from home, avoided contact, and had less sex with their wives. These signals represented in changes in behaviors (and remember, they’re only significant if there are changes in these areas) seem to indicate that the warning signals will be about your husband disconnecting from you. When you feel your husband has changed into a person who is disconnected from you, it’s a sign of impending danger to your marriage.

Listen closely — he may tell you about the other woman
One final note is not something in my research, but a signal I’ve noticed many times in my work. Often, your husband will begin talking more and more about a woman, usually a colleague in the office or organizational board. He’ll tell you they had lunch or ran into each other somewhere else and that her family went to such and such a place for vacation and her kids loved it. Your husband thinks you guys should go there for your next vacation. Since he hasn’t had sex with her he’s not hiding the relationship with her. But as he becomes friendlier you need to remember that most cheating occurs with friends, not one-night stands just for sex. So your husband might be telling you about his potential mistress straight to your face. He may even want you to meet her. Beware of admiring comments and begin to consider what needs to happen in your marriage so that your husband seems as excited to hear your ideas as those of his newfound friend. How does this woman seem to make him feel?

Quick action program: Change the cheating signals
We’ve discovered from cheating men the signals they give when they’re getting ready to cheat. It’s in your interest to be well acquainted with them and to take action as soon as you recognize any of them. Ask yourself these five questions: if the answer is yes to any of them, consider what you can do to immediately change the circumstances.

1. Is my husband spending more time away from home?

• What can I do to make him want to spend more time at home? (This is not to say it’s all on you to fix the relationship. But you want to consider how the two of you can get along better at home so that it is a place he isn’t beginning to avoid. Also consider the calmness of the home. If it is hectic with the children, consider how to change that and ask him to take a role in it. )
• Discuss with him what he’d like to do along with you to make the home a happier place for both of you.

2. Are we having less sex?

• Consider initiating more often.
• Ask him for help with home duties so that both of you can create a calmer, happier atmosphere and have more energy for intimacy.
• Arrange for a night at a hotel without the children. Upon returning home, discuss how the two of you can add more lovemaking into your regular life.
• Consider what will add to your enjoyment of making love.

3. Is my husband avoiding my calls?

• Consider if you’re calling him about things that can be annoying for him to deal with during the day.
• Ask him to commit to weekly time when you can sit with each other and discuss important issues that need to be resolved together.
• Consider making calls just to remind him how much you love him and look forward to seeing him and making love.
• Request that he call you with similar messages to those you’ve sent him.

4. Has my husband been more critical of me or started more fights with me?

• Discuss with him how he can speak to you in such a way as to make suggestions without being critical.
• Talk to him about complimenting you and how both of you can focus more on each other’s positive traits.

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