Why are men unfaithful? Do they stray because of sex or is cheating a sign of a deeper problem in the marriage? Is there anything that can be done to ensure that your husband will stay faithful? In his new book, “The Truth About Cheating,” family counselor M. Gary Neuman shares the results of his extensive research on cheating husbands and faithful husbands. He reveals how to spot the signs of infidelity and what women can do to prevent it.

Chapter three
Warning bells, cheating signals and lying signs
You may have heard how to tell that a man is cheating, or maybe you can imagine what the signals might be. But I want to explore not only the signs that a husband is cheating, but also the signs that he is about to cheat. Here are the main clues you want to be acutely aware of.

Cheating signals
“I read a book that gave me tons of signals that a man was cheating, but it was frankly overwhelming. When I spoke to my sister and dearest friends we all decided that so many applied to all of us, we didn’t know what to believe.”

Robin was 47 and had two teenage daughters. Her husband was 53 and had recently bought a black convertible, started working out, ran his first marathon, and dyed his hair. Robin was convinced by the book she read that these were dead-on signals that her husband was cheating. But when she approached him he was emphatic that it was untrue. She didn’t know what to believe. After all, she figured men do hit midlife and do some interesting things. Was it possible that her husband had decided to be healthier and enjoy life a bit more as part of his midlife crisis without cheating at the same time?

My research asked men to detail the warning signs they thought they gave their wives that hinted or told them they were close to an infidelity. I then asked them for warning signs that they were involved in infidelity. Both lists were quite similar, with only a couple of differences.

He spends more time away from home
Fifty-five percent said more time spent away from home was a sign that they were close to infidelity, and it went up slightly to 61 percent when they were involved in infidelity. What’s quite fascinating is that the majority of the men started spending more time away from home before they cheated. This warning sign and the ones below indicate not only that your husband is cheating but are also a precursor to his cheating. If you can catch the signs in time you might avoid the pain of infidelity and be able to repair your relationship. It’s equally telling that during the affair 61 percent of the men spent more time away from home. Sometimes men will tell their wives to trust them because “I could cheat during my regular day if I wanted to.” Although it’s true that you can’t possibly keep tabs on your husband’s whereabouts during the workday, it still seems that cheating men find extra time to slip away from home, and not just during work hours.

When you start to notice that your husband is spending less time at home, watch out and find out what’s going on with him. It’s worth discussing and trying to get him to articulate any dissatisfaction he may have in his life that causes him to want to spend less time at home or what new development has caused this sudden wanderlust. Remember, it’s not proof that he’s cheating, but it’s pretty clear that he’s close, and there should be no waiting on talking about changes to make your marriage better quickly.

Pepe told me he saw his mistress on his way home from work almost every day. She lived only a few blocks away so he could see her whenever he left the house. He’d go out on weekends to play softball and get there late after seeing the other woman. He’d offer to go grocery shopping for his wife so he could grab an extra half hour with his mistress. His wife never knew and still doesn’t.

“I was like a thief sneaking around. My wife never realized I was away as much as I was. I think we’d become so different anyway, our lives were somewhat different. She didn’t want to watch me play softball and was happy if I’d leave to food shop.” Pepe didn’t think he was a great thief but felt his wife wasn’t looking at the most obvious signal reported in the research. He was finding more and more excuses to be away from home. “Toward the end it got so ridiculous, like I wanted to get caught, that I told her I was going to play golf. I didn’t even own clubs and she was just too distant at that point to ask what was going on.”

You have sex infrequently
The number two signal isn’t surprising although the numbers are: thirty-four percent of men reported diminished sexual activity as a sign they were close to infidelity, and it rose 43 percent once the infidelity was under way. Again, it’s noteworthy that 34 percent saw diminished sexual activity as a warning sign before any infidelity, telling you again that you can catch some of these signals before an affair or even unhappiness sets in. I did find it curious that only 43 percent said it was a signal of actual infidelity. You’d think there’d be a higher number if they’re already having sex outside the marriage.

It could be that they weren’t having so much sex before, so it wasn’t much of a change once the infidelity began.

Jorge highlighted this idea for me. I asked him how he could not have had any change in sex at home while he was cheating. He explained that he had sex about once every three weeks with his wife. When he was cheating, he still maintained the sex at home. “I didn’t want to do that to my wife, but if we stopped having sex completely, she would’ve become suspicious. I didn’t know what else to do.”

Fifty-seven percent of cheating men will cheat and yet not have less sex with their wives, although the usual frequency could be once every couple of months in many struggling marriages. However, diminished sexual activity was still a large number, telling us that maintaining sexual consistency and frequency is essential for a healthy marriage.

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