Want to stand by your man? Quit working

Author Megan Basham argues that many women today are looking for exit strategies from the working world. But most are unable to stay at home, she says, because of the economic need for the two-income household. In her new book, “Beside Every Successful Man,” Basham says that women who quit their jobs are better able to support their husbands' careers, thus increasing their family income. An excerpt.

Introduction
What women want and how they can get it
While writing this book, I continually returned to the question “Who is this information for?” Is it for the mother who wants to work less so she can spend more time with her children? (Polling shows there are a lot of you out there.) Is it for the woman whose man is a bit lost professionally and could use some assistance getting on track? (Unfortunately, statistics show your ranks are growing every day as well.) Is it for the woman whose husband is already doing well but would like to know how she can help him do even better? As far I’m concerned, it is for all of you and many more.

Yet, as I started working, I  couldn’t shake the feeling that the very idea of a woman taking the time to learn how to help her husband achieve his best in the workplace was somehow controversial. I had trouble with every chapter I began, sounding, as my husband put it, as if I  were “playing defense,” though I  couldn’t see any legitimate reason why I should. After all, don’t most married people want to see their spouse do well? Isn’t a large part of the point of marriage to support each other’s aspirations? I figured anyone in a reasonably healthy marriage would agree with me. But I knew that didn’t change the fact that by writing to wives in particular I was treading on some very thin cultural ice.

It’s strange that we have come to a place in our society where a wife’s desire to support her husband’s career should raise anyone’s ire. Strange that while we are expected to do everything in our power to give our children a boost in the competitive work world they will someday face, it is not acceptable for us to even entertain the idea of doing the same for our men. I know how some critics will respond: “Yes, but you didn’t write a  gender-neutral book showing spouses how to help each other become more successful. You wrote one for wives.” And it is  true — the fact that I think this topic holds far more interest for women than for men is inescapable. As to why I believe it, I offer you two stories.

The opt-out revolution
If you’ve ever spent any time watching the E! entertainment channel, you’ve probably noticed that it is to television what fast food is to a balanced diet — cheap, artificial, and with its incessant focus on celebrity gossip, fairly unhealthy. Among the network’s many superficial offerings one of the most superficial is a program called Dr. 90210, a reality show that follows the lives of Beverly Hills plastic surgeons and the wannabe actresses and models who frequent them. It is the kind of guilty pleasure one might indulge in (as I was doing one evening) while trying to get through the boring chore of folding laundry. Suddenly in the midst of scenes about fake boobs and Botox, a serious and timely drama began to play out.

One of the handsome young surgeons on the show had recently married an equally attractive doctor of internal medicine. If ever a pair could legitimately lay claim to the title “power couple,” these two  were it. But something about their interaction suggested that she was less enamored with where their new life together was headed than he was. At times their conversation about mundane  matters — how their day at work went, how to spend their  weekend — seemed to grow inexplicably tense. They just didn’t seem in sync. But as the show progressed, the reason for their disconnect became clear.

In this episode they were engaged in what is usually a very exiting newlywed adventure: shopping for their first home together. Their real estate agent showed them several properties, with one in particular catching the surgeon’s fancy. It had a formal dining room, a gourmet kitchen, and bedrooms to spare, all complemented by a sparkling pool and a glittering view of the Los Angeles skyline. It was as immense and impressive as their collective credentials, and it was located in one of the most expensive zip codes in the country.

Yet instead of reacting the way viewers might expect — by getting caught up in the excitement of potentially owning this palace — the lovely blonde doctor’s jaw was growing tight and her eyes were narrowing in wariness. She watched in silence as her husband surveyed every detail appreciatively and declared it “home.” Later, at their apartment, the mystery of her reticence was revealed.

“I really want it. I think it’s just perfect for us,” he said. “But if we’re going to make the mortgage, you’ll have to keep working.”

“For how long?” she asked, her face looking on the verge of crumpling.

“I don’t know. Indefinitely, I guess.” Her expression indicated that this was not the plan they had agreed on before their wedding day.

“But we talked about having kids. You said you were ready.” At this her voice jumped a panicky octave.

“There’s plenty of time for that.”

“Yeah, if you plan to have kids with another woman there is,” she snorted back. “I’m  thirty-five.”

What struck me most about this exchange between Drs. Jason and Jessica Diamond was that despite how different their lives looked on the outside from my own and those of the women I knew (none of us expected to be buying multimillion-dollar homes anytime soon), their conflict was the same. She wanted to start a family and at the very least cut back to part-time hours; he wanted a lifestyle that usually requires two full-time incomes. Forget the old feminist bogeyman of men forcing women to stay home barefoot with babies; this has become the marital argument of our age. When my friends and I (most of us in our late twenties to early thirties) get together, our talk often involves when and to what extent our husbands are going to help us extricate ourselves from the office, not “Why won’t those Neanderthals let us work more?” Recent headlines suggest that women all over are having the same conversation.

A lawyer from New Jersey tells the Courier-Post that she dreams of quitting her job and “grocery shopping at noon on a weekday.” She claims that most of the younger women at her firm share her sentiments. In the same story a twenty-nine-year-old  woman — another  doctor — shares that while she enjoys her job well enough, she “hates that she has to have it,” protesting, “I want to be a wife and a mom ... I shouldn’t have to be a doctor.” And in their recent coverage of the so-called mommy wars, USA Today reported on a  thirty-nine-year-old marketing director at an architecture firm who says she aches to be at home with her four-year-old son.

MORE FROM TODAY BOOKS: RELATIONSHIPS

Ex education: 10 signs you’re not ‘just friends’

Ex education: 10 signs you’re not ‘just friends’ ‘Superior Wife Syndrome’ aims to save couples RUEA? (That is, are you emotionally available?) Scorned lovers: Moving on is best ‘Revenge’ To snag a man, let him do the chasing What women can learn from bad pick-up lines New novel follows adventures of single women ‘Vixen Manual’ bares tricks to snare a man Boys 101: Writer offers teen girls a crash course How to get a great deal ... on a husband   Add Today Books: Relationships headlines to your news reader: