Create your own list for a happier life

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2. Consider what already makes you happy. “List making can stem from anxiety, but when you’re able to consider what’s already working for you, you’ll have an easier time coming up with a focused, short list that reflects where you want to go next,” Reivich says. She suggests I think about my strengths before I begin writing. I’d have to say that I’m a kick-ass mom who also feels lucky to be paid to do something I enjoy (writing). I still think I could lose 5 pounds, but I look pretty darn good, considering I have 5-year-old twin girls. Which means there’s no need to address career or parenting on my list; I already have those covered. I can also nix “lose 5 pounds,” although letting go of a 25-year-old goal is admittedly tough. “The self-help world is built on the deficit model — you’re not good enough, so you need to improve,” Reivich says. “But constantly giving yourself the ‘better, faster, slimmer’ message can be more toxic than helpful because you can always be better, faster, slimmer than you are at the current moment.”

Instead, focus on who you are when you’re at your absolute best, then build on that. I like to think I’m at the top of my game when people are laughing at my jokes. While I’m not planning on bumping Joy Behar from “The View” any time soon, I’d love to do more humor writing, which could mean starting a blog where I can let my quips fly. In fact, when I think about it, I’ve been itching to do that for the past few years. Time to make it a priority.

3. Be sure your goals are things you’re pursuing for yourself. “When the items on your list are intrinsically motivated and mesh with your values, that can be truly liberating,” says Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of California at Riverside and author of “The How of Happiness” (Penguin). So if getting a Ph.D. is on your list, make sure it’s your dream and not a dream of your mother’s, who always wanted to be an academic but wasn’t able to afford college.

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4. Concentrate on doing, not having. Studies show, over and over again, that money and material objects are no guarantee of happiness. “When we look back on life, we tend to value experiences over things,” says Timothy D. Wilson, professor of psychology at the University of Virginia in Charlottesville. That means it’s smart to focus on strolling the winding streets and sipping the perfect cup of cappuccino in Rome, which will provide you with lasting memories, rather than spending all your time scoring a pricey Italian handbag. “Of course, if you want to be a writer and a windfall allows you to quit your dull job and write full-time, that money can make you happy,” Lyubomirsky qualifies. “But a bigger car or TV — we tend to adapt to those once we have them. And then we inevitably want more or newer or bigger versions of them.”

“It’s simple,” Reivich agrees. “Happiness is about the quality of the moments in your life. People matter more than things.”

5. Include enjoyable goals on your list when possible. Let’s say your aim is to exercise more so you can feel healthier and look toned. The StairMaster may get you fit faster than a round of golf, but if you despise cardiovascular machines and love to be on the greens, you’ll be happier at the ninth hole than climbing to nowhere. You’ll also be more successful if you pick goals that are ongoing and offer the chance for variety and social contact (join a book club; exercise with a partner), rather than tactics that call for you to change your habits all on your own (read more books; work out daily).

6. Phrase your list in a way that elates and excites you. People are less apt to succeed when they try to avoid something (“Stop biting nails!”) as opposed to pursuing something. “In terms of motivation, it makes sense to state your goals in the affirmative,” Lyubomirsky stresses. Instead of “Quit dating jerks,” try “Make a point of dating only kind men.”

7. Break down your goals. Head off panic by focusing first on what you can do to achieve your dream in the short term, then tackle the longer term. You may want to save enough to buy a home, but you’ll feel less overwhelmed if you start by getting referrals for a good financial planner. Next, you might decide on a percentage of each paycheck to squirrel away. And so on. “As you tackle each aim, your confidence and knowledge will grow, taking you closer to your dream,” Lyubomirsky says.

8. Reread your list and notice how it makes you feel. If any item brings up a sense of dread, rewrite it until it sounds enticing or at least like something that feels worth doing. If you still can’t stomach it, cross it off. You can always add it back later. “Whether or not you do something should depend only on how much you want to do it, rather than a feeling that it is something you should do,” Ebner says. The same goes for revising — you’re always free to make new lists or add items even if they’re relatively improbable (“fly to the moon before I turn 40”) simply because you want to.

9. Be prepared to ball up your list and flush it. “The items on your list should be flexible so you can respond to various life circumstances as they unfold. That means thinking of your tally as a guide, as opposed to a hard-and-fast contract,” Piver says. Plus, by taking a loose, almost playful approach to list making, you’ll be less likely to hold back. So include your wildest dreams. You’re free to go after them — or not.

After talking to the experts, the number-one thing on my own list? Write a list! Which still makes me want to do 700 other things first. Perhaps that’s because life lists are not for everyone. For some people, “meaning is something that is discovered as your life is lived, not in advance,” Piver notes.