Dr Phil: How to prepare for ‘Real Life’

Real life brings real problems
Sometimes I wish I could predict, and even control, the future but I can’t, and neither can you.

Nobody has a “Get out of jail free” card. Although I have identified seven of the most common crises, you may have a list of five or ten more. There is no magic number, but I wanted to focus on the ones that, in my experience, you are most likely to encounter either yourself or through a loved one. They are likely to happen whether you’ve got an eighth-grade education or a Ph.D. They may happen whether you walk the red carpet or clean carpets for a living. They may happen whether you’re in a big city, living life in the fast lane, or in the woods, moving at a snail’s pace.

That means we are left to manage, adapt to, and survive what does come. Unfortunately, some people just knee-jerk react to what pops up in front of them. Some choose to live in stark denial, deluding themselves into believing that if they just don’t think about the inevitable and undeniable crises of life, maybe they just won’t happen. I think Scarlett O’Hara expressed it best: “I can’t think about that right now — if I do, I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about that tomorrow.” Well, frankly, Scarlett, my dear, those tomorrows do come, and if you haven’t prepared for them, those tomorrows can kick your butt. You will see that these strategies (or more accurately, non-strategies) can come at a very high price.

Even though we may not like to think about it, we all know that life is unpredictable. We can’t expect that, just because yesterday was sunny, it won’t rain today or tomorrow. A part of us always maintains a watchful eye, and no matter how well things seem to be going now, there can be the underlying nagging thought: Will the “other shoe” drop? And the truth is “yes,” the other shoe probably will drop at some point. I say this not as a pessimist, but as a realist and a coach, so that you may decide to do what it takes to have the peace that comes from being ready when it does.

If I had waited until that night at 10,000 feet to make a plan, it would have been way too late. When one of these seven days does arrive, I would want you to be able to say, “This is a crisis that I have prepared myself for. I’m at a fork in the road, and I can either panic and fall apart or I can use all of my skills and preparation to manage this day. The choice is mine.” Of course, the only way you can say that is if you are the person with a plan, the person who did their homework. The time to think about what you’re going to do when you’re in rough waters is when you are still in smooth waters, because on those seven days you’ll likely be way too busy physically, mentally, and emotionally to start making a plan.

Monsters live in the dark
I don’t think of life as being good versus bad or fair versus unfair. Life just is. I don’t think the world is out to get you or me or that we should view life as a ticking time bomb that’s going to blow up on us. I want all of us not just to survive these days but to come out of them with a new place to stand — with new tools, new wisdom, and a deeper understanding of how you got there, so that if it’s something you were doing that was ineffective, you can change it, and if it’s something that happened out of the blue, you can weather it and be stronger for it. The tools that I’ll share are designed to help you do just that, as well as, in the process become more successful as an individual — a wife or husband, a mother or father, and a member of your community. It’s a skill set that should be taught but seldom, if ever, is. It ought to be part of the preparation for growing up, but for most of us, it just isn’t.

I want all of us not just to survive these days but to come out of them with a new place to stand — with new tools, new wisdom, and a deeper understanding of how you got there, so that if it’s something you were doing that was ineffective, you can change it, and if it’s something that happened out of the blue, you can weather it and be stronger for it.

My goal is not only to help you learn how to cope well but also to empower you to fill the void of information in your children’s lives — whether they are still young or grown with their own families. You don’t have to live your life in fear of these seven days, the “dropping shoe,” or any other crisis for that matter. You don’t need to live scared if you have a plan in place and if you take some time to recognize and fill any voids in coping skills — before you need them.

People who play the game with “sweaty palms” are probably scared because they should be, because they know they have a void. One woman told me that she saw herself going through life as if she were sitting at the edge of one of those stiff metal folding chairs. She feared that the second she got excited about life it would be pulled out from underneath her. I’m guessing she has a “void” in her coping skills and knows in her heart of hearts that she is not equal to the challenges that could come. She’s not alone. Many of us live this way because fearing the unknown is what we do. We can’t see the road ahead of us, so sometimes we just envision the worst. But what if you did think about, acknowledge, and have a sense of what’s likely around the corners of your life? None of us knows exactly how our lives will play out, but wouldn’t it help to know what at least seven of the most common difficult days or crises most likely to touch your life will be like? Wouldn’t looking at these days before they hit be a lot smarter than waiting and having to struggle with the shock, distress, and confusion on top of all the stress of dealing with the event itself?

Sometimes those first moments of a crisis can be crucial. One way to explain this is to think about what happens between a mugger and his unsuspecting victim. When you’re being mugged, the number one edge that your attacker has over you is those first few seconds when he steps up to you and pulls a knife, holds up a gun, or takes a swing at you. That moment of shock is a state of mind that he is actually counting on to give him the time he needs to victimize you. Now imagine if you knew your attacker was about to strike. If you saw him coming, he wouldn’t have this advantage. Of course, you would never be totally calm in this situation or in the major kinds of crises we are talking about here. You would definitely go into high alert and arousal. But the difference is, you wouldn’t panic and fall apart — not with the mugger and not with one of the seven most challenging days of your life.

I want you to feel certain that you can handle whatever comes your way and, more important, to live each day in that place of confidence. This is part of what I call your attitude of approach — something we’ll talk about in detail in the next chapter. Monsters live in the dark. But once you turn the lights on, you say, “Oh, okay. I can handle this.” And you can. I believe you can. More importantly, I want you to believe that you can.

The 7 most challenging days of your life
For most of us, our formal education and other life experiences don’t give us any information about crisis management, problem solving, or even problem recognition. Much of this book is based on my opinions and experiences of what I have seen work for people dealing with these seven days in their lives as well as in my own life. But I didn’t write it in a vacuum, because most, if not all, of my opinions are also supported by the results of those studies. I also did not discover some great new information to break the “code of life,” which is okay because I didn’t need to.

As is my usual focus, this book is about real people and real problems of living. When I started working on this book, I was curious about what people saw themselves wrestling with in these current times. In order to get a current snapshot of what some of our friends and neighbors see as their greatest stressors and toughest days, a Web survey was conducted at www.dr.phil.com with more than a thousand respondents. We asked what they believed their top stressful events were, based on their opinion about the level of interference these stressors created in their lives according to a scale from 0 to 100 percent (0 meaning the event had no interference, 100 meaning total interference).

Ask yourself if you agree or disagree with the ratings of these various events in light of your own experiences. In other chapters, I’ll discuss the relationship between stressful events, such as these and possible consequences or reactions that may be associated. Fifteen stress events that were reported to interfere at a level of at least 75 percent are ranked as follows:

Rank stress event
  1 Foreclosure of mortgage or loan

 2 Death of close family member

 3 Major disease diagnosis

 4 Major disease diagnosis of family member

 5 Severe illness (living with a chronic state of illness)

 6 Death of a spouse

 7 Financial ruin

 8 Change in financial state

 9 Traumatic legal problem

10 Separation

11 Self-identity crisis

12 Change in mental health of family member

13 Divorce

14 Severe injury

15 Death of close friend

The results of the survey were largely consistent with many of the studies that have been conducted on stress in the past. It alerts us to possible areas we need to be watchful of because — as you’ll read in later chapters — these events can be linked to other physical and emotional consequences that can make a situation even worse. For example, the researchers Holmes and Rahe conducted a study with a stress scale a generation ago, and the findings suggest that interpersonal stress events, such as the death of a spouse and divorce, were the greatest stress events and furthermore could be linked to physical diseases. The data didn’t answer the question about which came first, the stressor or the disease, but either way both are problems worth attending to.

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