12 strange and confusing things about hotels

By James Wysong

Travel columnist

updated 4:59 p.m. ET Sept. 3, 2008

James Wysong Travel columnist • Profile • E-mail

If anyone knows hotels, it’s airline crewmembers. We often smirk at the way properties work, but then forget about them when we leave. I don’t.

In my last column, I offered some lodging tips from an airline perspective. Now comes the fun part: pointing out the oddities associated with these hotels. Here’s my list.

1. Useless signs. I am in a hotel as I write this column. It’s a large room with the ceilings that are approximately 15 feet high. On the ceiling is an emergency sprinkler system with a sticker on it. I can’t quite read it, so I stand on the bed and jump closer to read this important message. It says, do not hang items from this fixture. Really? Considering that I would need a ladder to reach it, is it that necessary to tell me this? Another useless item is the one that the maids put on the toilet paper. It only ends up tearing the paper and gets thrown away with the shreds. I don’t really need it shaped in a triangle, thank you.

2. Soap it up. Now, I like the different toiletries in the hotel rooms, but find the size of soaps somewhat overwhelming and wasteful. Why would you give me a big fancy oatmeal bar of soap for staying only one night? Well, what about a several night stay, you might ask? No, the maid always throws away the old one and replaces it with a fresh bar.

3. The mini-bar. Ever check out the prices in the those drink treasure chests? Think they are steep here in the U.S.? Just do the math in the overseas hotels and you will become a teetotaler yet. If I ever do have a drink, I just make sure to replace it when I leave. Some of the mini-bars have automatic sensors that once the item is removed it goes directly on your bill. Now, that is somewhat silly as well because how many of you are going to actually pay for the item if you didn’t consume it? I know I’m not. What I usually do is bring the item down to check-out stating that I accidentally bumped into the mini bar knocking over the item in question. This is especially helpful when clearing a space for your items that need a refrigerator.

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4. Connecting rooms. There is often a definite need for a connecting room option but do they have to have such a high gap under the connecting door? Unfortunately, this generally causes the ability to hear more of the unwanted sounds emanating from your neighbor such as bodily noises and/or functions, romantic interludes, conversations and the inevitable curiosity of your next door occupant at 2 AM saying, “Where does this door lead to?”

5. Bidet. Okay, I know it’s probably because I am male, but I never really got the hang of this item and in fact, for the first few years in the airline industry, I truly believed its function to be that of a shoe washer.

6. Elevator. Elevator behavior is always humorous to me. The occupants’ demeanor always changes once inside; no conversation and they are always staring up at the numbers. Once in a while I confound the others and face the rear of the elevator instead. Advertisers are getting clever by putting a television inside (naturally called a Televator), forcing you to watch their commercials.

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