Michael Ventre

I’m not accustomed to seeing women fight. I realize “men hunt, women nest” is obsolete in most modern cultures, but somehow “men hunt, women pummel” doesn’t sound right, either.

The last time I saw two women almost come to blows was about two weeks ago at Macy’s, when the lady behind the register tried to explain to a female customer that a sale was over and therefore she couldn’t have an item at the sale price anymore. I had an immediate flashback to “Million Dollar Baby.”

I bring this up because suddenly there seems to be a lot of unrest on the distaff side of the sports world. It’s as if a fragile veneer of ladylike civility that suggests images of bonnets and parasols and tea biscuits has given way to the hair-pulling and homemade shivs of a catfight at a women’s penitentiary.

Last week, Danica Patrick confronted another female IndyCar driver, Milka Duno, because she wasn’t happy with the way Duno was operating her vehicle. The two had an angry exchange and then Duno threw a towel at her and stalked off.

That served as just the preliminary, though. On Tuesday night, a brawl broke out between the Los Angeles Sparks and Detroit Shock of the WNBA. It took place at the Palace in Auburn Hills, which happens to be the same location as the NBA’s most infamous donnybrook, the one on Nov. 19, 2004 in which Ron Artest led a star-studded cast against several random drunks in the stands.

That was dubbed the “Malice at the Palace.” For the purposes of this discussion, I’ll call this the “Alice at the Palace.” When the same building can inspire such ill will, it’s time for either a voodoo doctor to lift a curse, or for the Ultimate Fighting Championship to make Auburn Hills its world headquarters.

The players in Tuesday’s battle didn’t go after fans, but as melees between groups of women go, this was a unique spectacle. I know that average television viewers are used to seeing this type of thing regularly on “The View,” but for us sports observers it’s a little unsettling. The American ideal is mom and apple pie, not mom shoving an apple pie in another woman’s face. And even though tempers flare sometimes in women’s sports, the expectation is that the ladies involved will work out their differences over lattes, or at least without kicks to the pelvis.

The Danica incident is believed to be the first time she has confronted another female IRL driver, although that is a short list. To my knowledge, there is Danica, Milka and Sarah Fisher. Now if Danica had confronted both Duno and Fisher, then that certainly would have strengthened the notion that suddenly there is something strange going on among women in sports, as well as generating a lot more YouTube hits.

Now just imagine if Danica had a scuffle in the pits with Duno and Fisher, and then Janet Guthrie and Lyn St. James ran over to serve as peacemakers but then they got caught up in the skirmish, and then Ashley Judd saw what was going on and came down from the stands to break up the fight but instead got her shirt ripped and then started swinging, then that would truly be a sight to see.

But the Danica situation with Duno isn’t that surprising. A few weeks back, Danica tried to kick the butt of a male driver, Ryan Briscoe, at the Indy 500 but was turned away by security. Danica is an attractive women and an accomplished driver, but she has that pouty brat look that suggests she would be ready to throw down if somebody put the wrong colored sprinkles on her ice cream cone.

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