Grandparents behaving badly

Carson remembers being convinced her 6-year-old grandson wasn’t ready to go to sleepaway camp. She wrote a letter to his parents, expressing her concerns but that she would respect their decision. Despite her misgivings, the boy was sent to camp — and had a miserable time. “It was a clear and painful experience of not being in charge,” she recalls. 

That doesn’t mean grandparents have no role, simply that they must take a supporting one that puts their children first.

“If grandparents can develop a climate of goodwill, then that creates room for mistakes,” says Carson. “If the parents understand that the grandparents want the best for the family, then there can be some understanding and forgiveness if things don’t go just right.”

Pick your battles
However, the onus is also on parents to show some grace. So the kids have stayed up late, eaten too much sugar and watched a "Hannah Montana" marathon. Take a breather and ask yourself if it’s really worth berating the grandparents. 

“Kids know that it’s different at Grandma's,” Carson insists. “It doesn’t undo all the good healthy things you’ve tried to instill in your child.”

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In more extreme cases, speaking up can cause irrevocable rifts. Keenan’s involvement in the parental rights group began when she and her ex-husband scolded his daughters’ grandmother for feeding them too much candy. “The response was that she was their grandmother and could do whatever she wanted. We started limiting the time she spent with them — and she in return sued us for visitation.”

“You definitely have to stand up for yourself — they’re your kids, you are the parent,” Keenan says. “If your child is in danger or going to be hurt you have to lay down the law. But, if it’s small things, I tell parents, let it slide.”

Parents should also make sure their nitpickiness isn’t verging on neurosis. Grandparents retaliate with some of their own “parents gone wild” stories: those who insist the grandparents watch safety videos or take CPR classes before being allowed to bathe or handle a grandchild.

Above all, parents should keep in mind the value of the grandparent in the children’s lives. “Grandparents can be much more accepting and patient,” says Carson. “They can really believe in the grandchild in a way that parents are not able to. Parents need to honor that and bend a little bit.”

For this reason, Cannon is willing to let the blue bear incident slide, certain her mother-in-law adores her son and had the best of intentions.

“It’s not worth it to make waves,” Cannon says. “I’ve had great relationships with my grandparents. I would want Rowan growing up to have that, too.”

Melissa Schorr is a Boston-based freelancer who has written for the Wall Street Journal, the Boston Globe Magazine, Reuters Health, Working Mother, SELF, GQ and People. She is the author of the young adult novel "Goy Crazy."

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