Step right up and buy a piece of Indiana Jones

“Don’t touch anything.”

That’s Indiana Jones (aka Harrison Ford) talking in the trailer for “Kingdom of the Crystal Skull,” after 19 years of silence and a sip from the Holy Grail. There are those who might argue that there’s plenty in the Steven Spielberg-George Lucas opus that shouldn’t be touched, but since rumors of a fourth Indiana Jones adventure have circled the Internet since its inception, fans are somewhat stunned, but warily grateful, that the thing was even completed at all.

It’s not just a film. It’s a culture.

Some have balked at the inclusion of Shia LaBeouf after his performance in “Transformers” (hilarious or obnoxious, depending on who you ask), but it seems director Spielberg has chosen wisely. Spunky, drink-captors-under-the-table Marion (Karen Allen) from “Raiders of the Lost Ark” is back, but screechy Willie (Spielberg's wife Kate Capshaw) and stereotypical Short Round (Jonathan Ke Quan) from “Temple of Doom” have been quietly left to molder in Netflix sleeves. Perhaps most encouraging to old-school fans, the film was not shot digitally, and CGI is rumored to be minimal. No Jar-Jar Binks here.

George Lucas judiciously realized he ought to hug tight his merchandising rights when he slipped that little clause into his “Star Wars” contract, and he’s since peddled his fair share of “Indiana Jones” lunchboxes. But the most recent Jones film, “Last Crusade,” was released just on the cusp of the reality show/videogame/Burger King tie-in monolith, which is now American popular culture.

While wags have been busting on leading man Harrison Ford’s advanced age (one Internet posting suggested that a more proper movie title might be “Indiana Jones and the Prescription For Viagra” or “Indiana Jones Remembers When This Was All Just Fields”), Indiana Jones is very much with the times when it comes to showing his moxie to the masses — who are an entirely new generation since he last rode off into the sunset with Dad.

Come and get your Indy swag
The special bags of M&Ms (Chocolate! Peanut! Mint!) popped into grocery store shelves a good month before the film’s opening date. Indy signature hat knockoffs were seen in truck stops as far back as February. Throw him the idol, he’ll throw you the limited edition pin set. And while the trailer was cheered by many in theatres the old-fashioned way, it flashed through Internet sites as well. The last check of the top “Crystal Skull” posting showed over a million hits. When it comes to making himself come-hither to his demographics, Indy keeps his hat on.

Slide show   Harrison Ford Whether playing Indiana Jones or Han Solo, Ford is most comfortable in the role of a hero.

Not that he hasn’t had help. The easy availability of first VHS tapes and then DVDs has kept Jones at the forefront of the American imagination, and the critically acclaimed but short-lived “Young Indiana Jones Chronicles” television series provided an interest bump after the last whip was cracked on the original film trilogy.

He’s been to South America, Shanghai, Portugal and Venice, but if Indiana Jones was firmly lodged in the American psyche, there was only one place left for him to go: Disney World. A trip to MGM Studios at Walt Disney World is an unparalleled opportunity to plunge oneself in all things Jones… it has two exquisitely themed gift shops and a stunt show (but not, in the true Disney fashion, merely a stunt show — it’s the “Indiana Jones™ Stunt Spectacular!”). He’s got his own ride at Disneyland, the Indiana Jones Adventure.

Dr. Jones joined forces with Mickey Mouse in 1989, and the attraction is on the elite short list of those in the park which offer a FastPass, in the same league as the Haunted Mansion and Space Mountain, which means that it’s a good place to stand in line for a long, long time — even by Disney standards. The stunt show, complete with rolling boulders and exploding airplanes, is a favorite among park guests for its shtick of pulling volunteers from the audience to act as extras.

More on 'Indiana Jones' Shia channels Brando’s ‘Wild’ punk in 'Indy' Many readers feel 'Indy' fails to fully deliver Russia communists see red in new ‘Indy’ film Review: ‘Crystal Skull’ delivers, but just barely Step right up and buy a piece of Indiana Jones Why ‘Raiders’ succeeds where ‘Temple’ doesn’t A late start hasn’t hurt Harrison Ford one bit Can you whip this Indiana Jones quiz?

Young and old, audience members jump and scream. It may not be 15 minutes of fame, but it is 15 minutes in the Disneyfied presence of a faux Jones. And if that’s as close as we’re gonna get, we’ll take it.

Perhaps the greatest claim of the fictional Indiana Jones is the very real effect the films have had on the field of archeology and socio-cultural studies. The movie’s rebooted legacy could very well be every single little kid who, as the soundtrack swells, turns to Mom and Dad in his theater seat and says, “I am going to be an archeologist!” The poor kid will be destroyed when he gets all the way to grad school and there’s nary a whip in sight, but by then, he’ll be hooked.

Dr. Jones has been called “the worst thing to happen to archeology,” with a penchant for “professional looting” and an old-world sense of Western superiority. (“That belongs in a museum!”) Then again, the moral of at least the first movie is: You mess with artifacts you aren’t supposed to be messing with, your face gets melted off.

As a cultural phenomenon, Indiana Jones stands alone before the idol. Whether the fourth installment of his story detracts from it or builds on it will be answered by the time Memorial Day ticket receipts are in, but even if you miss him at the theater, you’re sure to catch him in the trademarked line of Hallmark cards.

Mary Beth Ellis writes from the perilous Beltway edge of Washington, D.C., where she runs BlondeChampagne.com and hosts Blonde Champagne Radio. Her first book, “Drink to the Lasses” was published in 2006.

'Kindgom of the Crystal Skull': reviews from around the Web L.A. Times: ‘Entertaining ... avoids being an anticlimax’ USA Today: ‘Wields enough snap to satisfy’ Chicago Tribune: ‘Full of action but forgets to have a good time’ Time: ‘Sleek, satisfying, familiar’ Newsweek: ‘Meets every expectation’ Roger Ebert: ‘If you liked the other ... movies, you will like this one’ Entertainment Weekly: ‘There's joy and a middle-aged playfulness’

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