Babies, weddings, food fights fill ‘Housewives’

When the residents of Wisteria Lane only have seventeen episodes in which to wreak the usual havoc, who really suffers? The fourth season of "Desperate Housewives," shortened by this winter's WGA strike, was regarded by many fans as a retread of the first: traded-out children, mysterious deaths, a hit-and-run. But there was compensation — the world's longest tornado warning. Only twelve hours until touch down, everyone! Stock up on the bottled water!

Apparently to compensate for the missing episodes, the season sped through its storylines, re-marrying Carlos and Gabrielle in about four minutes and birthing Mike and Susan's baby in less than a quarter of that.

The only plot to drip along slowly was the central mystery: Katherine Mayfair's puzzling return to Wisteria Lane and the true identity of her suspiciously amnesia-prone daughter, Dylan.

There's still the May 18 finale to go, but season four of "Housewives" has offered both elements to love and new characters to hate on sight. Here's a look back at its many ups and downs:

Nudest Husband: Orson. Sleepwalking Orson, who likes to sit in Susan's kitchen in the altogether and confess to attempting to run down Mike. You decide which is more horrifying.

Most Touching Use of a Coaster: Andrew makes a little home for himself in Crackville, and a repentant, worried Bree pays a visit. He busts out a coaster as they sit down to share a drink, and Mama beams, thrilled that she raised her son right. Well. Except for the whole hit-and-run thing, but who cares? The boy's got coasters!

Best '80s Shout-out, Part I: Wayne, Katherine's ex (played by Gary Cole, the boss from "Office Space," sans TPS reports) confirms what was broadly hinted at in the first part of the season: Dylan Mayfair is not, in fact, Dylan Mayfair. He drunk-watches some VHS tapes of her first bike ride from back in The Day. Little Dylan has a scar, Current Dylan does not. But this raises an even bigger mystery: Who seriously still has a VHS player?

Best '80's Shout-out, Part II: Gabrielle and Carlos' new boarder? Justine Bateman, better known as Mallory Keaton, only she's dealing drugs. Alex P. would not approve.

Best '80's Shout-out, Part III: Gabrielle refers to a butched-up Lee as "the lost member of Wham!"

Most Obvious Use of Set: That down-the-street stomp from the four original housewives on their way to inform Edie that she was no longer welcome in their housewifery games was the most produced moment in the history of Wisteria Lane. It was a Jerry Bruckheimer film in Coach pumps.

Worst-Dressed: What was Edie wearing during the above scene? Was that a nightgown, a dress, something out of a cardboard box at The Limited's semi-annual sale, what? It was short and black with many, many lumpy flowers crammed along the neckline, and in general terrifying. Who wouldn't freeze her out?

Most Forward Use of STDs As a Hilarious Plot Device: Let's hear it for crabs! In a live-action illustration of ninth-grade health class, Edie learns that she has crabs, which means that Carlos has them, which means that Gabby has them, which means that Victor has them. Those wacky critters will out you every time.

D'oh! Moment For the Ages: Bree accidentally confirms that Katherine's husband, Adam, has had an affair by mentioning a tattoo which she heard about from his fling-ee. She manages to do this while everyone is trapped in a very tiny room as a tornado rages outside. Awkward.

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Most Tragic Loss of Pizza: The throwdown between Tom and Rick in the Scavo's restaurant was quite the food fight. Tables flying, pitchers of water splashing. Many anchovies were needlessly sacrificed.

Best-Dressed: Bree glided through the Founder's Ball in a flowingly gorgeous sapphire blue gown with a jeweled neckline and a handful of salmonella for Katherine. Lovely.

Cringeworthy Moment:  We have a tie between Lynette raising her hand in the middle of a sermon at Bree's church (she has a question!) and Gabrielle engaging in a slap fight with a man in a wheelchair over her abuse of Carlos' handicap parking tag (she hurled first his cell phone down the parking lot, and then him).

Best Handwriting: Katherine's Aunt Lillian, fully supine and on her deathbed, still manages to produce amazingly exquisite script as she writes a letter to Dylan telling her the truth about something to be revealed in the finale. Hopefully.

Most Welcome "Oh Yeah, That's Right!" Moment: Remember when Susan had a career as a children's author and illustrator? It popped up again this season, but only so Mike's mother could belittle poor Susan's opus, "Ants in My Picnic Basket."

Best Use of Fence Post: Here's your suburban symbolism, says show creator Marc Cherry, as a picket fence post was rammed directly through Victor Lang's chest. Excellent death.

Worst Use of the Toys 'R' Us Catalog:  Kayla Scavo, who's what — 12 years old? 13? We don't care, she's evil — was seen very calmly combing a doll's hair as she informed Lynette that she manipulated her little brothers into setting fire to Rick's new restaurant.

Fondest Callback to Karen Walker: Mike's endless search for prescription drugs left us wisful for Grace Adler's secretary, who could just ring up "Pharmacist" and have a big ol' load of downers delivered stat. This is how the other half lives.

Mary Beth Ellis is the author of Drink to the Lasses and the webmistress of BlondeChampagne.com.

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