Smallest salad wins in friendly food battle

Food rivals
Women who are competitive about things unrelated to food often bring their issues to the table. In one of her studies, Pliner discovered that when she paired up women to compete against each other in a variety of skills, the women who thought they were behind in the competition chose lighter entrées than their rivals at lunchtime. "It was their way of controlling an area where they could succeed," she says. "It was as if they were thinking, If I can’t compete with her in these other areas, at least I can eat healthier than she does." Or, even more than that, be thinner.

Elizabeth*, a 31-year-old interior designer, can relate. She and her best friend from childhood have always been competitive about everything — who has the better job, who has the better boyfriend, who dresses better. "So when we have dinner together and she orders penne with meatballs, I feel this small sense of accomplishment when I tell the waiter that I'll just have a salad. It's like I have more willpower and I'm thinner. That's two points for me."

It's easy to get drawn into the rivalry, however unwittingly. Last fall, Melanie Chisholm, a.k.a. Sporty Spice, expressed fears that the Spice Girls reunion would reignite the various eating disorders and competitive dieting that the women suffered from a decade ago. Lauren Greenfield, photographer, author, and documentary filmmaker of "Thin," an unflinching portrait of an eating disorder treatment center, points out that several of its female eating disorder patients have effectively had to create boundaries due to competitiveness. "There's a social contagion to eating disorders, and the women can get very jealous," Greenfield says. "At the treatment center, the cafeteria had a huge window looking out into the reception area, so the women could see all the new girls coming in. They would be so thin, and some would have feeding tubes, and everyone would be so jealous of them. Two of the women knew that they were not good for each other. One of them said, 'For my own health, I can't talk to you for a while.'"

Granted, eating disorders are the extreme. But Ellie Krieger, a former adjunct professor of nutrition at New York University and author of "The Food You Crave" (Taunton Press), points out that "social pressure has a huge role in your eating behavior and your perception of your body. And there definitely is a clear link between the propensity of eating disorders and groups where thinness is highly valued." As to whether your friend's annoying competitive-eating habits — as well as her ideas about body image — are eventually going to wear off on you: "You can be negatively influenced by her insane, neurotic behavior, but only if you yourself have a competitive streak of your own," she says. "Another way to handle it is to think, You want to compete with me? Good luck with that." It takes two to turn dinner into a showdown.

Friends bond over weight
Last summer, a study published in the New England Journal of Medicine got a lot of attention: It found that when people had a friend who was obese — even one who lived clear across the country whom they rarely saw face to face — their own chances of becoming obese shot up by 57 percent. In fact, having an obese friend might make a bigger difference than having an obese spouse or sibling.

A crucial aspect of the same study that didn’t get a lot of press, though, was the fact that the scenario held true for the opposite: Your friends can also make you thin.

"We had the same results for weight loss as for weight gain," says Nicholas Christakis, an internist and professor of medical sociology at Harvard University School of Medicine and lead researcher on the study.

Apparently, mind-set matters much more than habits and exposure: We're drawn to become friends with people who share our values. "Even though as a society, we still have ideals about [body size], you're more affected personally by the people you know," says Christakis. Thus, when a friend becomes overweight — even if you see her just a few times a year and only communicate via e-mail — you become more accepting of extra pounds, which can, in turn, revise your ideas about your own size if your weight creeps up. Or just the opposite. "I had a friend who moved to Cape Cod for three months," says Caitlyn*, a 35-year-old marketing executive. "We were about the same size before she left, but when she got back, I noticed she had lost a ton of weight. She was so skinny, which made me feel fat. I freaked out and immediately went on a diet and started losing weight, too."

Visit any high school or watch any episode of "The Real Housewives of Deranged County," and it's obvious that groups of like-minded friends often look quite a bit alike. Body weight and eating habits are components of this kind of tribal beauty, in a way that's more subtle and subconscious than overt and competitive. "Your norms are created by the people you know — the law of social networks is that they tend to magnify whatever characteristics the group shares," says Christakis. Krieger agrees. "Humans are social creatures, and it's also our nature to look around and compare," she says.

It bears remembering, though, when you feel yourself getting all crazy and stressed out about your friends … and their weight ... and your weight: Spending time with friends over a shared meal is truly one of life's most reliable pleasures. It should be a time to relax, not add more stress to your life — and certainly not a time to self-consciously scrape away béchamel sauce under the scrutinizing gaze of a competitive-eating friend. (Who needs enemies when you have dinner companions like that?) It's entirely likely, too, that for all her gimlet-eyed glaring at everyone else's plates, she's really more worried about how people are viewing what she's eating. And the only person affected by how much you eat is you.

* Not their real names

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