The thrill of the chaste: In defense of sexless dating

At first, I was bitter and resentful about forgoing sex. I would think, “OK, God, I’m doing this for you, and you’d better appreciate it!”

But I quickly found that I couldn’t stay chaste if I thought that way.

I was resentful because I saw becoming chaste as entering a door into the unknown and closing the door behind me. It was scary.

I knew how to get close to a man — a kind of closeness — by leaving the door open, so that the option of sex was available. I did not know how to build any kind of closeness without that option. So, when I was being “resentfully chaste,” it was like I was standing in that doorway, looking back at what I was leaving behind — like Lot’s wife. And if you remember, Lot’s wife looked back at Sodom and was turned into a pillar of salt — which is like a body made of tears.

Perhaps it was a better way to go than if she had stayed behind — she would have become a pillar of brimstone. And, indeed, if I had stayed unchaste, I would have gotten burned out. But Lot’s wife never got to see the better life that lay ahead.

What I eventually realized was that if you want to learn how to love, really love and be loved, you have to go through that door, because that’s the only way to find true joy in this life. That’s the secret of the saints. You have to discover that love that goes beyond sex, the love that we are meant to share with everyone and not just that special someone.

And, if you do find that special someone, learning how to truly love and vow that love for life, will give you a bond that nothing can destroy.

In the hippie era, the supposed joys of sexual “freedom” were heady stuff. But how does the freedom to use or be used, to separate emotions from sex and sex from commitment, make one truly free?

True sexual freedom, like all freedom, can exist only when the dignity of the human person is recognized.

There is no dignity in a society that encourages touching another person’s body but not allowing that person to touch your heart.

During the times I’ve dated since becoming chaste, I’ve found that, even as my boyfriend and I resist the urge to take off our clothes, I feel more and more ... naked.

Now I realize more so than ever before, how much I withheld when I was having sex. My lovers and I had used the act as a shortcut to intimacy. Going on date after date with a man I find immensely attractive and not having sex with him, the layers of emotional protection gradually get stripped away. What’s left is either a highway to heartbreak — or the foundation for the greatest love that ever was. The only way to learn the answer is to take the risk.

Dawn Eden is the author of “The Thrill of the Chaste: Finding Fulfillment While Keeping Your Clothes On” (Thomas Nelson), also available in Spanish as “La Aventura de la Castidad.” She lives in Washington, D.C. Visit her online at thrillofthechaste.com.

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