Let ’er rip: Blogging the Oscars

7:08 p.m. PST
More awards from Seth and Jonah, still not being funny about the Halle/Judi thing.

“Bourne Ultimatum” wins for Other Loudest Movie.

7:05 p.m. PST
Miley Cyrus introduces the next “Enchanted” song, which doesn’t translate from film to stage. Like at all.

Here are Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill pretending to Halle Berry and Dame Judi Dench. Why aren’t they being funny?

“Bourne Ultimatum” wins for Loudest Movie, which should have gone to “Transformers.”

6:55 p.m. PST
Jessica Alba just presented some technical awards. That’s what she does. That and star in “Honey,” which is a great movie.

Josh Brolin and James McAvoy are here to present screenplay. I want them to play Gay Chicken. Instead they’re just giving an award to the Coens.

Now the Academy guy is here. I don’t know what’s happening. Everyone in the room is talking about other stuff. Oh, it’s about how the votes are counted and stuff.

Travolta’s in the clippy bit about voting. Different hair. So’s Michael Bay, saying, “I voted for myself TWICE!”

6:47 p.m. PST
There’s an eyeliner argument happening at the party. Should Tilda have worn some?

The opinions are passionately divided.

The consensus is that Travolta is wearing enough for both of them.

6:44 p.m. PST
Alan Arkin presents for best supporting actress.

Cut to John Travolta’s hair again. Even the camera operators can’t figure it out. His head is proof that Scientology is a lie. They can cure post-partum depression with Niacin but they can’t fix male pattern baldness?

I want Tilda Swinton to win. She’s out-of-control excellent.

TILDA SWINTON WON!!!!!

Ruby Dee wants to beat her up. She just left to go have a drink with Hal Holbrook.

AND SHE JUST THANKED GEORGE CLOONEY’S NIPPLES!

I thought I didn’t have any more room in my heart for her but I just found out that I do.

6:36 p.m. PST
Owen Wilson presents for live action short; it goes to “Le Mozart Des Pickpockets.”

I can barely focus. I’m fascinating on Owen’s Sandy Duncan hair. Remember when she took over for Valerie Harper on that show? That was weird. The French guy who wins the Oscar has a great looking wife who I think is Diamanda Galas.

Then Jerry Seinfeld as that bee presents for best animated short. “Peter and The Wolf” wins.

The winners say that their award is for everyone. When’s my turn to hold it?

6:31 p.m. PST
Felicity is here to present a song nominee. It’s from “August Rush.”

She calls it “a little movie with a big heart.” She was in it. I saw it. It was, in fact, a poop movie with a big smell.

Why didn’t they get R. Kelly to sing this song instead of this guy who’s singing it?

Who is this guy? He’s not R. Kelly.

But, I mean, I get why R. Kelly’s not here, of course. Miley Cyrus is nearby.

I like the choir. It’s the thing about the movie that you should actually care about. Nothing else.  Just this pretty darn good song.

6:22 p.m. PST
Cate Blanchett comes out and gives away the art direction award.

Why no acting awards yet? No one cares about this stuff.

“Sweeney Todd” wins.

Oh good, finally an acting award....

But first a montage of Great Moments In Dead People Presenting Awards to Other Dead People.

J HUD!!!! I love her. She’s giving it to best supporting actor...

Look there’s Dixie Carter! Now I want Hal Holbrook to win.

But J Hud gives it to “Harvey-Air Bardem.” Hal Holbrook gets the valet ticket from Dixie and walks out.

6:11 p.m. PST
The Rock is presenting for best visual effects. He’s wearing the same tux Celine Dion wore a few years back but forwards. I like imagining him on the tailor stand going, “Can we tuck it in a little more at the waist? I want to show off my figure.”

“The Golden Compass” wins. I love that movie. The guys who win yell, “Thank you! THERE IS NO GOD!”

6:03 p.m. PST
Katherine Heigl presents the make-up award.

“La Vie En Rose” wins. Marion Cotillard gasps. Wait, sorry, no it’s not the one for you yet.

Some French people win, though.

And now for a song from “Enchanted.”

Amy Adams sings it. I like her. I like her like 1 percent more than I like Katherine Heigl. And since I don’t like Katherine Heigl at all that’s almost the same at 10,000 percent more.

THIS SONG SUCKS.

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