Let ’er rip: Blogging the Oscars

Final entry of the night: 8:57 p.m. PST
Time for a montage of best director winners. Mel Gibson was one of them. So was Kevin Costner. So Was Ron Howard. That’s never not funny.

So here’s Scorsese to present it. To the Coens.

And for the second time in Oscar best director history, P.T. Anderson has ZERO GAME FACE. The first time he lost he looked kinda glum and had Fiona Apple giving goony “now I console you” face, cuddling him and petting him while he sulked. Tonight he visibly flinches.

The Coens mumble something about being overtly clever for a living.

And they’re moving right along because here’s Denzel Washington to present best picture.

The Coens and Scott Rudin get it for “No Country for Old Men.”

Which is fine. I think it’s a really good movie. It’s not as good as “There Will Be Blood.”

But who cares, really? It would only make P.T. Anderson more difficult to live with, you just know.

Anyway, the Coens keep quiet while notoriously mean super-producer Scott Rudin holds his Oscar and thanks his life partner. Backstage he will throw the statue at his assistant’s head. The savvy assistant, who watched “Swimming With Sharks” five times before taking the job, will successfully duck the heavy flying object. It will be intercepted by Gary Busey who will then think he’s won.

8:42 p.m. PST
Time for the best actor award. Helen Mirren, GILF of all time, is here to present it.

“Hello,” says HM. “I’m amazing. Let’s have sex.”

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OK, she didn’t just say that.

Daniel Day-Lewis wins, which is as it should be. Weird earrings.

And though I’m into him winning, I’m not into him thanking everyone, although they do show his crazy-dress-wearing wife, Rebecca Miller.

This evening has been supremely boring and he’s not helping make it better. Show more of that wife’s dress.

8:32 p.m. PST
Harrison Ford is here to present for best original screenplay. What I like about Harrison Ford is that he seems baked all the time. Like, “Did you guys see ‘Superbad’?”

He gives it to Diablo Cody, even though I bet that’s not whose name is written inside the envelope. She’s wearing my second favorite dress of the night and he thinks he’s going to get a lap dance backstage.

I’m happy for her. I love backlashes but I’m not on board for the “Juno” backlash. I like it a whole lot. I also like Diablo Cody’s unapologetically thick legs.

8:24 p.m. PST
Some U.S. soldiers in Iraq present the nominees for best documentary short.

“Freeheld,” the movie about the partner of the deceased lesbian cop who had to sue a city in Florida to get her partner’s death benefits is the winner.

Bet they didn’t tell the U.S. military that there was a possibility that something gay might win or they wouldn’t have agreed.

Then Tom Hanks — the opposite of John Travolta — presents the best documentary award. I’m guessing that Iraq is going to be the “Enchanted” of documentaries.

Oh wait, I’m wrong. “Taxi To The Dark Side,” the brutal doc about torture, wins. You need to see it. It’s great. But you don’t necessarily want to, you know?

The director gives a subtle anti-war thank you speech. They’re never letting Michael Moore on that stage again.

8:14 p.m. PST
Amy Adams presents best score after her movie loses all its best song nominees.

I don’t care who wins because they didn’t nominate “There Will Be Blood.”

So there’s that.

8:10 p.m. PST
Cameron Diaz presents the cinematography award to Robert Elswit for “There Will Be Blood.” He’s all gallant and thanks Jack Fisk, who’s Sissy Spacek’s cool art director/cinematographer husband.

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Hilary Swank presents the dead people.

No Brad Renfro. No Charles Nelson Reilly. No Brett Somers.

And now you know who’s important and who’s not. The Oscars just prioritized it for you.

8:02 p.m. PST
Colin Farrell threw his weight around backstage and got the “Once” woman to come out and give her thank you speech. There would have been a grand scale Lucky Charms embargo if they’d refused his demand.

7:56 p.m. PST
Penelope Cruz presents to best foreign language film.

A friend who just nodded off and woke up and thinks “How She Move” just won. And I think it did.

Now some guy is singing some song from “Enchanted.” The King of Cartoons from “Pee Wee’s Playhouse” is waltzing all over the stage. The gays in the room are spazzing about this singer guy. Wait, there’s an iPhone owner in the room. We’re checking. Still nothing. He’s some guy the gays all love right now.

OH MAN. JOHN TRAVOLTA JUST USED THE LAST BIT OF THAT SONG TO DANCE HIS WAY ONTO THE STAGE.

Slide show   Red-carpet Oscar fashion Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban, Renee Zellweger, other Hollywood luminaries shine in their Oscar finery. more photos

He will not give it a rest. Ever. For the rest of his life, this is what we will get from John Travolta. Get used to that. Forever.

The “Once” people just won best song.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Beat it, “Enchanted.”

They say, “Tanks!” (sic).

Question from the room: “Where’s Dixie Carter?”

Answer: Out TPing the limos with Ruby Dee.

7:36 p.m. PST
Dang, a chandelier fell on Nicole Kidman. I approve, of course. Are you allowed to have Botox when you’ve got one in the oven? Isn’t that a thing? 

She’s giving an honorary Oscar to production designer Robert Boyle. He’s a thousand years old so that makes Nicole Kidman not the most brittle person on stage anymore.

7:33 p.m. PST
Did Renee Zellweger just walk into Nicholson’s fart cloud?

INTERACTIVE Interactive: Rate the Oscar fashions Rate the outfits of the stars on a scale of 1 to 10 and see how other msnbc.com users voted.

She’s here to give the award for best editing. “Bourne Ultimatum” wins again.

Zellweger follows the winner off-stage. Flips her bangs. We slow down the TiVo and watch it a couple times.

She still smells a smell though. And it smells. Like a smelly smell. 

That smells.

7:24 p.m. PST
The “Once” people are here to sing one of the songs from that movie.

They’re all adorable and whatever. The songs don’t work for me outside the film. And what’s with all the floating guitars? Is this the Hard Rock Cafe at Universal City Walk? Where’s the curvy Prince one? The red, white and blue “Hee Haw” one?

7:15 p.m. PST
Forest Whitaker is here to present best actress. “VANTAGE POINT!!! IN THEATERS NOW!!!”

Cut to Marion Cotillard. Ees now my time for weening? Oui?

Wow, that’s weird.

I wish it had been Julie Christie.

But congrats. Here’s a bikini and a gun.  Enjoy being a Bond Girl.

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