It's complicated: Who pays on dates

Jasmin Aline Persch • E-mail

Most first dates come straight out of the pages of a 1920s romance novel, and after a man generously treats a woman, he still expects something in return.

Namely, he expects her to return the favor of paying. (What were you thinking?)

An Elle/msnbc.com survey of about 74,000 online readers found that most guys want gals to help with the check after a few free meals. But that’s tricky because gals are torn over tab sharing: Some are reluctant to pay while others are adamant about their ability to pay.

Our Money, Sex & Love survey illustrates that the question of who pays has gotten complicated.

• Almost two-thirds of men, especially younger ones, said they want women to chip in after a few dates.
• Forty-four percent of women are bothered if a man expects them to help pay.
• Fifty-seven percent of women, especially younger ones, always offer to pay (even on the first date), but 34 percent of them are bothered if a man accepts — and 46 percent are bothered if he refuses.

“The rules of courtship are in the transitional period,” said Diane Mapes, a dating expert and author of “How to Date in a Post-Dating World.” “There is a lot of confusion and frustration — and expectation out there.”

That’s likely why guys tend to follow the trusted traditional etiquette — at first. But it’s becoming a courtesy for gals to offer after that. Those who don’t could offend many expectant guys. But tossing them an offer throws them into a fool’s game: If guys accept or refuse, they risk offending gals.

About the survey Nearly 74,000 people took this year’s Elle/msnbc.com online survey over three weeks. The respondents were 40 percent female and 60 percent male. The survey sample was large and diverse, but it is not considered nationally representative because it was mainly restricted to msnbc.com readers.

“There are many more pitfalls for males than females,” said Janet Lever, a sociologist at California State University in Los Angeles who helped write and interpret the study.

That’s because some gals who make the modern effort just do it to be polite.

‘He’s making me pay’
Judy McGuire, a dating expert and author of “How Not to Date,” has witnessed a phony offer gone awry. She fixed up two friends, and after offering to pay on their first date, the girlfriend called McGuire from the ladies’ toilet. She said, in astonishment: “He’s making me pay.”

“Some women are really feminist in all parts of life — and then revert to the '50s kind of would-be housewife model,” McGuire said.

But some gals really, truly want to pay, like Kristina Hoock.

In college, Hoock dated a traditional guy who never let her pitch in. He once bought her $800 worth of clothing on a single shopping trip. Although meant to show how much he cared for her, his splurges made her feel obligated to hang out with him — and created rifts in the relationship. They fought over his domineering spending style, and, frustrated, they eventually quit shopping together. He later proved to be controlling and jealous —  which triggered their eventual breakup.

“I feel uncomfortable if a guy pays for everything,” said the 24-year-old Hoock, now a business consultant for IBM. “I feel like the balance of power has shifted in his direction. I want to at least provide for myself. This is my date, too.”

The man called the shots when the old dating etiquette came about in the 1920s. In those days, trends emerged like “rating and dating,” meaning men with more money got the prettiest ladies and more of them. And “petting and paying” referred to a man paying for a woman — and then expecting her to return to his car later to “pet,” anything but going all the way was fair game.

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